How to Gloat

Here is a phrase that I coined a while back that should be immortalized:

If you don’t toot your own horn, it will never get played.

Giving other people their dues is also extremely fun, just remember to drain the spit valve and clean the mouthpiece after using their horn. Today I want to talk about everyone’s great love in life though…..themselves. There are good ways to declare your own greatness and there are bad ways too, of course. My favorite way to let people in on how freaking cool I am is probably stories. With a story the person is (or should be) entertained while you make yourself look amazing. As long as you are not lying and you can hold people’s attention, go for it. If you are a bad storyteller on the other hand, obviously you should avoid this one like the bubonic. Other options include seeking out a specific event to share a talent such as obviously talent shows, plays, open mic nights, debates or anything else that relates to what you enjoy. Notice I did not say “to what you are the best at” but said, “to what you enjoy”. Clearly the point of all this is to let others know that you can do something and that you like it. The point is not to compare yourself to others and put them beneath you. There is plenty of coolness to go around. Those who would demean you and try to belittle are not worth any worry. To quote the great Weird Al, “A local boy kicked me in the butt last week, I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek. I really don’t care in fact I wish him well, cause I’ll be laughing my head off when he’s burning in hell.” There is a quote that most likely originated with Will Rogers that says, “It ain’t bragging if it’s true” or something like that. If you can do it then let it be known. If you can do it but not very well then try, try, try. A word to the wise though, as I have learned, sometimes you just won’t be good at somethings no matter how hard you try. If you have fun doing it then keep doing it. It is always best in my opinion to know if you are actually good or bad at something so that you don’t end up on American Idol.

The number one way to not go about letting others in on your glory is most definitely the dreaded “One Upper”. Most often identified by their beginning sentences with the words, “That’s nothin'”. Few words drive me up a wall faster than those. The very nature of the one upper is to put others under their level of coolness. If someone has done something or is telling a story about something they have done do not ever butt in and say, “That’s nothin'” and proceed to lay out glories. Starting a conversation about your shared interest is fine but do not do it as a one upper and be mindful of your motives. Sometimes I see others that do something very well and I am jealous, in cases like this it is easy to become a downer and suck the life out of everything around you. To counter this I always tell someone when I am green with envy over their talent. For example, I have a friend that years ago I mentioned to him that I wanted to start a comedy group with him. I have recently come back into contact with this friend and found that he indeed started a comedy group and does stand-up. I cannot tell you how I wish that was me. He actually went out and did it and I admire his talent and his ability to go out and get it done. To sit back and be bitter over the fact that it is not me would just be awful. To tell my friend that I am jealous of him and that I want to get a lock of his hair while he is sleeping is a great way to remove any possible bad vibe.

In short, I am extremely awesome and enjoy doing a lot of things, as I know many of you are too. Even if most of the thousands of people who are reading this site do not let themselves be known, they have to be cool in some way or another. I will set people up for the comments section below (I am looking for a particular response that can be repeated by everyone): “I tell you, one time, I left an amazing comment on a great article someone wrote.”