I do a lot of reading while in my car. Most of it is, of course, bumper stickers. There has been one bumper sticker that I have always thought was pretty stupid. It is the ” My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student” sticker.
That’s terrific. Let’s inflict bodily harm on someone who has worked hard and has made their parents proud. It has never seemed funny to me, not even when I was a dumb kid. And, no, I was never an honor student.
Now, I have had the perfect answer to that bumper sticker for a while. I cannot remember if I came up with the idea or if one of my friends did. I have not seen this bumper sticker on any cars yet, so here it is.
Maybe if your kid wasn’t wasting his time beating up other kids he could have studied and been competent enough to keep that job. Or he could have gotten along with others and not been fired. I blame the parents.
I just had another nephew born yesterday, so I thought I would put up a poem I wrote after my daughter was born and offer congratulations to the proud parents. If you think poetry is stupid or wimpy, I refer you to the title of this post. A few of my friends have also recently had children, so this one’s for you too. Here it is:
So few things gentler than another’s beginning,
Though, as I see, my own time’s thinning.
How many others have thought this before me?
Fathers and Mothers, a line drawn through history.
Were they full of greed-selfish, or noble and kind?
For us it is mystery, these lives led behind.
Countless were born, and then have old grown.
Soon disappearing, to the world they’re unknown.
Ours is not, to finish the race,
But set another’s beginning at a better place.
If you don’t like my rhyming skills, I also refer you to the title of this post and invite you to take part in it.
Since I have recently moved, I have been forced to re-evaluate my zombie plan; after which I will come up with a fire escape plan. I am debating whether or not to post my new zombie plan since when the zombies strike, any brain-eater with a computer can look up the details. But I think I will post it anyway when I solidify the specifics. Right now I am hung up on whether I should take the underground or top floor approach. For now you can look at my old plan from this old post:
As an Eagle Scout I find it very helpful to “Be Prepared” for any situation that may arise. When looking at a place to live I check the usual things such as, “Are the showers low flow?”, “Are there any strange noises when I step anywhere or lean on something?”, and “Could a zombie easily access windows?”. I myself, have had zombie plans long before it was popular.
Step 1 – Prevent Zombie Entry
Right now I am renting the top part of a duplex which provides a pretty good zombie defense system. My back door has a rickety old stairway that I could fairly easily knock away from the house if I were to suddenly come under seige by the leagues of the undead. My front door will be blocked by several strategically placed pieces of furniture which will jam it shut against the stairway that leads up from it. With the doors properly defended the windows of the second story duplex now become a great asset. I can see what the gathering hordes of pale brain-eaters might be plotting or I can use them to assist me with step 2. If I were on a ground level floor I would need a lot more plywood to feel secure with my windows. Being so high up I only need to worry if Spud Webb is in my neighborhood and has been captured and converted. But let’s be realistic, Spud Webb would be the hero of such a situation and those rotten-fleshed ex-humans would never catch him.
Step 2 – Take the Offensive
The measures you take to kill zombies depend highly on which movies are correct in their mode of zombie execution. Some popular beliefs about how to send zombies to the afterlife include:
Cutting off their heads.
Blowing their brains out.
Burning them.
Some believe that you cannot stop them but would have to render their bodies useless, while avoiding the still moving limbs.
Killing them as you would a normal human is a popular choice too (Preferred).
In a dream scenario my gun toting brother would be at my house with his arsenal of weaponry when the zombies strike. But most likely I would have to craft my own means of destruction like MacGyver. When killing so many zombies you must be careful to watch how high the bodies are stacking so they don’t reach your window level, but other than that, happy killings.
Step 3 – Make an Escape
You must always come to the realization that you are running out of food, or that the zombies are slowly becoming more clever and will get you soon, which will be evidenced by the large human pyramid of zombies approaching your window. When this happens you have to make a break for it. Hopefully you have access to a car that can easily drive over masses of dead bodies, but you must make due with what you have. My garage is, unfortunately, not connected to my house so I would make the standard distraction while my loved ones and unbitten neighbors headed for my Jeep, armed with knives and broken mop handles. They would then drive under the part of the house that I am dangling from and I would drop on top of the car and kick zombies in their faces. We would then drive around looking for the nearest zombie-free military evacuation zone or the like.
Some Other Things to Keep in Mind
1. If the zombies are standard zombies then my plan is sufficient, but if they are zombies a la “I Am Legend” I am in huge trouble. The massive army of undead, super-fast spider men is a force to be reckoned with. Hats off to Will Smith, he made it a long time.
2. In the future I would really like to get a flame thrower extension put onto my house gas pipeline.
3. If perchance I am captured and bitten I could find that being a zombie is not so bad. Zombies have a strong sense of community and as a white American it would be nice to finally have a “Community” to belong to. I also recently started educating myself about zombies, so I am not so ignorant about them. Watch these videos and remove your bigotry.
Who has a backside that requires an extra 18 inches of reach to get to? How much did they pay the big guy? What are the advantages of being a big guy that he spoke about? Who can wipe their rear with dignity? Can my friends use mine too? What is being done to address the age old dilemma of running out of toilet paper? Oh and lastly, What the…?
Just wait for the next product, the Super Soaker bidet.
I was looking through a bunch of the stuff I have put up over the past year and thought that a second look (or first if you came in late) might be a welcome thing. So I may re-post old material for flashback value. This time we will revisit the dentist office. I still can’t believe Sean Connery and Tracy Morgan helped me out with this video. Dentofresh
I didn’t want to go. I had made it perfectly clear several times that I was not going to enjoy a family trip to Atlanta during spring break. In spite of my efforts I still had to go. The actual vacation was pretty uneventful. The only slightly enjoyable thing was going to Stone Mountain which apparently has a disturbing history.
After being lugged around town for a week, I was finally excited to go home and get back to school. But wouldn’t you know, something went wrong with our old Dodge Ram 15 seater van. We spent a good portion of our last day in Atlanta sitting next to a Pep Boys while they took a look at our battery. All they did was charge it up and send us on our way.
The next morning when we left to go home we drove for about 45 minutes and then the car died. We sat around again while we got a new battery and then went 45 more minutes down the road. Oh guess what, the alternator is bad. We played in a swampy Alabama forest while the hard working gents at Sid’s Chop Shop fixed the alternator. When they were done it was time to stop for the night.
Then again, the next morning we headed out and we made it a little further down the road. This time we weren’t as lucky in our breakdown location and had to push the Megavan about a mile up the freeway to the next town. We waited for a tow truck at the mini-mart and then had the van taken to a dealership. My Dad rented something like a Suzuki Samurai to cram 10 people into and drive around town. At this stop the car broke because the bad alternator had blown the computer chip in the van. The part wouldn’t arrive until the next day so we stayed another night in Alabama.
In the morning we made much better time and made it into Louisiana. While heading through a swamp I felt like the van was shaking from side to side as we went along. I knew that it was a sign that a tire was going bad and told my Dad and brother that we should check it out. We didn’t check it out and continued down the road. A short while later there was a loud bang and our van swerved out of control. Luckily we got over to the side of the road without rolling or hitting any other vehicles. We got out and started playing in the swamp again while my Dad tried to use a puny car jack to lift the Megavan. The jack broke and we were left without any means of changing the tire. A tow truck happened by and lifted the back end of the van so we could put a spare on. We headed into town to buy another tire but all the tire places were closed. We spent the night there and got a new tire in the morning.
After we got the new tire we headed back into Texas. It was smooth sailing until we got near Abilene. There came a very loud grumbling from under the van. Oh joy, we get to stop again. The place we stopped said it was a bad catalytic converter and we all just jumped back in and headed home with the loud noise.
Not only did the vacation take up my spring break but I missed a few days of school and had a lot of make-up work to do. If any vacation ever tops that one as my worst it will most definitely be my last vacation.
My sister used to work for Papa Johns Pizza and when there would be local events like on site radio shows Papa Johns would bring some free pizza out to promote themselves. Part of the promotion would often be that my brother would dress up as ‘Mr. Slice’ which actually was just a big slice of pizza. As I watched this video it made me wish that I had some footage of him in the suit doing something very dumb or hilarious but I don’t. But you could imagine if I did.
