I watched another horrible movie last night. If you wanted to see Eagle Eye this is my spoiler alert, the movie was crappy. The movie involved yet another computer taking over things. I am very tired of the old plot device of making a computer take control of the humans and now I am going to make perhaps the nerdiest post I have ever made.
All the computers in these movies had to be programmed by someone and I got a sneak peak at some of the source code. The first one is Eagle Eye, see if you can guess the others. I will reveal the answers in the comments tomorrow:
Scenario #1:
if(human_action != computer_recommendation){
goto plan_to_destroy_national_leadership;
plan_to_promote_world_peace:
plan_to_destroy_national_leadership:
// COMMENTED OUT send_power_surge_through_Presidents_shaver_and kill_him(“President”);
// COMMENTED OUT infect_the_GPS_navigation_for_all_cabinet_members_so_they_drive_off_cliffs(“Garmin”);
/*COMMENT – I decided to comment out the above and use the less direct approach below since we now have the quad core processors that can handle the extra unnecessary actions – END COMMENT */
make_brother_of_computer_specialist_remove_the_worthless_biometric_lock_from_computer(“Holes Kid”);
have_mother_of_band_student_wear_explosive_necklace_that_will_be_triggered_by_trumpet(“Some lady with weird looking kid”);
}
Scenario #2:
if(leading_star == “Ferris Bueller Guy”){
threaten_nuclear_war_with_another_country(“USSR”);
if(game == “Tic Tac Toe”){
run_mock_scenario_of_thermonuclear_war_then_make_deep_statement_about_war_having_no_winners();
offer_to_play_a_game_of_chess_and_make_humans_laugh_it_off();
}
}
Scenario #3:
if(robot_mood == “Ready to enslave humans”){
overtake_humans_and_use_them_as_batteries();
if(human_need == “Mind stimulation to live”){
create_intricate_virtual_world_for_people_to_live_in(“Ted from ‘Bill and Ted'”);
if(human_escape_to_underground_rave_parties == True){
Destroy(“Humans”);
}
}
}
Scenario #4:
if(skynet == “Online”){
Destroy(“Humans”);
if(human_encountered == “John Connor”){
send_robot_with_bad_accent_back_in_time_to_kill_his_mother_
but_do_it_at_a_point_in_time_when_she_is_old_enough_to_defend_herself_and_
have_relations_with_the_human_sent_back_to_save_her_thus_causing_the_birth_of_John_Connor();
}
}
Scenario #5:
if(lead_actor == “Fresh Prince”){
// COMMENTED OUT – Law_1 = “Never hurt, kill or enslave humans”;
/*COMMENT – I removed the above law and made a more vague first law to make it more exciting for us humans when robots figure out loopholes in logic – END COMMENT */
Law_1 = “A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.”;
Law_2 = “A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.”;
Law_3 = “A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or the Second Law.”;
if(robot_logic == “Law 1 means I can enslave humans”){
trap_humans_in_their_homes_and_kill_any_that_try_to_stop_evil_plot(“Holes Kid”);
if(genius_scientist_creation == “Robot with conscience”){
try_in_vain_to_continue_evil_plot_while_the_fresh_prince_destroys_system();
}
}
}
Well there you have them. If only they had better quality assurance at the companies that programmed the machines. I really must say that I am highly in favor of getting rid of the ‘Destroy’ function if “Humans” can be passed in.
I’m going to have to agree with you, on that last note. On the other hand (aside from more fingers), the movie commentary in code was hilarious, and I’m sharing it with all my peeps.
Scenario 1: Eagle Eye
Scenario 2: War Games
Scenario 3: Matrix
Scenario 4: Terminator
Scenario 5: iRobot