Zombie Plan: One More Line of Defense

I recently made a new zombie plan for my new place. My wife then dragged me to watch a Halloween dance show from which I came up with everyone’s last line of defense when zombies attack.

If I have learned anything from Halloween dance shows, music videos or just the dancing community in general, it is that zombies love to boogie. They are even very synchronized and become more flexible when the proper music is played. My last line of defense is to have a stash of Michael Jackson CD’s near my final stronghold. When we reach the moment that our brains are surely to be eaten by the undead, we will turn on the CD player. Then, of course, while the zombies are synchronized in syncopation we will make our break for it.

You may ask, “Hey, why not just use it as your first line of defense?” Well, I have weighed it out and the stress of fighting off zombies for a week before they find a way into my stronghold is considerably less than the amount of torture induced by hearing Michael Jackson.


What an Ingrate

Looking back, I was either a very good student and my teacher loved me or I was a loudmouthed nightmare. I am not sure what makes me behave differently in different situations but I am sure that I really bothered my high school art teacher. She was much too patient with me for how obnoxious I was. I wasn’t mean or anything I was just a super smart alec and maybe sometimes I reached a mean level. For example, We did a calligraphy section and I turned in this masterpiece:

2822b

Sorry Mrs. Haney and thanks for teaching me art.


On the Existence of God

I was recently called unreasonable and unscientific for defending my position to a friend that there is a God. The way that I discuss things with this friend, no one ever means any offense and none should be taken. I have been presented with the false dichotomy between faith and reason and been referred to a very illogical video that could be used to support solipsism. I do enjoy the back and forth though. I must address one thing that my friend has said that is one of the most unreasonable statements I have ever heard and demonstrates a huge problem that atheists and the like have with their logic. The statement is “…lack of evidence is a pretty conclusive proof of lack of existence.”

For a perfect demonstration of how this is complete bull we can take an imaginary journey. Let’s pretend that we are living 3,000 years ago anywhere you like on Earth. A person then comes to us and says, “There are invisible particles shooting through your body all the time and you have no way to see them. There are also sounds occurring all around you that humans cannot possibly hear.” This person has an extreme lack of evidence as the things described cannot be seen or heard. But we now know of and can measure many different types of particles fitting that description and we can measure sounds outside of the 20-20,000 Hz range. Did these things not exist for people because of the lack of evidence, but currently because we are so advanced and have evidence they magically do exist now? No, they always existed whether humans knew they did or not. A big problem with non-believers is that they think that we know much more than we do. We still don’t have a clue about anything and just as the people 3,000 years ago had no idea about neutrinos and super-frequencies, we today have no idea that we don’t know it or what it even relates to. It has always been a common trait of theology and science to conclude that we do not know everything and the sooner someone understands that the better.

One might say, “Well, this principle doesn’t apply to religion.” Why not? If we cannot take a principle learned from scientific discovery over the ages and apply it to all things what good is it? We have a clear and sanely indisputable case of something that no person could detect until a relatively recent date. Why would we suppose that there is not any more out there that cannot be detected by us? To stop searching and declare all things known, is to cut off scientific discovery. The hypothetical man from 3,000 years ago was completely vindicated in his belief in something he couldn’t see, hear or detect.

With a different friend I once asked, “Where did belief in God come from? If it was not given to man, why would a caveman invent an elaborate scheme of a sky man or sky men that would then restrict him from living his life in a riotous way, with lots of women, killing, plundering and other fun pastimes?” My friend’s answer, “He was the caveman who didn’t get the girls.” My response, if we had not been interrupted would have been, “So you are telling me that this beta male is clever enough to not only invent this whole religious system but to then dupe his peers into going along with it just so he could get some girls? But at the same time he is so stupid that he would not just kill the alpha male in his sleep?” What is more likely, Ug the super-genius, idiot caveman or humans still just aren’t very smart? If your answer is the former then you have proven the latter.

I believe that everything has a scientific explanation even if humans are too stupid to understand the science. I must edit the aforementioned statement to say, “lack of evidence is never conclusive proof of lack of existence.”


What We Could Have Bought

I was doing some calculations recently about what could have been purchased for the $1.4 Trillion that our government has gone overboard with this year and came up with some interesting ones. Possible purchases include:

1. Every home that is currently being foreclosed on
2. Every team in the NFL, NBA and MLB X 12
3. A small sedan for every household in America
4. A free home for every illegal immigrant in the country
5. India

After playing with the insane numbers I also saw this video:

Things I Want to See in a Movie

There are a few things that when watching a movie I really hope for. These things never seem to actually happen and I think it must be that the movie writers club has strict rules about going against the old standbys. So here are some solutions to some of the troubles with movies. If somebody rips these off, they owe me big royalties.

Bomb Drama

We’ve all seen it a badrillion times. The bomb is ticking and the wire must be cut. Well, just like me writing a class paper they have to wait for the last second. The tension is butter thick as the wire cutters head for the green, no wait, the red wire. The wire is cut after the clock reaches 00:01. Phew, that was close.

What I want, is to have someone find the bomb in time and defuse it with great ease and I want to see 32:48 left on the clock when it is done.

The Love Bet

Oh great, another dumb chick flick that you are obligated to watch because of your significant other. The boy makes a bet that he can hook up with a certain girl. He gets her to fall for him and oops, guess what, they actually fell in love. Awww isn’t that cute. But wait, she finds out about the dare and Prince Charming is in hot water. And I didn’t even see it coming.

What I want to see is when the girl finds out that he made the bet, she will laugh it off because she loves him. Then she will just tell people the cute little story about “how we met”.

Can’t We All Just Get Along?

When there is an investigation and the FBI or other federal investigators get called in, the local cops always complain about the feds helping out.

What I would like to see is the local law enforcement being appreciative of the help offered by the extra investigators.

That Stupid Song

I just wish chick flick trailers would stop using that “This Will Be” song. You know the one I am talking about. All the clips in the trailer are of people kissing, dancing or falling off of stuff and sometimes all three at the same time. And they all have the common thread of that annoying song. It is true that I only have to put up with it in movie trailers but it seems like there are 3 or 4 every year that do it. The better solution is to not make chick flicks, but I will be satiated with the discontinued use of that annoying song.


Segways

Does anyone else remember when Segways were supposed to change the transportation world forever? The future was bright and wide open in front of us. Mailmen, police officers, golfers and people who hate stepping but don’t mind standing were all going to be tooling around on those things.

When I see the bitter world we still live in I ask myself, “Why? Why wasn’t the Segway dream realized? Why was the walking world not transformed?” Maybe these are questions that are to be left to better men than I. My only consolation comes from the fact that the Segway did revolutionize one thing. The comedy world has been transformed forever by this wonderful invention. Thank you Segway and Gob.

Segway