“If you don’t vote you can’t complain”
But if you pretend to vote can you pretend to complain?
Caricatures
I did these back in an art class where we had to find people from magazines to do caricatures of.
If you can’t tell they are Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chelsea Clinton.
5 Things to Do if You Find Out You’re Dying
(Edit)After writing this I found this article here. So now I must post it today.(End Edit)
Everyone has to check out sometime. Some people get the rare warning before the reaper visits. Usually, he just does the “pop-in”. If this happens to you there are a few things that you need to make sure you do to finish off this life and prepare for the next.
5. Personal To-Do list
If you have been wanting to catch a monster truck rally before you died, but have never gotten around to it, now is probably the time to get that done. This item is the most common thing for people to break out if they find out they are dying soon. Bungee jumping, hang gliding and all sorts of things people would not normally do but decide to try before they die. You should do these before you get too close to your expiration date, as I am sure the guy who drags the floating seat behind his boat doesn’t want to have to cut your dead body out of his harness.
4. Get Organized
If you had written in your journal more often you wouldn’t have to scramble at the end to find a way for future generations to know what kind of person you were. Make sure you know where you are going to be buried and that the arrangements are in place. You could even watch as they make your headstone. Just try to resist having them put your favorite Barry Manilow lyrics on there. Getting things right will make sure that your family isn’t mad at you for making them clean up your mess. After all, since you never made it as a movie star or musician, (like the vast majority of us), no one but your family really cares that you are dying. And they are the only ones who will remember you in any way,
3. Find Your Roots
Since you will soon be hanging out with them, you might as well learn the names of your grandparents, great grandparents and others who have gone on before you. You may even take a trip to your family’s mother land. But, if you’re poor like me, you can just settle for a geography book or a wikipedia page. While your family is blubbering like a bunch of depressed babies on Earth, you are going to be partying it up with the thousands of people who have been rooting for you your whole life. You don’t want to create an awkward moment when you keep calling Uncle Carl, “Bill”.
2. Duh, Church
Your old family members are not the only ones waiting for you to kick the bucket that you should get acquainted with. There is also the Being that gave you your entire existence. Since you should have been doing good things your whole time anyway, you might want to come in once you have been frightened by the thought of dying. You should go apologize to the sweet old man you beat up in traffic last week and since the binge drinking has destroyed your liver and caused you to be in this whole dying mess, you may want to drop that too. If you are an atheist, then just do whatever you want in the place of this one. Then you can have a pleasant surprise waiting for you.
1. The Hospital
This one was inspired by the “100 Things to Do Before You Die”. My number one thing to do before I die is to go to the hospital and see if I can stop the death. It was a Smart Alec comment but makes sense. If you already know you are going to die it’s a good place to go to die, since they have a morgue right there in the basement. There is also an unusually high concentration of doctors hanging around hospitals and they may be able to help you be around for a bit longer. If you are excited to see your dead relatives then you can ignore this one altogether.
Dying doesn’t have to be as scary as we make it out to be. Most of us should think about doing these things to be ready on a regular basis, since we can go at any minute. But if you do find yourself in the situation of having a literal deadline, this list may come in handy. And remember, when you get down to the last minute it won’t be like in the movies when the doctor comes and tells you he switched up the lab results. You will die, so be ready.
Gallon Challenge
Rule # 1: Drink a gallon of milk in a half an hour.
Rule # 2: Keep it down for another half hour.
If you do a google search on the gallon challenge all you will find is people saying that it can’t be done. They will say that the human stomach cannot hold a gallon of fluid and that someone who tries will just throw it up. You may also find a video or two of somebody barfing up a good portion of a gallon of milk.
I must inform you now, that it is possible. I myself have done it successfully. I did it on March 16th 1999. I had three witnesses to this event and they signed my empty milk jug which had once contained whole milk. I will share with you now my secrets of completing the challenge.
Size
If you want to do the challenge successfully you must be larger than the average human or find some way to make your stomach larger than the average human’s. For me, I was 6 ft. 5 inches and weighed 280 lbs when I did it. That came in handy.
Make Room
The night before I did it, I ate an entire “Big New Yorker” pizza from Pizza Hut. This stretched out the old stomach or at least gave me the placebo effect of thinking that I stretched my stomach. The day that I did it I didn’t eat anything until I was drinking that gallon, that way I was good and thirsty and my stomach had plenty of space to expand.
Absorb
I ate three Krispy Kreme donuts while I was drinking the gallon. I believe that the donuts helped hold down some milk and maybe there is some way that sugar helped me to process stuff faster. I will have to ask a doctor about it sometime.
Timing
You have a whole half hour to drink it, so don’t be a hero. I like to get a good amount in right at first and let it start processing. I got 3/4 of the gallon down within a couple of minutes. I took the other 28 minutes or so to get the last 1/4 of a gallon down.
I had the three witnesses sign the milk jug and I drew a picture of a cow on it and wrote, “Voy a tener que mear en la manana” on the side. After drinking a whole gallon of milk I was very very cold and had to try to warm up. Then in the middle of the night I got up to pee and my pee looked like skim milk. I was excited to have done it with three witnesses because I had done it once before but had no witnesses. The milk jug was later thrown away by some jerk. The three witnesses live on though. I have since become more concerned with my health and I weigh less than I did then so I do not know if I could do it again. Rest assured, if I do it again I will make a video and you will witness it too.
Whack a Penguin
This game is pretty much a classic for me. I have only ever gotten to the 570’s so I keep trying to get to the 593 since someone said it is possible.
Click once to get the penguin to drop then click again when you want the Sasquatch to hit it.
Sweet Justice
If you weren’t reading right now, I would ask you to close your eyes and imagine with me that you are in your car, stopped at a light. You look over to the passenger seat because you think you see a dollar bill over there. Your eyes have been off the light for about 0.42 seconds when you suddenly hear a loud obnoxious honking from behind you. The light has turned green and either Jack Bauer is behind you and needs to get downtown “NOW!!!” before the bomb explodes, or you are in front of an impatient jerk.
You may feel far too lazy to get out of your car and rain down blows upon them, or your parole officer wouldn’t like it if it happened again. What do you do? Honking is, pretty much, only effective for those in front of you. It seems that you are left with no way to let them know they hurt your feelings and all you can do is drive away like a wimp. Although, sometimes you can wait until the light turns red and then take off, leaving Honky McGee sitting at another red light. That one gets old after about the 20th time you do it and you also run the risk of Charlie Manson Jr. being behind Honky McGee in the line of cars. Also, if it really is Jack Bauer you will have some splainin’ to do. Personally, I don’t think about it anymore. I have a secret weapon. (Watch Video) cont. below.
With this weapon I can let someone know that, surprisingly enough, their honking wasn’t appreciated. It also works great if someone is tailgating you. I have made people who were tailgating me laugh at being squirted.
There are a couple of things I would like to do. First I want to put a big dog leg on the back of the Jeep that will lift up when it squirts. Next I want to have somebody on a scooter or motorcycle do something to anger me while they are behind me in traffic. Don’t worry I won’t go looking for trouble, I will only use this power for good, not evil. This was not something I did to my car on purpose, it just wore out on its own. But who am I to question this serendipitous blessing?
Let me be very clear about one more thing too. If you were staring at the imaginary dollar bill in the passenger seat for five minutes, then you deserve to be honked at and you should suck it up and drive away promptly. Now drive courteously.
Pirates
Oh boy, what happened? I actually liked the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, but the next 2 movies really stunk. I really like this version of the trailer for the last one.
Zombie Plan
As an Eagle Scout I find it very helpful to “Be Prepared” for any situation that may arise. When looking at a place to live I check the usual things such as, “Are the showers low flow?”, “Are there any strange noises when I step anywhere or lean on something?”, and “Could a zombie easily access windows?”. I myself, have had zombie plans long before it was popular.
Step 1 – Prevent Zombie Entry
Right now I am renting the top part of a duplex which provides a pretty good zombie defense system. My back door has a rickety old stairway that I could fairly easily knock away from the house if I were to suddenly come under seige by the leagues of the undead. My front door will be blocked by several strategically placed pieces of furniture which will jam it shut against the stairway that leads up from it. With the doors properly defended the windows of the second story duplex now become a great asset. I can see what the gathering hordes of pale brain-eaters might be plotting or I can use them to assist me with step 2. If I were on a ground level floor I would need a lot more plywood to feel secure with my windows. Being so high up I only need to worry if Spud Webb is in my neighborhood and has been captured and converted. But let’s be realistic, Spud Webb would be the hero of such a situation and those rotten-fleshed ex-humans would never catch him.
Step 2 – Take the Offensive
The measures you take to kill zombies depend highly on which movies are correct in their mode of zombie execution. Some popular beliefs about how to send zombies to the afterlife include:
- Cutting off their heads.
- Blowing their brains out.
- Burning them.
- Some believe that you cannot stop them but would have to render their bodies useless, while avoiding the still moving limbs.
- Killing them as you would a normal human is a popular choice too (Preferred).
In a dream scenario my gun toting brother would be at my house with his arsenal of weaponry when the zombies strike. But most likely I would have to craft my own means of destruction like MacGyver. When killing so many zombies you must be careful to watch how high the bodies are stacking so they don’t reach your window level, but other than that, happy killings.
Step 3 – Make an Escape
You must always come to the realization that you are running out of food, or that the zombies are slowly becoming more clever and will get you soon, which will be evidenced by the large human pyramid of zombies approaching your window. When this happens you have to make a break for it. Hopefully you have access to a car that can easily drive over masses of dead bodies, but you must make due with what you have. My garage is, unfortunately, not connected to my house so I would make the standard distraction while my loved ones and unbitten neighbors headed for my Jeep, armed with knives and broken mop handles. They would then drive under the part of the house that I am dangling from and I would drop on top of the car and kick zombies in their faces. We would then drive around looking for the nearest zombie-free military evacuation zone or the like.
Some Other Things to Keep in Mind
1. If the zombies are standard zombies then my plan is sufficient, but if they are zombies a la “I Am Legend” I am in huge trouble. The massive army of undead, super-fast spider men is a force to be reckoned with. Hats off to Will Smith, he made it a long time.
2. In the future I would really like to get a flame thrower extension put onto my house gas pipeline.
3. If perchance I am captured and bitten I could find that being a zombie is not so bad. Zombies have a strong sense of community and as a white American it would be nice to finally have a “Community” to belong to. I also recently started educating myself about zombies, so I am not so ignorant about them. Watch these videos and remove your bigotry.
See more Ed Helms videos at Funny or Die
See more Ed Helms videos at Funny or Die
See more Ed Helms videos at Funny or Die
Think About It
Can’t we all just get along?
Cable Ripoff
I recently canceled my comcast cable TV because they jacked my rate up to a ridiculous level. Internet and TV were costing me $120 a month. I had a hard enough time paying $80 a month but $120 is beyond the line. Their commercials are funny, but extremely untrue. Life without TV was a little jarring at first. “What do I do with myself?” “I need to watch something.” When you get past the first few days you realize that you will live and you look forward to the future productivity that will come to you. I was thus engaged in my new found joy, when I realized that football season is coming up. Now I am filled with rage as I know I can’t escape from paying a stupid cable company for what I don’t want. Prepare yourself for the great wisdom which shall spill forth hence.
I Only Want 12 Channels, Let Me Only Pay For What I Want
ABC (free anyway)
NBC (free anyway)
ESPN
ESPN2
Fox Sports
The Mountain
TNT
Discovery (Hey, I am a nerd, lay off)
History (Hey, I am a nerd, lay off)
KJZZ (Hey, I am a Utah Jazz fan, lay off)
And a couple of others, I am sure, which may or may not include the weather channel.
It is one of the biggest ripoffs ever that you cannot pick and choose the channels you want and only pay for those in a cheaper package. It should be illegal to make people pay for a product or service that they do not want.
Why Do I still Have to Pay So Much?
There are just as many, if not more, commercials on cable channels than there are on network TV. Why then, am I paying so much? If you don’t think the cable TV people are making a killing, I will ask you to list exactly how many ESPN channels there are now. They have so much money they decided to broadcast in other languages. Fox News just started up a business channel. It takes money to start a new channel. If you thought the oil companies were making a killing with profits, take a look at cable channels. They still make plenty of dough after paying extremely overpaid actors and other TV personalities. We need to have a cable boycott, but it is just so hard. Especially with football season around the corner. Maybe I will stick it to the man next year, after I pay a boatload of money for idiotic channels I don’t want, like MTV.
Proposal
I was getting about 72 channels before, for $54 a month that comes out to $1.33 a month for one channel. I will gladly pay $2 a month per channel for what I want. That’s an extra 67 cents a month per channel, if you can’t do the math. Then I can pay my $24 and have what I want, while the fat cats get fatter.