Author: Dick

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Gallon Challenge

Rule # 1: Drink a gallon of milk in a half an hour.
Rule # 2: Keep it down for another half hour.

If you do a google search on the gallon challenge all you will find is people saying that it can’t be done.  They will say that the human stomach cannot hold a gallon of fluid and that someone who tries will just throw it up.  You may also find a video or two of somebody barfing up a good portion of a gallon of milk.

I must inform you now, that it is possible.  I myself have done it successfully.  I did it on March 16th 1999.  I had three witnesses to this event and they signed my empty milk jug which had once contained whole milk.  I will share with you now my secrets of completing the challenge.

Size

If you want to do the challenge successfully you must be larger than the average human or find some way to make your stomach larger than the average human’s.  For me, I was 6 ft. 5 inches and weighed 280 lbs when I did it.  That came in handy.

Make Room

The night before I did it, I ate an entire “Big New Yorker” pizza from Pizza Hut.  This stretched out the old stomach or at least gave me the placebo effect of thinking that I stretched my stomach.  The day that I did it I didn’t eat anything until I was drinking that gallon, that way I was good and thirsty and my stomach had plenty of space to expand.

Absorb

I ate three Krispy Kreme donuts while I was drinking the gallon.  I believe that the donuts helped hold down some milk and maybe there is some way that sugar helped me to process stuff faster. I will have to ask a doctor about it sometime.

Timing

You have a whole half hour to drink it, so don’t be a hero.  I like to get a good amount in right at first and let it start processing.  I got 3/4 of the gallon down within a couple of minutes.  I took the other 28 minutes or so to get the last 1/4 of a gallon down.

I had the three witnesses sign the milk jug and I drew a picture of a cow on it and wrote, “Voy a tener que mear en la manana” on the side.  After drinking a whole gallon of milk I was very very cold and had to try to warm up.  Then in the middle of the night I got up to pee and my pee looked like skim milk.  I was excited to have done it with three witnesses because I had done it once before but had no witnesses.  The milk jug was later thrown away by some jerk.  The three witnesses live on though.  I have since become more concerned with my health and I weigh less than I did then so I do not know if I could do it again.  Rest assured, if I do it again I will make a video and you will witness it too.

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Whack a Penguin

This game is pretty much a classic for me. I have only ever gotten to the 570’s so I keep trying to get to the 593 since someone said it is possible.

Click once to get the penguin to drop then click again when you want the Sasquatch to hit it.

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Sweet Justice

If you weren’t reading right now, I would ask you to close your eyes and imagine with me that you are in your car, stopped at a light. You look over to the passenger seat because you think you see a dollar bill over there. Your eyes have been off the light for about 0.42 seconds when you suddenly hear a loud obnoxious honking from behind you. The light has turned green and either Jack Bauer is behind you and needs to get downtown “NOW!!!” before the bomb explodes, or you are in front of an impatient jerk.

You may feel far too lazy to get out of your car and rain down blows upon them, or your parole officer wouldn’t like it if it happened again. What do you do? Honking is, pretty much, only effective for those in front of you. It seems that you are left with no way to let them know they hurt your feelings and all you can do is drive away like a wimp. Although, sometimes you can wait until the light turns red and then take off, leaving Honky McGee sitting at another red light. That one gets old after about the 20th time you do it and you also run the risk of Charlie Manson Jr. being behind Honky McGee in the line of cars.  Also, if it really is Jack Bauer you will have some splainin’ to do.  Personally, I don’t think about it anymore.  I have a secret weapon. (Watch Video) cont. below.

With this weapon I can let someone know that, surprisingly enough, their honking wasn’t appreciated. It also works great if someone is tailgating you. I have made people who were tailgating me laugh at being squirted.

There are a couple of things I would like to do. First I want to put a big dog leg on the back of the Jeep that will lift up when it squirts. Next I want to have somebody on a scooter or motorcycle do something to anger me while they are behind me in traffic. Don’t worry I won’t go looking for trouble, I will only use this power for good, not evil.  This was not something I did to my car on purpose, it just wore out on its own. But who am I to question this serendipitous blessing?

Let me be very clear about one more thing too.  If you were staring at the imaginary dollar bill in the passenger seat for five minutes, then you deserve to be honked at and you should suck it up and drive away promptly.  Now drive courteously.

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Pirates

Oh boy, what happened? I actually liked the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, but the next 2 movies really stunk. I really like this version of the trailer for the last one.

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Zombie Plan

As an Eagle Scout I find it very helpful to “Be Prepared” for any situation that may arise. When looking at a place to live I check the usual things such as, “Are the showers low flow?”, “Are there any strange noises when I step anywhere or lean on something?”, and “Could a zombie easily access windows?”.  I myself, have had zombie plans long before it was popular.

Step 1 – Prevent Zombie Entry

Right now I am renting the top part of a duplex which provides a pretty good zombie defense system.  My back door has a rickety old stairway that I could fairly easily knock away from the house if I were to suddenly come under seige by the leagues of the undead.  My front door will be blocked by several strategically placed pieces of furniture which will jam it shut against the stairway that leads up from it.  With the doors properly defended the windows of the second story duplex now become a great asset.  I can see what the gathering hordes of pale brain-eaters might be plotting or I can use them to assist me with step 2.  If I were on a ground level floor I would need a lot more plywood to feel secure with my windows.  Being so high up I only need to worry if Spud Webb is in my neighborhood and has been captured and converted.  But let’s be realistic, Spud Webb would be the hero of such a situation and those rotten-fleshed ex-humans would never catch him.

Step 2 – Take the Offensive

The measures you take to kill zombies depend highly on which movies are correct in their mode of zombie execution.  Some popular beliefs about how to send zombies to the afterlife include:

  • Cutting off their heads.
  • Blowing their brains out.
  • Burning them.
  • Some believe that you cannot stop them but would have to render their bodies useless, while avoiding the still moving limbs.
  • Killing them as you would a normal human is a popular choice too (Preferred).

In a dream scenario my gun toting brother would be at my house with his arsenal of weaponry when the zombies strike. But most likely I would have to craft my own means of destruction like MacGyver.  When killing so many zombies you must be careful to watch how high the bodies are stacking so they don’t reach your window level, but other than that, happy killings.

Step 3 – Make an Escape

You must always come to the realization that you are running out of food, or that the zombies are slowly becoming more clever and will get you soon, which will be evidenced by the large human pyramid of zombies approaching your window.  When this happens you have to make a break for it.  Hopefully you have access to a car that can easily drive over masses of dead bodies, but you must make due with what you have.  My garage is, unfortunately, not connected to my house so I would make the standard distraction while my loved ones and unbitten neighbors headed for my Jeep, armed with knives and broken mop handles.  They would then drive under the part of the house that I am dangling from and I would drop on top of the car and kick zombies in their faces.  We would then drive around looking for the nearest zombie-free military evacuation zone or the like.

Some Other Things to Keep in Mind

1. If the zombies are standard zombies then my plan is sufficient, but if they are zombies a la “I Am Legend” I am in huge trouble.  The massive army of undead, super-fast spider men is a force to be reckoned with.  Hats off to Will Smith, he made it a long time.

2. In the future I would really like to get a flame thrower extension put onto my house gas pipeline.

3. If perchance I am captured and bitten I could find that being a zombie is not so bad.  Zombies have a strong sense of community and as a white American it would be nice to finally have a “Community” to belong to.  I also recently started educating myself about zombies, so I am not so ignorant about them. Watch these videos and remove your bigotry.

See more Ed Helms videos at Funny or Die

See more Ed Helms videos at Funny or Die

See more Ed Helms videos at Funny or Die
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Cable Ripoff

I recently canceled my comcast cable TV because they jacked my rate up to a ridiculous level. Internet and TV were costing me $120 a month. I had a hard enough time paying $80 a month but $120 is beyond the line. Their commercials are funny, but extremely untrue. Life without TV was a little jarring at first. “What do I do with myself?” “I need to watch something.” When you get past the first few days you realize that you will live and you look forward to the future productivity that will come to you. I was thus engaged in my new found joy, when I realized that football season is coming up. Now I am filled with rage as I know I can’t escape from paying a stupid cable company for what I don’t want. Prepare yourself for the great wisdom which shall spill forth hence.

I Only Want 12 Channels, Let Me Only Pay For What I Want

ABC (free anyway)
NBC (free anyway)
ESPN
ESPN2
Fox Sports
The Mountain
TNT
Discovery (Hey, I am a nerd, lay off)
History (Hey, I am a nerd, lay off)
KJZZ (Hey, I am a Utah Jazz fan, lay off)
And a couple of others, I am sure, which may or may not include the weather channel.

It is one of the biggest ripoffs ever that you cannot pick and choose the channels you want and only pay for those in a cheaper package.  It should be illegal to make people pay for a product or service that they do not want.

Why Do I still Have to Pay So Much?

There are just as many, if not more, commercials on cable channels than there are on network TV.  Why then, am I paying so much?  If you don’t think the cable TV people are making a killing, I will ask you to list exactly how many ESPN channels there are now.  They have so much money they decided to broadcast in other languages.  Fox News just started up a business channel.  It takes money to start a new channel.  If you thought the oil companies were making a killing with profits, take a look at cable channels.  They still make plenty of dough after paying extremely overpaid actors and other TV personalities.  We need to have a cable boycott, but it is just so hard.  Especially with football season around the corner.  Maybe I will stick it to the man next year, after I pay a boatload of money for idiotic channels I don’t want, like MTV.

Proposal

I was getting about 72 channels before, for $54 a month that comes out to $1.33 a month for one channel.  I will gladly pay $2 a month per channel for what I want.  That’s an extra 67 cents a month per channel, if you can’t do the math.  Then I can pay my $24 and have what I want, while the fat cats get fatter.

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Politically Correct but Factually Incorrect

As I was watching a little Olympic swimming for the 2004 Athens games, I saw a race in which Malia Metella from France was racing.  The announcer said that if she got a medal in the race, she would be the first “African-American” woman to win a medal in Olympic swimming.  I had to laugh at that one.  If you need a minute to think about it take it now.

…( 1 Minute Later)…

Not only is she not from Africa, (which is what many people cite as a reason to not like the phrase) she is not American.  Now I need to know how I can address “non-American African-Americans” so as to not offend the daylights out of them.

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Free Hugs?!?!?

Here is a video, you’ve probably seen, of a guy inspiring people to hug each other. (cont. below)

At first I thought he was just an extremely clever pick-pocket.  But then I realized he is actually trying to get one of his friends out of prison.  Who is Hugs? What did he do to get incarcerated? Why should he be freed? If this video would answer these questions maybe I would consider helping him get Hugs out of jail.

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UnGreased Lightning

This slo-mo video is really cool.  I can’t stop watching it.  I once had a long standing argument with a friend about whether or not lightning came from the ground or the clouds.  I said that I knew it could come from the ground but more often was from the cloud to the ground and he said it was from the ground only.  This video further solidifies my argument.