Month: January 2009

Posted on

Millennium Falcon

One night I was driving our family’s 1988 Honda Civic Wagon, which at that moment was packed to the gills with people. There were a bunch of my friends as well as my brother and his friend. My brother was in the very back where there was no seat. A truck pulled up very close behind us and the next thing I knew was that they were opening their doors and getting out to head for us. As the car in front of me drove away I quickly pulled ahead. The people from the truck got back into the truck and followed us onto a larger busy street. I made a quick left turn, in front of a group of oncoming cars, off of the busy street onto a side street. (Yes we could have gotten out and beat the people up, but I have always enjoyed a good car chase.)The oncoming cars gave us a chance to put some distance between us and the truck. I made another quick right turn down a residential street and when we got near a place to turn off of that street, we saw the truck come onto the other end of the street. I turned left off of that street and then immediately left again down the alley for that street. I got about 40 yards down the alley, took my foot off the brake after stopping and turned off the lights. As we watched to see if the truck would turn behind us I said, “I feel like Han Solo hiding in the cave that was actually a giant worm.” We saw the truck drive by the end of the alley and all felt relieved. Someone said that my brother had flipped off the people in the truck from the very back of the car.

Just after this was proposed as the reason for the chase one of my friends yelled out, “They’re coming down the alley!!!” I took off as fast as a fully weighed down Honda Civic wagon could. About half way down the alley there was what appeared to be a turn for an intersecting alley. I took the right turn and was surprised to find us traveling through a city park. There was a house near the edge of the park and I headed straight for it in hopes that I could use the driveway. But the park was on the opposite side of the house from the driveway. The front yard for this home consisted of some diamond shaped openings for trees cut out of cobblestone. I ran over two of these diamonds and then headed for the curb. It seemed like the highest curb that had ever been crafted. As the Honda flew off of it I got a very sick feeling in my stomach as did everyone else in the car did I am sure. While in flight I thought of the scene in Ferris Bueller’s day off when the car attendants caught air in Cameron’s Father’s car with the Star Wars soundtrack playing over it. We hit the street with a loud crash and scrape followed by the sound of a muffler dragging on the ground.

We drove down the street a little and pulled over to inspect the damage. There really wasn’t any new damage. The muffler had never been properly attached as long as I had driven the car but rather, was held up from the ground by a rubber strap. I reattached the strap and we headed out. From then on, we called that car the Millennium Falcon and I would make Chewbacca noises randomly while driving.

Posted on

Say it First

I have spent a lot of time around manipulative and confrontational people and have noticed a few of their go-to weapons for different situations. One such weapon is to use a key phrase and use it quickly before the other person can say it. This is effective in frustrating the normal thought process and logic skills of the other person and elevating the discussion to an altercation. Here are three that are commonly heard:

“You can dish it out but you can’t take it”

If you can throw this statement at someone first you automatically make them look like someone who is getting their just desserts. They appear as though they have done great harm to many defenseless individuals and you appear to be the heroic avenger striking a blow for the little guy.

It must be noted that there actually are people who can dish it out and not take it, but the majority of uses for this phrase are not to honestly point out such individuals. Most uses are to make one person look better than another.

Best Defense: Remain calm and rational.

“You just have to get the last word. Don’t you?”

Sneaking this one in is a classic ploy used by those who no longer have any rebuttals for your points. The first person to say this will appear to be a person who is in control and does not need to have the last word. In reality the person to say this first really likes to have the last word.

Question: Who honestly cares who has a last word enough to point out that someone else wants the last word?
Answer: Someone who likes to have the last word.

By saying this first they are laying a trap for you. First of all, they usually end it with the question “Don’t you?” which automatically leaves a natural place for a response to the question, making you the person who is trying to have the last word. Just as with the first “Dish it out but can’t take it ” ploy, this statement actually takes two people out of a discussion about an issue and puts them into a discussion about something unrelated and stupid. Why, when discussing physics or dry erase boards, would we suddenly stop and talk about who wants the last word?

Best Defense: Say “Yes, I do have to have the last word.” Then return to the subject at hand. Or you can stoop to their level and accuse them of needing to have the next to last word. Then it gets really confusing and fun.

“You Never Call Me”

This is the one you will run into the most. This one comes from relatives and friends and is generally not geared towards stirring up drama like the first two are. Although I have experienced out-of-the-blue calls just to tell me that I haven’t called in a while. Saying this to someone first, once again, makes the recipient out to be the bad guy, it is your ticket to being the lonesome victim who has been neglected by an evil conversation miser.

The truth is that it takes two people to not contact each other. If you have not spoken to someone in months it is just as much your fault as it is theirs. This statement actually has the opposite effect than one might use it for. Let’s say I haven’t seen or talked to my cousin in a while and I want to see them more. I finally see them and what is the first thing I do when I see them? I accuse them and make them feel uncomfortable by using this statement. Hmmm, I wonder why they don’t call me.

Best Defense: Point out that your phone hasn’t exactly been ringing off the hook. Then if the other person doesn’t see the logic behind your statement, reach through the phone and slap them.

Posted on

My Brother Jared, The Hero – Setting the Record Straight

When Jared was younger, in addition to keeping me awake at night, he would enjoy playing with fire. He started a fire in the garage, burned a good amount of money, started a giant tumble weed on fire under a power line and many, many more. One day I told him to hold his hands out in a cupping shape. Then I filled his hands with Off insect repellent. I took a lighter to it and told him to hold still. I had done this trick to myself and thought it was cool. The pool of spray would burn down to your hands and get warmer till the spray had burned off, then you just hold your hands on the floor and snuff out the fire. When I lit Jared up he flipped out. He jumped up and let the spray out of it’s pool and it ran down his arms a bit and all over the back of his hands. He ran around flailing his arms like a madman with fire blazing from his limbs. I grabbed a blanket and told him to run back to me. We put the blanket around his arms and stopped the fire. No harm done. He was shaken up for a while and nothing seemed to catch fire around our house after that. Jared did not fear fire at all and after the Off experience he had a respect for fire.

Let’s move forward a few years. Jared was now in high school and I was visiting my family. I was sitting in a chair when Jared came home from school. He ran through the front door very quickly and headed back to hide in the bathroom. As he passed me he said, “If any reporters or anything come to the door, they want to talk about a fire, tell them I am not here.” A couple of minutes later, lo and behold, some reporters found their way to our house with notepads and a couple of cameras. In my mind I thought, “Did Jared light the school on fire?” After the reporters had gone I went back to talk to Jared. He told me that he had been in Chemistry class when his teacher was teaching about chemicals and such, when something someone was using caught on fire and spread like, well, like a wildfire. There was one girl who was near to the flames who was engulfed. Jared said he got a hold of the emergency blanket and ran to her. He bundled her up and took her out of the class. When he got out of the class where everyone had run to, he saw another student named David who had taken his shirt off, because it caught fire, and was stomping around the hall cussing his head off. Jared left the girl and took the blanket back in to put out the fire. He told me that the fire had gotten pretty huge and he threw the blanket down on part of it, but it just swirled around the blanket and almost got him. He said the smoke was really unbearable and he decided to head out of there. (I seem to recall that he put out fires on other students as well.)  When I saw Jared, he had no hair on his forearms and the hairs higher up his arm had curled ends. He said that he went to the football field house when the reporters came for him. He told the coaches to get rid of them. Then he bolted out of there to come home. He never took any recognition for what he had done. The guy named David that was cussing in the hallway was recognized as the hero of the incident for some reason. I think he was given some scholarship stuff and named as the honoree in some annual local award. I think he even got the key to the city. I have always wished that Jared had talked to the reporters. But I can’t say that I personally would have wanted any attention if I were in his shoes. It is easier to tell him to do it. Jared should have been in item number four on this list. I always thought Jared would be a firefighter or some kind of crocodile hunter. With this incident he pushed me more towards believing the former.

So now, almost a decade late, I give Jared a semi-public piece of recognition. He saved a girl’s life and took no credit. If you see him, shower him with praise. He is a hero.


Full Text

Posted on

Origin of a Joke

We have all heard it a million times. When anyone starts to use it we could all finish the rest of the story with out hearing another word. It was funny the first 20 or so times that I heard it but now it is kind of just there. I am talking about the joke that people tell about when they were younger. You know, the one that goes like this, “When I was a kid I walked to school in the snow, uphill, both ways.” I have never thought much about the origin of this saying until the other night. I was watching Bill Cosby’s stand up in “Bill Cosby Himself”.

I heard him speaking about his father and I knew when the line was coming. He threw it out there and he got a better reaction from the crowd than I thought he would. This led me to think, “Hmmm, I wonder if that was the first time that joke was ever told.” It got a larger reaction than I, or a crowd of a thousand of me would have given it. I am going to stake the claim that Bill Cosby was the man that invented the “uphill both ways” joke in 1983. I have no evidence to suggest that it ever existed before him.

If anyone has any solid evidence as to the origin of this joke bring it forth and we will get to the bottom of this.

Posted on

Basketball Videos

My Grandpa taught me how to play basketball and he made me a Utah Jazz fan. He would rebound shots for me and pass the ball to me over and over again so I could practice shots. He taught me how to actually shoot the ball instead of just throwing it up. Before he got a hold of me I couldn’t even make a lay up. I was just thinking about those days and decided to gather some of my favorite plays in basketball. Also football is winding down and I need to turn my attention to basketball. Check these out:


Classic Vince Carter in the Olympics


Ronnie Price; The main source of my school pride


Classic Shaq. I remember seeing this when it happened. Crazy.


And his coach used to complain about him lounging around at practice.


Like a touchdown pass.


Pure skill.


One of the best comebacks ever, if not the best. Less than 20 seconds left in the game and Reggie Miller does this and then hits some free throws to win the game.


Another Classic basketball moment. I wish I could find a version without the cheesy reporter.

Posted on

Oh Joy, The Razzies

I am a fan of the Golden Raspberry Awards also known as “The Razzies”. If you don’t know, they give out awards for the worst movies in a year. They have released their nominees for 2008 and I will list a bunch here and even though I don’t partake of awful cinema often I will give my picks:

(Note: I don’t care if I spoil anything for you about any movie.)

Worst Movie

  • Hottie & the Nottie
  • Speed Racer
  • Disaster Movie
  • Meet the Spartans
  • The Day the Earth Stood Still
  • High School Musical 3
  • Dungeon Siege
  • The Love Guru
  • Postal
  • Rambo
  • The Happening
  • Meet Dave
  • Witless Protection

My pick for this is The Day the Earth Stood Still. It was the only movie I saw out of this list, and I thought it was pretty dumb. The original was a commentary on violence and humankind. This new one says that humans are destroying the earth and so humans must be destroyed. Really what they meant was cars and factories are destroying the world and so cars and factories must be destroyed. Which is what happened at the end.

Worst Actress

  • Reese Witherspoon
  • Paris Hilton
  • Jessica Alba
  • The cast of The Women
  • Camilla Belle
  • Cameron Diaz
  • Kate Hudson
  • Diane Keaton
  • Jennifer Connelly
  • Zooey Deschanel
  • Vanessa Hudgens
  • Eva Longoria-Parker

I am gonna go with Cameron Diaz just because of her face.

Worst Actor

  • Tom Cruise
  • Zac Efron
  • Dane Cook
  • Larry the Cable Guy
  • Eddie Murphy
  • Al Pacino
  • Keanu Reeves
  • Sylvester Stallone
  • Will Ferrell
  • Ashton Kutcher
  • Mike Myers
  • Adam Sandler
  • Mark Wahlberg

I have a deep seeded dislike for Will Ferrell’s work. Let’s pick him.

Worst Director

  • Sylvester Stallone
  • Uwe Boll
  • Scott Derrickson
  • Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
  • Tom Putnam
  • Marco Schnabel Jon Avnet
  • Diane English
  • Roland Emmerich
  • Brian Robbins
  • Kenny Ortega
  • M. Night Shyamalan

I didn’t see the new Shyamalan movie because I quit watching his stuff about 2 movies ago. I pick him here because if his previous trend continued, his newest movie was horrible.

Worst Couple

  • Kate Hudson & Matthew McConaughey
  • Kate Hudson & Dane Cook
  • Any couple from High School Musical 3
  • Cameron Diaz & Ashton Kutcher
  • Paris Hilton & Joel David Moore
  • Larry the Cable Guy & Jenny McCarthy
  • Any couple from Mamma Mia
  • Eddie Murphy & Eddie Murphy (Meet Dave)
  • Al Pacino & His Hair
  • Mark Wahlberg & Zooey Deschanel
  • Mark Wahlberg & Mila Kunis
  • Sylvester Stallone & His Ego

Any couple from Mamma Mia is my pick. One, it is a funny nomination. Two I just want to get in a jab on Mamma Mia.

Worst Prequel, Sequel, Remake or Rip-off

  • High School Musical 3
  • Indiana Jones 4
  • Rambo
  • Star Wars: The Clone Wars
  • Disaster Movie
  • Meet the Spartans
  • An American Carol
  • The Women
  • The Day the Earth Stood Still
  • Prom Night
  • Speed Racer
  • X-Files: I Want To Believe

Hands down, Indiana Jones 4 is the worst. It should be the worst movie. I cannot stress how much I hated this movie.

Worst Career Achievement

  • Madonna
  • Uwe Boll
  • Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
  • Keanu Reeves
  • Sylvester Stallone

I will give this one to Madonna, even though I haven’t seen any of her movies. I really dislike her music and that is part of her career achievement.

Posted on

Naming Your Car

Naming a car is an essential thing to do. Most people just go with referring to their automobile with names like “The Honda”, “The Red Car” or “The Truck”. You can do better than that, people, come on. I just got rid of my 1994 Jeep Cherokee, aka “The Rhinosaur” and I have recently been thinking about names for vehicles.

When naming a vehicle it is important that you actually use the name. Thus the name should not be stupid. Do not name the car based on its color. This is very important. Unless the car has a very unusual paint job, do not use it’s color as the basis for it’s name. The best names come from experiences, non-color traits of the vehicle and things that you have heard elsewhere that can apply. My Rhinosaur was named after a Soundgarden song, but, not just simply after the song. The name Rhinosaur sounds tough and invokes the image of a huge beast ready to charge at you. The Rhinosaur had been in 2 tornadoes back in Texas and had been hit by a trampoline in one of them. The outside of the car was covered in dents and scratches. The engine was an inline six cylinder engine which made the car move faster than one would think it would. There was even a Texas Longhorn logo in the back window which adds to the charging beast thought. These things all lead me to think of rhinos or dinosaurs.

Next, resist the urge to name the car immediately when you get it. It is not like a boat that must have a name before it can head out to sea. Allow some time to have some experiences with the vehicle and learn how it handles and how it treats you. When a defining moment for a vehicle happens you will know it. I have had a Jeep Compass for a year or so now and haven’t really had a good name until the other day when it snowed like crazy. That thing zips right through the snow. I watched three Suburbans in a row try to get up a hill near my house while I waited on a side street. None of them made it and they all turned away back down to the bottom of the hill in shame. I headed up and made it to the top just fine. So I am heavily considering naming the vehicle after Balto, the lead dog in the last leg of the 1925 serum run to Nome. While waiting for a name to come to you, it is perfectly acceptable to have a temporary name or to just say, “it is not named yet”.

Multiple names can be allowed but no more than two. In high school I would drive around my family’s 15 seater Dodge Ram van. I saw Shaquille Oneal on TV one day showing off a van that he had put speakers in. He called it “The Van of Death”. I started calling our van “The Van of Social Death”. A short time later I caught part of some TV show starring Sinbad. He was going to have to get a van to haul kids around in and he didn’t want to be a mega van person. That’s when our van took the moniker “The MegaVan”. Every once in a while it would still be jokingly called the Van of Social Death and people knew what was being talked about.

Be sure to always be aware of what vehicles are called in your house or amongst your friends. Years after the MegaVan was stolen, and no doubt employed in the human smuggling trade, my mother made reference to a vehicle called “The Woolly Mammoth”. She was actually referring to the MegaVan. You cannot rename a vehicle that has been given a name that is in wide use amongst others. It just will not work, so don’t try. It is also disrespectful of those that have come up with the previous names. So be sure to know what the names are or you will almost surely commit a party foul. I think my younger siblings similarly renamed our Honda Civic Wagon from the name that I had previously given it, “The Millenium Falcon”. There is a great story behind that name that I will share in the near future.