Author: Dale

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Oh Joy, The Razzies

I am a fan of the Golden Raspberry Awards also known as “The Razzies”. If you don’t know, they give out awards for the worst movies in a year. They have released their nominees for 2008 and I will list a bunch here and even though I don’t partake of awful cinema often I will give my picks:

(Note: I don’t care if I spoil anything for you about any movie.)

Worst Movie

  • Hottie & the Nottie
  • Speed Racer
  • Disaster Movie
  • Meet the Spartans
  • The Day the Earth Stood Still
  • High School Musical 3
  • Dungeon Siege
  • The Love Guru
  • Postal
  • Rambo
  • The Happening
  • Meet Dave
  • Witless Protection

My pick for this is The Day the Earth Stood Still. It was the only movie I saw out of this list, and I thought it was pretty dumb. The original was a commentary on violence and humankind. This new one says that humans are destroying the earth and so humans must be destroyed. Really what they meant was cars and factories are destroying the world and so cars and factories must be destroyed. Which is what happened at the end.

Worst Actress

  • Reese Witherspoon
  • Paris Hilton
  • Jessica Alba
  • The cast of The Women
  • Camilla Belle
  • Cameron Diaz
  • Kate Hudson
  • Diane Keaton
  • Jennifer Connelly
  • Zooey Deschanel
  • Vanessa Hudgens
  • Eva Longoria-Parker

I am gonna go with Cameron Diaz just because of her face.

Worst Actor

  • Tom Cruise
  • Zac Efron
  • Dane Cook
  • Larry the Cable Guy
  • Eddie Murphy
  • Al Pacino
  • Keanu Reeves
  • Sylvester Stallone
  • Will Ferrell
  • Ashton Kutcher
  • Mike Myers
  • Adam Sandler
  • Mark Wahlberg

I have a deep seeded dislike for Will Ferrell’s work. Let’s pick him.

Worst Director

  • Sylvester Stallone
  • Uwe Boll
  • Scott Derrickson
  • Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
  • Tom Putnam
  • Marco Schnabel Jon Avnet
  • Diane English
  • Roland Emmerich
  • Brian Robbins
  • Kenny Ortega
  • M. Night Shyamalan

I didn’t see the new Shyamalan movie because I quit watching his stuff about 2 movies ago. I pick him here because if his previous trend continued, his newest movie was horrible.

Worst Couple

  • Kate Hudson & Matthew McConaughey
  • Kate Hudson & Dane Cook
  • Any couple from High School Musical 3
  • Cameron Diaz & Ashton Kutcher
  • Paris Hilton & Joel David Moore
  • Larry the Cable Guy & Jenny McCarthy
  • Any couple from Mamma Mia
  • Eddie Murphy & Eddie Murphy (Meet Dave)
  • Al Pacino & His Hair
  • Mark Wahlberg & Zooey Deschanel
  • Mark Wahlberg & Mila Kunis
  • Sylvester Stallone & His Ego

Any couple from Mamma Mia is my pick. One, it is a funny nomination. Two I just want to get in a jab on Mamma Mia.

Worst Prequel, Sequel, Remake or Rip-off

  • High School Musical 3
  • Indiana Jones 4
  • Rambo
  • Star Wars: The Clone Wars
  • Disaster Movie
  • Meet the Spartans
  • An American Carol
  • The Women
  • The Day the Earth Stood Still
  • Prom Night
  • Speed Racer
  • X-Files: I Want To Believe

Hands down, Indiana Jones 4 is the worst. It should be the worst movie. I cannot stress how much I hated this movie.

Worst Career Achievement

  • Madonna
  • Uwe Boll
  • Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
  • Keanu Reeves
  • Sylvester Stallone

I will give this one to Madonna, even though I haven’t seen any of her movies. I really dislike her music and that is part of her career achievement.

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Naming Your Car

Naming a car is an essential thing to do. Most people just go with referring to their automobile with names like “The Honda”, “The Red Car” or “The Truck”. You can do better than that, people, come on. I just got rid of my 1994 Jeep Cherokee, aka “The Rhinosaur” and I have recently been thinking about names for vehicles.

When naming a vehicle it is important that you actually use the name. Thus the name should not be stupid. Do not name the car based on its color. This is very important. Unless the car has a very unusual paint job, do not use it’s color as the basis for it’s name. The best names come from experiences, non-color traits of the vehicle and things that you have heard elsewhere that can apply. My Rhinosaur was named after a Soundgarden song, but, not just simply after the song. The name Rhinosaur sounds tough and invokes the image of a huge beast ready to charge at you. The Rhinosaur had been in 2 tornadoes back in Texas and had been hit by a trampoline in one of them. The outside of the car was covered in dents and scratches. The engine was an inline six cylinder engine which made the car move faster than one would think it would. There was even a Texas Longhorn logo in the back window which adds to the charging beast thought. These things all lead me to think of rhinos or dinosaurs.

Next, resist the urge to name the car immediately when you get it. It is not like a boat that must have a name before it can head out to sea. Allow some time to have some experiences with the vehicle and learn how it handles and how it treats you. When a defining moment for a vehicle happens you will know it. I have had a Jeep Compass for a year or so now and haven’t really had a good name until the other day when it snowed like crazy. That thing zips right through the snow. I watched three Suburbans in a row try to get up a hill near my house while I waited on a side street. None of them made it and they all turned away back down to the bottom of the hill in shame. I headed up and made it to the top just fine. So I am heavily considering naming the vehicle after Balto, the lead dog in the last leg of the 1925 serum run to Nome. While waiting for a name to come to you, it is perfectly acceptable to have a temporary name or to just say, “it is not named yet”.

Multiple names can be allowed but no more than two. In high school I would drive around my family’s 15 seater Dodge Ram van. I saw Shaquille Oneal on TV one day showing off a van that he had put speakers in. He called it “The Van of Death”. I started calling our van “The Van of Social Death”. A short time later I caught part of some TV show starring Sinbad. He was going to have to get a van to haul kids around in and he didn’t want to be a mega van person. That’s when our van took the moniker “The MegaVan”. Every once in a while it would still be jokingly called the Van of Social Death and people knew what was being talked about.

Be sure to always be aware of what vehicles are called in your house or amongst your friends. Years after the MegaVan was stolen, and no doubt employed in the human smuggling trade, my mother made reference to a vehicle called “The Woolly Mammoth”. She was actually referring to the MegaVan. You cannot rename a vehicle that has been given a name that is in wide use amongst others. It just will not work, so don’t try. It is also disrespectful of those that have come up with the previous names. So be sure to know what the names are or you will almost surely commit a party foul. I think my younger siblings similarly renamed our Honda Civic Wagon from the name that I had previously given it, “The Millenium Falcon”. There is a great story behind that name that I will share in the near future.

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Awareness Awareness

Everyone should be aware of being aware. I tried the White team test a while ago and more recently found a mystery awareness test. Give them a try.

When I first did the top one I totally missed it and on the second one I only noticed one thing change and that is because it is slightly related to the top one.

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Things You Should Do Once a Year

I was just thinking about things that I want to be sure that I get done in a year at least once, some of them more. Since years seem to fly by faster the older you get, some of these could start to get difficult. I am going to try to do everything on this list this year.

Listen to a sporting event on the radio
Take a vacation
Lay in a hammock
Go to the dentist
Play a yard game (Horseshoes, Croquet, Bocce ball etc.)
Go sledding (or some other form of traveling down a hill at an increased rate).
Read a book
Try a new food or new variation of a food.
Draw a picture.
Give away a big chunk of money to help others.
Go to some sort of museum or exhibit for something.
Look through old pictures and/or papers.
Light some fireworks
Get a Physical
Rotate your Tires
Jimmy-Rig something
Have a fire/bonfire

If you have something to add let’s hear it.

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Top Albums of 2008

I was going to do a top ten but I couldn’t come up with ten good albums for this year. I could only come up with a few good ones and some pretty decent ones.

8. Warpaint – The Black Crowes
This one got a three out of five star review before anyone could even possibly listen to it. For me it might be a 6.8 out of 10.

7. Strangefolk – Kula Shaker
It’s been a while since the last Kula Shaker album but they still brought the good stuff. 7.2 of 10.

6. Flight of the Conchords – Flight of the Conchords
Hilarious and imaginative, these guys have made the best funny album in a long time. 7.3 of 10.

5. HAARP – Muse
This is a live album so of course I know I like the songs. 7.6 out of 10.

4. Weezer (Red) – Weezer
For me I have only ever fully liked Weezer’s first album and Pinkerton. Everything else has just had a couple of good songs and then not been good as an album experience. This year they came out with a fine album which made me a fan again. 7.8 of 10.

3. And You Were a Crow – The Parlor Mob
A breath of fresh air to finally find a new band that I don’t hate. 8.7 of 10.

2. Ode to J. Smith – Travis
In their first album to use electric guitars since Good Feeling, Travis has made another good album. 9.0 out of 10.

1. Seldom Seen Kid – Elbow
Another great album from Elbow. The only thing stopping it from being a 9.9 or a 10 is the fact that there seems to be a lull in the pace of the album from time to time, but don’t let that make you not enjoy the album. 9.3 of 10.

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Most “In a Hurry” Drivers

In my travels throughout the United States I have noticed, as many of you may have, that the driving customs change from area to area. I am now in Northern Virginia for Christmas and I went to do a little shopping last weekend. On my way to the store I noticed a few annoying things such as everyone going, at the very least, 15 over the speed limit and the all too common left turn while I am trying to right turn coming from the other way.

I went into the store and grabbed a shopping cart. The best way to get a feel for the attitude of local drivers is to go to a crowded store and push a grocery cart around. This provides a microcosm for you to study their driving methods without getting killed. I have never been cut off by so many shopping carts in my life. As I moseyed through the store grabbing what I needed I thought I was moving at a good quick pace, but I found myself constantly getting cut off and pushed out of where I wanted to go at the last second. The driving study was highlighted by the moment that I was hit from behind by some short lady. As I was leaving the parking lot I even got squeezed out of my place in line to get out of there. I will say that I did get to where I wanted to go quickly and efficiently, my only problem was that I took a lot of heat from other drivers even though I was going above the posted speed limits. And luckily I did not get hit from behind by someone in a car. If you don’t mind getting tailgated and cut off then Northern Virginia up around the Washington DC area is for you.

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Great New Product

This is pretty dumb unless you are a very cold Satan worshipper or cult leader. Then it rules.

Sure I could get a Snuggie. Or I could just put on my coat.

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The Cowboys and My Moment of Vindication

When I was a young lad I liked the Dallas Cowboys. I remember running around pretending to be Danny White while wearing my Cowboys shirt and toughskin jeans. It was a good time for the Cowboys, right around the end of their 20 years of consecutive winning seasons under legendary coach Tom Landry. Tom Landry invented the 4-3 defense and the Flex defense. He had been the coach for the Cowboys since they had been a team and had helped them to become a great football team. When I think of football in the old days before the mid 80’s I think of the Cowboys, then the Packers, then the Bears. No other teams really stand out historically to me.

Well, come time for the 1989 season and the purchase of the team by one Jerry Jones, Landry was fired and Jimmy Johnson was put in as his replacement. There was no trial period or time to wind down Landry with Johnson as an assistant. Worst of all there was no recognition for anything Landry had done. Usually when a legend leaves the game they have special ceremonies and name something after them. Not with Jerry Jones at the helm. He just fired Landry and kicked him out, no class and total disrespect. The Cowboys then had some of their worst years and when newly recruited players came they picked back up and won a few Super Bowls.

Landry didn’t say anything bad about Jones. He didn’t seem to mind getting no recognition. He met with his players one last time two days after getting the ax and told them how much he would miss them. As he broke into tears his players gave him a standing ovation. Landry represented class and dignity.

In my senior year in high school, near the end of the nineties, I did a research paper on crime and violence in professional sports. Most of my material came from players on the Cowboys. There were a few rapists, some had been charged with assault and many had drug charges as well. I am not saying that if Landry had been there everyone would be perfect, I am just saying he kept it down and Jerry Jones seems to enjoy the problem players and welcome them. I have not liked the Cowboys since Jerry Jones became the owner and I will not like them until he is gone.

I received some support and a sort of vindication in my long standing position when I read this satirical article. It is funny and sad.

Tom Landry died in February of 2000.
Quotes:

* “When you want to win a game, you have to teach. When you lose a game, you have to learn.”
* “Leadership is a matter of having people look at you and gain confidence, seeing how you react. If you’re in control, they’re in control.”
* “Leadership is getting someone to do what they don’t want to do, to achieve what they want to achieve.”
* “If you don’t know if your shoes are tied, look at your shoes.”

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Bad Boss

At one point I wanted to do construction for work. I enjoyed shop class in high school and I liked the drafting section so much that the teacher had to make extra assignments for me to keep me busy. While in college I was at talking to a man who owned a construction company when he asked me how much I was making at the telephone survey place I was working at. I told him $7.35 an hour and he started to laugh with another man who was with us. They talked for a little about many people starting at $14 an hour and the like. He told me to come by his office and he would give me a job and he said, with the laugh slightly reappearing, “Oh we can beat $7.35.” I was interested for sure. So I quit my other job and went on down. He gave me the initial talking to about construction and such then he sent me out on my first day of work. I came back and asked him, “What am I going to be paid?” He seemed to not remember laughing at my old wage at all and he asked me again how much I had been making. I told him $7.35 and he came back with “Well, we can put you at $8.00.” $8.00???? I had been a supervisor at a telephone survey company for $7.35. At that job I was inside all day, no manual labor, I got to associate with people all day and it was generally an enjoyable experience at the company for someone who doesn’t have to make phone calls. Now I was going to be working like a dog, sweating and hurting, outdoors many times and in many strange and dangerous places for an extra $0.65 an hour. Remember he laughed at my old wage. $0.65 does not warrant a laughable difference in wage. Especially with the difference in workload.

Well, I kept working for him for peanuts. I learned a few things that everyone should know about how to build and repair things. After working for him for a while he sent me to do a job at an Air Force base. On the base workers must get paid Davis and Bacon wages which is just a minimum that the government requires people building stuff for them get. I was excited as I was to get about $13.00 an hour. I also had to drive a couple of hours to get there everyday. My boss would only give me gas money for half of my trips. I took the early morning drive many times across ice and snow which slowed me down even more. The first paycheck did not include a gas reimbursement and I was told it would be added up near the end of the project. For the last two weeks of the project I put in 15 hours of overtime and was really excited for my check. When I got my check there was no gas reimbursment and my overtime hours had been taken off. I brought it up with my boss and he said I was going to have to talk to the guy who he had put in charge of the project. Like a sucker I just waited till I saw the other guy, which didn’t really happen unless it was a bad time to talk. Then I got laid off because the company had no more projects. I was soured on the construction business because my boss was an idiot and a liar.