Join the Cause

For a few years now, myself and some of my friends have been trying to find a way to help one of the most helpless and downtrodden forms of life on Earth. It pains me to the core to see this life form trampled and killed on a daily basis with no regard for it’s feelings. I see it happen at sporting events and at schools. It happens at protests and rallies, family get-togethers and in everyday life. The constant barrage of carelessness and even purposeful destruction makes me sick to the core. If you haven’t figured it out by now I will tell you, this life form is grass. So small and fragile, so helpless and cut-down. Why can’t we leave the grass alone? It reaches for the sky and we just cut it right back down again.

If you ever see any large group of people on a patch of grass, like at a protest, you need to get your own sign that says, “Don’t Step On The Grass” or “Don’t Tread On Me” with a picture of helpless grass on it. I am organizing a protest now where we can let our voices be heard while we march around the concrete and fight for Gramineae Rights. We need to have some sit-ins to prevent people from mowing their lawns.

While I organize the details and alert the media as to where we will be, you can watch this video of some extremely uncaring individuals who are trampling grass left and right.

If you want to join the fight and help save trillions of lives let me know in the comments. I am actually serious about doing this protest with the news and everything.


I’ll Take 3 of Them

While watching television you are bombarded with an extremely high number of commercials. If the commercials could be as entertaining as the shows it wouldn’t be a problem, but they rarely are. Most commercials are just plain dumb. You know what I am talking about. You’ve lived through it. I really wish that I could be the guy to come up with commercials for people. I know I could do a much better job than many of the people that are doing it nowadays. In the near future I will have a few posts about different kinds of commercials and how they bother me. I have already done one fake commercial mocking many tooth product commercials that claim to give you that “fresh from the dentist feeling”. More of that should be coming in the future too.

For now I am content to let you see what I think is the most effective commercial ever. I will also throw in some others from the great minds that came up with that one.

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Extra Great Ones

Bigfoot’s Roots

With all the recent hullabaloo surrounding Bigfoot, I thought I would let everyone know what the real story is.

A Sasquatch is very large, harry and elusive. To remain hidden for so long you must be very, very clever. It would take skills and possibly technology that are far beyond what we can come up with. One could even say that these skills could have been learned long ago, in a galaxy far away. That’s right, the Sasquatch race are descendants of Wookiees.

Think about it, any creature that can fix a hyperdrive can certainly avoid white trash with cameras. My guess is that they got tired of all the stupid fighting in their own galaxy and decided to plant themselves here on Earth. The only struggle they now have is avoiding crews from the Discovery Channel when they come by to shoot an hour long show about not seeing Bigfoot. I would bet that if someone finally did get too close to Bigfoot they would find a Wookiee Crossbow pointed right at them.

You may think, “Why don’t they want to be found?” I’ve got three words for you. George Lucas. If he finds any Wookiees living here on Earth, imagine the atrocities he could unleash on mankind. He already destroyed everyone’s childhood with a fourth Indiana Jones Movie and, of course, Episode 1, 2 and 3. If he finds real Wookiees he could do all kinds of sick, sadistic things. I bet he wants to branch out and ruin other great trilogies. He could make the Wookiees assist Marty McFly on an adventure through time that could take them back a long time ago, in that galaxy far away. “Who cares about 88 miles per hour Doc? We got light speed.” With all these horrendous things staring us in the face, I think it is best to leave Bigfoot alone.


100 Percent Chance of Snow

I have a swamp cooler in my house and I hate it. Every summer I feel like I am trapped in a fat lady’s armpit. The swamp cooler makes it seem worse, because in my mind, if air is blowing it should cool me off. But it just feels like a giant blow drier. When I am in the broiling heat of summer, watching this video of my brother Jared makes me yearn for winter.

Then when it actually is winter, I kinda want summer back.