I saw an ad on TV the other day for a Captain Morgan Pose contest. This is my entry. I think it is a real winner. “He’s got a little Captain in him”
Too bad the prize is going to a party with a bunch of idiots.
Best Name Ever
A couple of years back I went to my brothers high school graduation. I was going to just catch the early part of the alphabet and go home after seeing my brother graduate. My plan was interrupted when I perused the program and saw the most wonderful name I have ever beheld. It was located in the “L” section. I thought to myself, “There is no way that this is real. No one would do something this cool.” As we got closer to the “L’s”, I grew ever more excited. And then, it happened. That’s right, I watched as “First Middle Last” received a high school diploma. I count myself lucky to have been a witness to such a fine moment in name history.
Best Name Ever
A couple of years back I went to my brothers high school graduation. I was going to just catch the early part of the alphabet and go home after seeing my brother graduate. My plan was interrupted when I perused the program and saw the most wonderful name I have ever beheld. It was located in the “L” section. I thought to myself, “There is no way that this is real. No one would do something this cool.” As we got closer to the “L’s”, I grew ever more excited. And then, it happened. That’s right, I watched as “First Middle Last” received a high school diploma. I count myself lucky to have been a witness to such a fine moment in name history.
Worst Talk Show Guests
Every now and then I get the hankering for some mindless celebrity chat. I, of course, turn to late night talk shows. Most of the interviews are very contrived and standard issue boring. But every once in a while someone will step it up and make me want to watch infomercials or even read a book.
Continue reading “Worst Talk Show Guests”Worst Talk Show Guests
Every now and then I get the hankering for some mindless celebrity chat. I, of course, turn to late night talk shows. Most of the interviews are very contrived and standard issue boring. But every once in a while someone will step it up and make me want to watch infomercials or even read a book.
Don’t misunderstand me with this list I do not want anything bad to happen to those on this list. I simply do not like them as talk show guests.
Howard Stern
Anytime he is going to be on just go ahead and turn off the TV. He will come out and try to “push the envelope” or do something “edgy” which will just be stupid and annoying.
Howard: “Alright Conan, tonight I want to do my interview while I am in a bathroom stall pinching a loaf. Just get a camera and a mic in there and we are set.”
He is a prime example of not being creative and just trying to do things to get attention.
Don Rickles
Not only is his brand of comedy annoying but just watching him try to converse with people is painful. He is always too busy trying to think of how to insult someone to be funny.
Don: “Hey Jay, guess what.”
Jay: “What Don?”
Don: “You have a big chin. Doesn’t he have a big chin folks? Hahahahahahahahahahaha”
That joke was fantastic.
Dana Carvey
We all pretty much know that the interviews are completely rigged and set up to allow a person to seem more entertaining than they are. But it seems so much worse with this guy. It’s like he sat down with Mr. Letterman beforehand and told him to ask completely random questions at given times, with no clear segue, so he could appear to be spontaneously hilarious.
Dana: “OK Dave, after we talk about kids I want you to ask me about power buttons.”
Dave: “Power buttons?”
Dana: “Yeah power buttons, then I will do a little dance after I make a clever quip about power buttons.”
Animal Guests
Brutal. These zookeepers and other people that bring animals for the show are just boring and need to stop. “Oh, but it is so funny when the monkey climbs on Dave’s face.” Yeah we’ve seen it a billion times cause you never know what the animals are going to do. Woo Hoo, entertainment.
Children
Generally kids and child actors are just as bad as the animal segments. They are either very shy and don’t do or say much or they display the various early signs of whatever psychosis they are doomed to have later in life.
Elijah Wood
He is on my list for the sole reason that once I watched him tell Jay Leno that he once had breakfast in Italy, lunch in England and dinner in the USA. The whole story took up his entire segment and was one of the most pointless moments in celebrity banter history.
Robin Williams
A Robin Williams segment is 20 times more painful than a Dana Carvey segment because there is no plan, which means there is no planned end in sight. Robin will just come out and start spouting things in random accents. The interview will include a minimum of 15 special little dances and 5 impromptu skits.
Real Advice
This is the new diet trend that’s not sweeping the nation. So far it has helped me to lose about 30 pounds this year and save money, which I can now throw away on gasoline.
Extremely Basic Training
I got an email from a friend entitled “Why Iraq is Taking So Long” that had this video attached. Hopefully these fellas can now look back on this video and laugh with us. I can’t help but crack up when I watch this. Just pick one person and concentrate on them, then pick another and watch it again.
Continue reading “Extremely Basic Training”Extremely Basic Training
I got an email from a friend entitled “Why Iraq is Taking So Long” that had this video attached. Hopefully these fellas can now look back on this video and laugh with us. I can’t help but crack up when I watch this. Just pick one person and concentrate on them, then pick another and watch it again.
Current Schemes
I have high hopes of being able to change the world for the better and these are some more of my important revolutionary causes.
Continue reading “Current Schemes”Current Schemes
ATV’s on the street
I want to save more money on gas, but I am too lazy to keep a motorcycle or scooter balanced while riding. A four wheeler would be perfect. I once called a sheriff’s department to ask them why they aren’t street legal and how I could fix it and they said they didn’t know. I asked a lady at the DMV and she said they were too dangerous. I replied by telling her that motorcycles are just as unsafe if not more so. She was stumped as well. I imagine I would just need to put mirrors and lights on one. If anyone has definitive answers let me know.
Chunky Brownish Yellowish Gold
I just learned that something called ambergris is worth a lot of money. It is used in perfumes and junk like that. It is actually whale vomit. So my new plan was to buy a dingy and head out to sea with a boatload of Long John Silvers meals. It turns out it takes a few years to solidify though.
Computer Ink Ripoff
The last two times that I have gone to the store to buy printer ink refills I have just ended up buying a whole new printer because it was cheaper than the ink. Always look for deals on printers and compare them to the price of your ink.