Author: Dale

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OJ in the Future

With OJ Simpson being sentenced today I thought this would be a good time for me to travel into the future to see what is in store for him. As I looked around the future I was shocked when I found a newspaper dated April 23, 2019. The newspaper relayed the following details:

OJ Simpson knew what he was doing when he held up those sports memorabilia dealers in the Las Vegas Hotel. He had previously mentioned that he was on the hunt for the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. He had tracked the killer to the Nevada State Penitentiary. Knowing that no one would believe him without good hard evidence, he decided to concoct a plan to land himself in prison where he could search out the real killer. After being incarcerated for a few months he had his eye on a powerful gang leader that everyone lovingly called “Extra Cheese”. OJ could not get close enough to him without getting through the gang gatekeeper “Tiny-Hands McStabby”. After befriending Tiny-Hands and Extra Cheese he would hang out in their cell with them and talk for hours. One day OJ noticed a slap bracelet on Extra Cheese that seemed familiar. He called his man on the outside, Kato Kaelin, and asked him to bring him some old photos by the prison. Sure enough Ron Goldman was wearing the slap bracelet in one of the photos. Now more convinced than ever he hatched another plan to get the evidence.

On the predesignated day he started a fight with one of his hotel hold-up buddies over who is the greatest running back of all time. The fight soon escalated into a full scale prison riot. In the confusion he spotted Extra Cheese across the cafeteria. He had the slap bracelet on and had something dangling out of his pocket. OJ hurdled across the cafeteria faster than he ever ran through the airport. He dove at Extra Cheese and snagged the bracelet and the item hanging from his pocket. To his surprise the item was a ziploc bag filled with Nicole’s blood stained hair with Extra Cheese’s and Tiny-Hands McStabby’s fingerprints all over. Suddenly it all came together. The gloves that wouldn’t fit made so much more sense now as the gloves had belonged to Tiny-Hands. This find infuriated Extra Cheese and his band of gangsters. OJ was going to have to pull out the greatest run of his life to get out of this one. He began to head towards a gate that was closing with his old legs pumping as fast as they could. A couple of guys jumped at him but he broke their tackles and proceeded onward. He made it to the gate just before it closed capturing Extra Cheese and Tiny-Hands on the other side with mayhem surrounding them. OJ made it to the warden’s office and presented him with the evidence. Unfortunately for OJ he never told the sports memorabilia dealers what his plan was because he wanted it to seem more real. He was not released from prison as he was still guilty of the crime he was in there for.

:Isn’t that amazing. I can’t wait until 2019 so everyone else can see it.

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Things That Should Be Done

1. Ultimate fighting isn’t really ultimate fighting. For that, you have to watch a war. They should instead call it “Pretty Rough Fighting”.

2. I like Lost. It is one of the few shows I watch. You should catch up on all the episodes then start watching the next to last season in January.

3. Axl Rose should calm down. And Dr. Pepper should have been prepared.

4. Later today you should be on itunes making a purchase. Well if it was any good you should be. The stuff Colbert does alone isn’t too bad.

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F

The F word. One must admit it is one of the ugliest words in the English language. It is used in all kinds of different situations and has multiple meanings. I must confess that in the most rare and perfectly timed instances I have found it’s use to be hilarious. Unfortunately a vast majority of it’s uses just come off as crude, uneducated and disrespectful. The origins of the word seem to fascinate many people and there are many differing versions.

I have heard a great many people tell the all too common little stories about how we got the F word into the English language. The first is that people would get permission from the king to have relations with each other and they would say that it was “Fornication Under Consent of the King”. The other popular one is that constables would arrest prostitutes and would book them using the acronym for “For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge”. Both of these stories are completely silly and are not true.

The word’s first recorded historical use was around the year 1500. Back then the word was also very controversial and no one would write it down to provide an explanation of where it came from. The best explanation I have heard is that the word comes from one of two words. The Dutch word fokken, which refers to breeding animals and the Swedish fokka which means pretty much just straight up “relations”. Don’t let anyone tell you one of those acronym stories and pass it off as the truth.

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Bean

While you’re out saving the economy with your shopping you can think of this video.

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Work Work Work

My Grandpa taught my siblings and I what a good days work was. When I was thirteen we lived with our Grandparents for a bit and I cannot remember a Saturday when we did not have some project that we were assigned to do. Our tasks included helping Grandpa fix up a car for our Aunt, building a fence, helping to move an old shack to be used as a barber shop and of course, the usual mowing and caring for the yard. I appreciate the lessons learned now, but at the time it felt pretty brutal.

Flash forward a few years when I had moved closer to my grandparents to go to school. My brother Cole and I went down to our Grandparents house for Thanksgiving. We brought along our friend Dave and spent the night in the basement. In the morning we went out to throw a football around. We went to the front yard which had some snow in it. We were tossing the old pigskin around when my Grandpa came out and said, “You should go to the backyard where there is less snow.” We all thought, “Yeah that makes sense.” But there was still something in the back of our minds that didn’t seem right. Dave can smell manual labor from 10 miles away and disappeared into the house without saying anything. Cole and I went around to the back and hadn’t even thrown a pass when Grandpa said, “Hey, while you’re back here, come give me a hand with this.” We dropped the ball and went to help. It seemed like a 2 minute task. He wanted us to load an old fridge onto a trailer. We loaded it up easily enough then Grandpa asked us to drive it over to his shed and unload it. We got to the shed and we had to reorganize the shed with him. You can see how things just snowball.

Well, after we were done we went back into the house to find Dave. He was in the basement playing Grandma’s video games. Dave said he knew what was coming so he got out of there. That’s just fine, especially since he was a guest and shouldn’t have to work, it’s just funny that he disappeared so quickly.

We wouldn’t really remember just throwing a football around, but we definitely remember the time Grandpa tricked us into working on Thanksgiving morning.

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Random Things

1. Can you believe that Guns n’ Roses is releasing Chinese Democracy after something like 14 years in the making?

2. As a result of number 1 you can get free Dr. Pepper.

3. BYU plays Utah tomorrow. (Go Cougars) My prediction is that the Utes win and I would like to see the score be 34-31 since that has been the final score in more BYU-Utah games than any other score. Remember to not be a jerk fan. Just have fun with a rivalry. There are too many idiots out there that actually hate other people because they like a different team.

4. I can’t decide whether to be scared or excited about an Arrested Development movie. No one from the cast has really done anything good since the show ended and usually people try to think bigger for the movie in writing and totally miss the original vibe of the tv show.

5. I want one of these for Christmas.

6. If I was a Governor of a state or President of these fine United States, I would only pardon a turkey if their case was questionable and still had some lingering reasonable doubt. Otherwise they are a delicious danger to society and should be killed.

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1994 A Great Year for Music

With this year shaping up to be a pretty shameful year for music I have been looking back to the past for comfort. I have found the year 1994 to be quite comforting and it has a bit of everything for a wide range of tastes. If you like collections there was an INXS greatest hits album, an Aerosmith “Best of” album called “Big Ones” or you can go with the “Pulp Fiction” or “Forrest Gump” soundtracks. For the R&B, Soul-slash-Girly music crowd there was a Boyz II Men, a Sarah McLachlan and I think a Mariah Carey album. Even the Mormon Tabernacle Choir got in on 1994 and put something out.

For the rock fan here is a list of material that may be enjoyable:

  • Radiohead – My Iron Lung EP
  • Soundgarden – Superunknown
  • Tom Petty – Wildflowers
  • The Verve – No Come Down
  • Weezer – Weezer(Blue)
  • Stone Temple Pilots – Purple
  • R.E.M. – Monster
  • Pantera – Far Beyond Driven
  • Offspring – Smash
  • Nirvana – Unplugged in New York
  • Neil Young – Sleeps With Angels
  • Live – Throwing Copper
  • Pearl Jam – Vitalogy
  • Pink Floyd – The Division Bell
  • Alice in Chains – Jar of Flies
  • Johnny Cash – American Recordings
  • Jeff Buckley – Grace
  • Green Day – Dookie
  • Eagles – Hell Freezes Over
  • Collective Soul – Hints Allegations and Things Left Unsaid
  • Bush – Sixteen Stone
  • Cake – Motorcade of Generosity
  • Dave Matthews Band – Under the Table and Dreaming
  • The Black Crowes – Amorica
  • Ben Harper – Welcome to the Cruel World
  • (Last but certainly not least) Hootie and the Blowfish – Cracked Rear View

Try finding another year with as many releases that are even slightly enjoyable.

You can have a listen and travel back in time.
If you know of anything else that is listenable that was released in 1994 let me know.

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Sweet Shredding

I think these videos are hilarious. Sorry to the ladies out there as no girl I have ever showed these to has laughed, but rather ony laugh at my enjoyment of the videos.

I love the clapping and vocals

Great drums.

This could be my favorite.

Clapton hasn’t lost a step.