Author: Dale

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EMBARASSING MOMENT!!

First let me WARN you that i was HORRIBLE in english growing up. i have no idea how to properly punctuate and whatnot. I also tend to write like i talk which is considered a big NO NO in the English world. When i write i will go like whole paragraphs without using more than like two periods. Now let me set up the story of… MY MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT!!!! (also i must warn you i take sleeping pills regularly to help me sleep and it is close to my bedtime so i am feeling a little “out of it” which could make this interesting!!!!!)

The Set Up
I had got a paper route when i was going into my middle school year. It was just a couple of streets around the neighborhood i grew up in. my brother helped me out throwing papers. we only delivered about 60 papers. Because we wanted to keep the people happy we made sure to walk the paper to the doorstep. i have never been the most “active” person in the world so occasional i would stand at the bottom of hills and chuck the paper up hoping that it would land close enough to the porch. i also walked through peoples yard’s A LOT to get from house to house. There was this one house in particular that i can remember. I would throw the news paper on the doorstep and then to get to the next house i cut through their yard which had this BIG hill. well at least it seemed big to a little ol 7th grader. toward the end of the hill there was a chunk of ground missing from where there used to be a tree. from time to time i would either forget about the hole or be walking around still half dazed from waking up at 4am i would step in the hole and it would “trip” me. i can’t even remember how many times that sticking hole tripped me i lost count after 50. my most embarrassing moment happened on this hill….

I woke up it was a nice, bright, sunshiny, snowy, freezing, DARK morning. yes i realized i totally contradicted my self tons right there that is what makes it great… any who where was i before i was soo rudely interrupted…. oh yes… I had woke up and threw on some warm clothes so i could make the 100 ft. “trek” out ot the end of the driveway to get our newspapers for the day and as i was out there i noticed it had snowed… A LOT!!! i brought the bundle inside so i could start wrapping the papers. As i was Wrapping i was watching the weather channel waiting for the “local on the 8’s” weather forecast. it had said that it was negative 10 degrees out and negative 35 with windchill. I had finished wrapping my papers and got all bundled up. I had my coverall’s, my boots, my gloves, ski mask and scarf all on now it was time for the most important thing…. my official st. joseph news press paper carrying bag. as i put it on i had noticed how worn it was getting from all o fit’s “faithful” years with me. i noticed some stray strings hanging from the bag. I put it on loaded up and set off on my Important mission to bring the news to the masses. i got to the part of my route that i had told you about earlier… you remember the big hill with the hole… well i tried my best to slowly make my way down the hill but i started sliding a little. when i stopped i was happy that i was still standing. i took a couple steps and found the hole. when i fell i heard a loud SNAP. as i was laying on the ground i quickly sat up and started looking around to see “what it could’ve been that made that loud snapping sound.” I looked around and didn’t see anything. So i quickly hopped up to proceed when i noticed i fell right back to the ground. this puzzled me a bit and i tried again.. i hopped up but quickly fell again. upon closer evaluation i realized my left leg was missing. I looked around and found my leg still standing upright in the hole. As i scooted toward my leg i felt SOOOO EMBARRASSED!!!! i grabbed my leg and was wondering how i would ever be able to finish my paper route with only one leg. when then out of the corner of my eye i saw that loose string from my paper bag flapping in the wind. Suddenly a certain MacGyver instinct suddenly took over me. i reached into my coverall pockets and grabbed out the “buck” brand pocket knife given to me by a friend for a birthday present. using the knife i cut off a long piece of string from my bag. Then i took that piece of string and tied it to my knife and i slowly started “sewing” my leg back on. It took me about a half hour to get it all back on. but it worked as good as new and i have never had any problems with it… But i got gotta say that the time i stepped in the hole and snapped my leg clean off would have to be “hands down” the most embarrassing event in my life.

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Awards

I hate awards shows with a passion. It is like watching an entire industry give itself a big pat on the back or pleasure itself in some other way. Plus the fact that one movie or album gets proclaimed the best doesn’t mean anything to me. I usually hate what was picked anyway. I can’t understand why anyone wants to watch awards shows. The bad jokes, the political jabs and all the pretentious movies/music and millionaires; it is just too much for me to handle. Isn’t it award enough to get paid millions of dollars for playing dress up on camera or acting like you are a musician? Do they really have to get a trophy too? Another thing that really really bothers me is when one of the winners gets up and says something like, “If you keep trying, anything is possible.” The fact is that anything is not possible. Let’s crunch some numbers. 7 billion people in the world, most of them would like to win the award that was just given out. They only give it out once a year which means that in the average lifespan of a person they will give out about 75 of them leaving us a few billion short. Clearly it is not possible. Sorry Kevin Garnett you were wrong. “Anything is Possible” is a much easier phrase to say when you have just won something that the other 6.8 billion people in the world will never win. The next time the kid at Taco Bell repeats my order properly I will proclaim, “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!!” just so I can proclaim it with joy in my lifetime. But who am I kidding, those screw-ups at Taco Bell won’t ever get it right.

I do wish that I could watch the Razzies on TV. And I wish they were hosted by celebrities and had all the bad jokes. It is just nice to see the worst in something proclaimed and given a trophy. Sadly it is still not possible for all of us to win Razzies. Check out all the winners/losers.

I am very happy to see that Indiana Jones won for worst remake, sequel, prequel or ripoff. Very rightly so.

I have no idea who won any of the Oscars. But I will tell you that my “Movie of the Year Award” is split between “Iron Man” and “The Dark Knight”.

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A New Contributor

I know that you have enjoyed hearing my stories more than anything you have ever done in your life; it’s been real pleasant for me too. Now I want to hear some other people’s best stuff. I enjoy hearing what other people have done and how they have felt during certain situations.

Todd Pail
Todd Pail

I have talked to my good old friend Todd Pail and he has some material and the desire to chronicle his own wisdom. He is also one of the most hilarious people I have ever been around and I know he’s got good stuff because I was there for a lot of crazy stuff. Now when he lets you down you can have a riot at your computer desk.

I must confess that Todd Pail is not his real name it is his superhero secret identity. And here and now I will tell you that he is actually Bucketman.

Bucketman

Bucketman

INTERVIEWER: Bucketman, what is your superpower? What can you do with a bucket of Justice?
BUCKETMAN: You roll the bucket, and then you go get it.

Oh yeah, and his real real name is Brandon. So be on the lookout in the near future.

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Kongregate

If you ever have time to waste just go to Kongregate they have a ton of games and I am sure you can find something you can get hooked on. Just be sure to set a timer to tell you when you must stop or you will get lost forever. I recently got lost playing Bubble Tanks.

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Bad Luck With Scooters

When I was a kid we would visit my grandparents every year or so. They always had a lot of really old toys around for everyone to play with. The hot ticket items that everyone wanted to play with were the scooters. We would ride them down the sidewalk in front of the house or around the sidewalks in the park behind the house. When I was about 13 I realized that I didn’t like playing on the scooters and I took stock of exactly why. I came up with many examples of why I should never play on Grandma’s death scoots again. I also figured out that scooters had been bad luck for me in general, but especially at Grandma’s house.

3 or 4 years old – I was sitting on one of the scooters when it slipped out from under me sending my head towards the pavement. My head started bleeding like crazy and I had to have stitches.

8 years old – Riding a scooter in the back yard my brother threw some rocks in front of it and jammed up the wheels. My hands remained on the handle bars leaving my front tooth to try to catch my fall. No more front tooth.

9 years old – Riding scooters and skateboards down a sidewalk on a hill in the park behind Grandma’s house. My brother and I were sharing the one skateboard that hadn’t been taken to the front yard. I went down the hill and crashed into a fence. The chain link fence stabbed into my ankle and If I tried to pull my foot it hurt like crazy. I wasn’t strong enough to pull it out with my bare hands. The skateboard was a few feet away from me and I thought I could slip it under the fence and get my foot out. I asked my brother to hand it to me but he took it and ran to the front of the house because he didn’t want to share it with me. It felt like a couple of hours that I was stuck under the fence bleeding on the pavement but it was really probably 20 minutes. My cousin had the other skateboard and he came out and we used the skateboard to pry up while we pulled the fence out of my leg and my leg out from under the fence.

11 years old – Riding in the front of the house I fell off the scooter and landed on my wrist folding it up under my body.

12 years old – Riding in the park fell off scooter and ripped off my fingernail.

In addition to the above I also had countless jammed fingers, skinned knees and gravel filled hands.

I was either extremely bad at riding on things or very unlucky. If I was bad at it I didn’t want to try to get better. I have watched a great many other kids wipe out extremely hard on scooters and it has only deepened my hatred for them. And those two wheeled “Razor” things, well I have officially named them “Death Scoots” and will never ride one as I believe it will be the end of my existence.

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Isn’t That Cute

Just perusing the internets and I found this video of a little girl. I think she should get a regular spot on the tonight show doing story time.

My favorite line:
“I am weird.”

I know Whipple likes Kittens.

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Pssst, You Look Stupid (FauxHawk)

Many people choose to follow trends that will make them look back in a few years and hopefully feel embarrassed that they were so dumb. We need to help such individuals out by pointing out to them that they look stupid. It may seem negative but it is actually done out of love. Plus it’s a joke.

The FauxHawkfauxhawk

What You Are Saying:
“I want to show that I am a cool ‘rocker’ type who doesn’t care about what people think. But I don’t have the guts to go all the way and shave the sides of my head.”

Makes People Think of:
Someone sitting on the top of your head and squeezing their cheeks when they stand up.

Insulted Person Says to Me:
“Sorry we can’t all have a ‘normal’ hairdo or don’t want to shave the sides of our heads.”

My Reply:
“Apology NOT accepted!!!!!”

Currently Rolling Over In Grave(s):
Mr. T
The Last of the Mohicans

You are welcome.

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Album Recommendation – Thornley “Tiny Pictures”

One day back in 1997 I was driving along listening to the radio. Suddenly a song came on that shocked and amazed me. The song had big, blasting power and lots of stuff that guitar people love. It even had a hoedown section. I was thoroughly impressed and was preparing myself for the torture that would come as I tried to find out the song and band name. To my surprise, the DJ actually came on after the song ended and said that it was “The Oaf” by “Big Wreck”. It just so happened that I was on my way to Circuit City. When I got there, I believe it was fate that the music video for “The Oaf” was playing on the televisions. I decided to “go blind” on an album purchase and get “In Loving Memory Of…”. Going blind on an album is often dangerous and can leave you with a really bad album on your hands that only has one song that you like or liked at one point. In the modern era of itunes and such it is a near impossibility to go blind on an album.

I bought the album and took it home for a listen. I got all situated for a good listening experience hoping to not be let down. The first song on the album was “The Oaf” so of course that was enjoyable. Then I went through the rest of the album and when it finished and I sat up having never felt so satisfied with a first listen of an album in my entire life. The main brain behind the operation of Big Wreck was a fellow named Ian Thornley. Big Wreck had another album come out four years after the first and then they split up.

Three years after the last Big Wreck album a friend told me that he heard something about Ian Thornley starting another band. I had to check it out and sure enough Thornley had an album out. This album was a good one but it felt very contrived and lacking in certain aspects to me. The layers and layers of guitars didn’t seem to be there and nothing really amazed me. Don’t get me wrong I liked it, but I felt like much of the songwriting and mixing was geared towards trying to fit in with a style that wasn’t natural for Ian Thornley.

Five years after that album (that’s right 5, cinco, V, FIVE) Mr. Thornley has finally got another album out. I listened to the first single on the website a few weeks ago and was a little frightened. I knew that Nick Raskulinecz was the Producer of the album and he had done a great job for the Foo Fighters, but the single I heard on the website sounded, to me, like it had been mixed by Kelly Clarkson. This made me frightened as February 10th approached.

I have major issues with Thornley’s stupid record company too. They are called 604 records and are based in Canada. First off, they have an amazing guitarist and songwriter and they make people wait 5 years between albums. Word on the street is that the songs have been written and ready to get out for 2 or 3 years at least. Next they have only released this new album in Canada. You can’t even get it on itunes in the US. Thirdly, I hate the band Nickelback and the company is owned by the singer. Fourth, I pre-ordered the album from the 604 website and I am pretty sure I was one of, if not, the first to order it. But I have not received it even though they said they were going to ship it a few days before it came out. Fifth, how hard can it be to print an album in vinyl? I love vinyl records and would really love a copy of this album in vinyl. The cover was done by famous Pink Floyd album designer Storm Thorgerson and who wouldn’t want a record sized piece of his artwork?

Since the album came out yesterday and I didn’t have it yet, I resorted to less than respectable means of getting it. Since I paid for it and am waiting for it, I figure I am covered. I listened to it and was not too let down and must state that I do like it. The first single, that I listened to on the website, has a different and better version on the album that sounds more Bachman Turner Overdrive than Kelly Clarkson. The rest of the songs are, for the most part very well written and mixed. Ian Thornley’s guitar mastery is fully on display in the album. It is filled with tons of little things that make guitar fans giddy. Many different fun instruments can be found throughout the album, such as mandolin, banjo, steel guitar and I think I even heard a banjolin in there too. Some low points of the album include the first track, which has some really bad lyrics and a ridiculous children’s choir and the ninth track which is nothing special. There are some moments that feel a little Nickelbackish too, which adds to why I don’t give it a perfect ten, but Ian Thornley could make Michael Bolton material more appealing to me. As I continue to listen to it I think it may hold up with some of my favorite albums, but probably not top ten, or maybe even twenty. It is just so rare that an album comes out that I would recommend, so I recommend this one.

Listen to an overcompressed radio preview of it that sounds nowhere near as good as the album

or

Go Buy it and wait forever to get it.

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Standardization Will Save Us All

Gypsum board. Gyp board. 5/8ths board. Half board. Sheet rock. Dry wall.  As I began my job in construction I heard these terms used with great frequency.  Needless to say, I was confused and nervous that I was going to mess something up.  The term that I was familiar with was “dry wall”, so I kept thinking, “What is so special about sheet rock, that it deserves its own name? Why refer to this one as gypsum board?”  I quickly became annoyed as I learned that they were all the exact same thing (sometimes different sizes).  I then began to think about the incredible amount of things in this world that we have multiple names for and how much that bothers me. Let’s pick one name and simplify everything.

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Wisdom Teeth

When I was 19 I had to have a surgery to remove my wisdom teeth. I set up my appointment and pulled enough cash out of the bank to pay for it, hoping that I wouldn’t get mugged. My mother took me down to the surgeon’s office. They hooked me up to something through an IV and gave me gas as well. I remember the gas mask coming down and my mind was totally clear then I began to hear what sounded like cicadas and then I saw black for what felt like about 2 seconds. After the short blackness the nurse told me to stand up when I felt that I could. I immediately thought I could but didn’t try. I was very dizzy. I thought, “But they haven’t even taken my teeth out.” As I did get up and walk down the hall I felt like I was crooked and I knocked some pictures on the wall sideways. My mother took me outside and I leaned on a sign in front of the office with my arms crossed and my chin on my arms. I remember having a stupid smile on my face at that point then I stumbled into the car. Once in the car I passed out. When I came to, I was sitting at a Sonic Drive In with my mother and she was asking me something. I answered yes to her even though I was not clear on the question. After saying yes I magically had a strawberry float in my hands which I remember tasting like coins and cotton. Then I barely remember walking into the house and plopping on the couch. I fell asleep there wondering why they hadn’t operated on me.

After some time, I am not sure how much, I woke up without the haze and found my cheeks stuffed with bloody gauze pads. I threw them away and checked out the stitches in my mouth. I was blown away that the 2 seconds I couldn’t see anything was enough time for an operation. I had a burger for dinner that night and healed up pretty quickly without swelling.

When I saw this video it took me back to the haze for a second.