What an Ingrate

Looking back, I was either a very good student and my teacher loved me or I was a loudmouthed nightmare. I am not sure what makes me behave differently in different situations but I am sure that I really bothered my high school art teacher. She was much too patient with me for how obnoxious I was. I wasn’t mean or anything I was just a super smart alec and maybe sometimes I reached a mean level. For example, We did a calligraphy section and I turned in this masterpiece:

2822b

Sorry Mrs. Haney and thanks for teaching me art.


On the Existence of God

I was recently called unreasonable and unscientific for defending my position to a friend that there is a God. The way that I discuss things with this friend, no one ever means any offense and none should be taken. I have been presented with the false dichotomy between faith and reason and been referred to a very illogical video that could be used to support solipsism. I do enjoy the back and forth though. I must address one thing that my friend has said that is one of the most unreasonable statements I have ever heard and demonstrates a huge problem that atheists and the like have with their logic. The statement is “…lack of evidence is a pretty conclusive proof of lack of existence.”

For a perfect demonstration of how this is complete bull we can take an imaginary journey. Let’s pretend that we are living 3,000 years ago anywhere you like on Earth. A person then comes to us and says, “There are invisible particles shooting through your body all the time and you have no way to see them. There are also sounds occurring all around you that humans cannot possibly hear.” This person has an extreme lack of evidence as the things described cannot be seen or heard. But we now know of and can measure many different types of particles fitting that description and we can measure sounds outside of the 20-20,000 Hz range. Did these things not exist for people because of the lack of evidence, but currently because we are so advanced and have evidence they magically do exist now? No, they always existed whether humans knew they did or not. A big problem with non-believers is that they think that we know much more than we do. We still don’t have a clue about anything and just as the people 3,000 years ago had no idea about neutrinos and super-frequencies, we today have no idea that we don’t know it or what it even relates to. It has always been a common trait of theology and science to conclude that we do not know everything and the sooner someone understands that the better.

One might say, “Well, this principle doesn’t apply to religion.” Why not? If we cannot take a principle learned from scientific discovery over the ages and apply it to all things what good is it? We have a clear and sanely indisputable case of something that no person could detect until a relatively recent date. Why would we suppose that there is not any more out there that cannot be detected by us? To stop searching and declare all things known, is to cut off scientific discovery. The hypothetical man from 3,000 years ago was completely vindicated in his belief in something he couldn’t see, hear or detect.

With a different friend I once asked, “Where did belief in God come from? If it was not given to man, why would a caveman invent an elaborate scheme of a sky man or sky men that would then restrict him from living his life in a riotous way, with lots of women, killing, plundering and other fun pastimes?” My friend’s answer, “He was the caveman who didn’t get the girls.” My response, if we had not been interrupted would have been, “So you are telling me that this beta male is clever enough to not only invent this whole religious system but to then dupe his peers into going along with it just so he could get some girls? But at the same time he is so stupid that he would not just kill the alpha male in his sleep?” What is more likely, Ug the super-genius, idiot caveman or humans still just aren’t very smart? If your answer is the former then you have proven the latter.

I believe that everything has a scientific explanation even if humans are too stupid to understand the science. I must edit the aforementioned statement to say, “lack of evidence is never conclusive proof of lack of existence.”


What We Could Have Bought

I was doing some calculations recently about what could have been purchased for the $1.4 Trillion that our government has gone overboard with this year and came up with some interesting ones. Possible purchases include:

1. Every home that is currently being foreclosed on
2. Every team in the NFL, NBA and MLB X 12
3. A small sedan for every household in America
4. A free home for every illegal immigrant in the country
5. India

After playing with the insane numbers I also saw this video:

Things I Want to See in a Movie

There are a few things that when watching a movie I really hope for. These things never seem to actually happen and I think it must be that the movie writers club has strict rules about going against the old standbys. So here are some solutions to some of the troubles with movies. If somebody rips these off, they owe me big royalties.

Bomb Drama

We’ve all seen it a badrillion times. The bomb is ticking and the wire must be cut. Well, just like me writing a class paper they have to wait for the last second. The tension is butter thick as the wire cutters head for the green, no wait, the red wire. The wire is cut after the clock reaches 00:01. Phew, that was close.

What I want, is to have someone find the bomb in time and defuse it with great ease and I want to see 32:48 left on the clock when it is done.

The Love Bet

Oh great, another dumb chick flick that you are obligated to watch because of your significant other. The boy makes a bet that he can hook up with a certain girl. He gets her to fall for him and oops, guess what, they actually fell in love. Awww isn’t that cute. But wait, she finds out about the dare and Prince Charming is in hot water. And I didn’t even see it coming.

What I want to see is when the girl finds out that he made the bet, she will laugh it off because she loves him. Then she will just tell people the cute little story about “how we met”.

Can’t We All Just Get Along?

When there is an investigation and the FBI or other federal investigators get called in, the local cops always complain about the feds helping out.

What I would like to see is the local law enforcement being appreciative of the help offered by the extra investigators.

That Stupid Song

I just wish chick flick trailers would stop using that “This Will Be” song. You know the one I am talking about. All the clips in the trailer are of people kissing, dancing or falling off of stuff and sometimes all three at the same time. And they all have the common thread of that annoying song. It is true that I only have to put up with it in movie trailers but it seems like there are 3 or 4 every year that do it. The better solution is to not make chick flicks, but I will be satiated with the discontinued use of that annoying song.


Segways

Does anyone else remember when Segways were supposed to change the transportation world forever? The future was bright and wide open in front of us. Mailmen, police officers, golfers and people who hate stepping but don’t mind standing were all going to be tooling around on those things.

When I see the bitter world we still live in I ask myself, “Why? Why wasn’t the Segway dream realized? Why was the walking world not transformed?” Maybe these are questions that are to be left to better men than I. My only consolation comes from the fact that the Segway did revolutionize one thing. The comedy world has been transformed forever by this wonderful invention. Thank you Segway and Gob.

Segway


The Real “Lunch Lady Land”

One day when I was in the ninth grade, I was eating food from the school cafeteria. It was a tray of school nachos. It didn’t taste too horrible, just as bad as you would expect from stale chips covered with questionable beef and ultra-processed cheese product. As I progressed to the bottom of the tray I noticed something that looked a little like an olive. At first I thought, “That’s strange. It’s an olive. I have never seen an olive in a school nacho tray before.” After further inspection I came to find it was the back shell of a cockroach. At that moment I seriously considered bulimia. Needless to say, I never ate a school lunch after that again in my life.

About a year after that just after school got out for the summer, I was walking home from open gym at the school basketball court. My route took me by the front steps of the high school near the cafeteria. When I was far away from the steps, it appeared as though the sidewalk was moving up ahead. As I got closer I found that it was roaches leaving the school by the millions. I felt like I was in a scene from “The Mummy” with those bugs that swarm and eat people. I could not get past the mass migration without stepping on a few thousand of them. This experience was truly disgusting and insured that myself and none of my posterity would ever eat at a school cafeteria again. Immediately following that, I would sometimes sing Adam Sandler’s “Lunch Lady Land” with the words “Sloppy Roach, Slop-a-Sloppy Roach” in the place of “Sloppy Joes”.

At another point in time, around the end of a school year. I was in our family kitchen and saw about five roaches. We lived near the school and, as evidenced by the previous experience, the roaches have no more nachos to swim in when school is out. So they would come to their summer home which was our house. As the aforementioned five roaches scurried under the garage door, I stepped on one and killed it. Then I swung the door to the garage open to hunt down the others. They ran past our washer and dryer over to our water heater. When I saw the closet for the water heater I turned around and ran away in fear. I grabbed a giant can of Raid and my little brothers with whatever they could find to kill roaches. When we returned to the battle ground it looked worse than before. The whole closet was crawling with roaches. I started to spray and my brothers started to swing. It felt very satisfying to watch the front line of roaches drop off of the wall as I sprayed them. It was a battle royale. I used an entire can and still did not have enough to kill all of the roaches. I started kicking them off the walls and crushing them. The fumes started to get to me and I had to retreat with my brothers. I like to think that there were about a million roaches that wouldn’t make it back to school in the fall because of us. But as we cleaned up with trash bags and dust pans later it was maybe in the thousands. They must have dragged away their wounded. In Texas the roaches are pretty gigantic. Of course, growing up I just thought it was a part of life that roaches were so big, nasty and everywhere you look. Of all the places I have lived those are still the worst roaches. Actually I have only seen three roaches outside of Texas and two came in a package that came from Texas. If someone dropped a nuclear bomb on Texas all that would be left is roaches and alcoholics.


Propaganda For People

I am devoted to uniting mankind and making the world a better place. The other night as I was flipping channels on the old tube, I saw a news commentator talking about how The U.S.A. is the best country in the world. While I personally agree, I also couldn’t help but wonder how this makes people in other countries feel. So to unite the world I have come up with some propaganda that will inspire a sense of pride and togetherness amongst all mankind.

Continue reading “Propaganda For People”