List – Page 2 – Everyday Normal

January 22, 2010

10 Crimes Against Music

There are thousands of things that have happened in the world of music that have made many a good man sick to his stomach. These are 10 of the most vile and abhorrent offenses against music and all that is good and right with the world.

10. We are the World

I wanted to be specific so I chose one prime example of a cheesy celebrity sing-a-long, but there are many more painful examples of this. Anytime there is a problem in the world there will always be a long list of sappy celebrities to sing a song about it and make everything worse.

9. Carl Lewis Starts a Human Chain

A wonderful treat straight out of the 80’s. An Olympic athlete tries to unite mankind with the power of song and an old woman blowing bubbles at him in the weight room. Hilariously bad and definitely a crime against music.

8. Perfect Turd Music

This is one of the stupidest songs ever written. It will make anyone who likes actual music want to vomit. Some whiney buttmunch complaining about his Daddy. To quote the great Beavis, “Awww, is Daddy’s little girl gonna cry?”

7. Robert Plant is In The Mood

Wow. That is all I can say as I watch and see how the mighty singer of Led Zeppelin has fallen. Another of the tremendous atrocities against music that we get from the 80’s, this one seems to hurt more than others.

In The Mood – Robert Plant

6. Mariah Carey Tramps it up and Goes Crazy

She used to be that wholesome, very talented girl that anyone could respect. Then one day everything changed. Her voice seemed a lot less golden and she was nuts.

5. Coolio Rips Off Stevie Wonder Then Gets Upset With Weird Al

Coolio had a hit with “Gangsta’s Paradise” which was a rip off of Stevie Wonder’s “Pastime Paradise”. When Weird Al Yankovic did “Amish Paradise” Coolio was upset because he never gave permission. Coolio received royalties from the song, even though he stole it from Stevie Wonder.

Pastime Paradise – Stevie Wond…

Amish Paradise (Parody of “Gan…

4. Aerosmith Medley Featuring EVERYONE

Too many cooks in the kitchen. Unfortunately all that any of them know how to cook is reheated, day old macaroni and cheese.

3. Wish You Weren’t Durst

I wonder if he did this for the nookie. I would rather hear Gilbert Gottfried cover this song than to see it soiled in such a way.

2. St. Anger

This was the culmination of many years of Metallica not being Metallica. I cried when I realized they were gone for good. I could not believe that the same name that graced the cover of “Master of Puppets” was involved with this melee of pangy crap.

1. Jimmy Page Disgraces Kashmir

Not only were there horribly retarded lyrics involved but a really bad movie too. Why did Jimmy Page let Puff Daddy do this and not let Weird Al do a polka tribute to Zeppelin?

This list is by no means complete so feel free to let me know what I have missed.

October 19, 2009

Things I Want to See in a Movie

There are a few things that when watching a movie I really hope for. These things never seem to actually happen and I think it must be that the movie writers club has strict rules about going against the old standbys. So here are some solutions to some of the troubles with movies. If somebody rips these off, they owe me big royalties.

Bomb Drama

We’ve all seen it a badrillion times. The bomb is ticking and the wire must be cut. Well, just like me writing a class paper they have to wait for the last second. The tension is butter thick as the wire cutters head for the green, no wait, the red wire. The wire is cut after the clock reaches 00:01. Phew, that was close.

What I want, is to have someone find the bomb in time and defuse it with great ease and I want to see 32:48 left on the clock when it is done.

The Love Bet

Oh great, another dumb chick flick that you are obligated to watch because of your significant other. The boy makes a bet that he can hook up with a certain girl. He gets her to fall for him and oops, guess what, they actually fell in love. Awww isn’t that cute. But wait, she finds out about the dare and Prince Charming is in hot water. And I didn’t even see it coming.

What I want to see is when the girl finds out that he made the bet, she will laugh it off because she loves him. Then she will just tell people the cute little story about “how we met”.

Can’t We All Just Get Along?

When there is an investigation and the FBI or other federal investigators get called in, the local cops always complain about the feds helping out.

What I would like to see is the local law enforcement being appreciative of the help offered by the extra investigators.

That Stupid Song

I just wish chick flick trailers would stop using that “This Will Be” song. You know the one I am talking about. All the clips in the trailer are of people kissing, dancing or falling off of stuff and sometimes all three at the same time. And they all have the common thread of that annoying song. It is true that I only have to put up with it in movie trailers but it seems like there are 3 or 4 every year that do it. The better solution is to not make chick flicks, but I will be satiated with the discontinued use of that annoying song.

October 2, 2008

Top 5 Burgers

As someone who had burgers and Taco Bell embedded into their DNA as a child and who is a big fan of Hamburger Heart Bear, I can appreciate a solid performance from a burger. These are my top 5 burger joints in order.

5. Burger Master – (Tonopah Nevada)

If it was anyplace else it would be a standard struggling Mom and Pop establishment. But being in Tonopah made it the true burger master. Unfortunately they don’t do too much business because Tonopah is a small town and there is a McDonalds up the street. The McDonalds was disgusting and since there were only about 4 other places to eat in town Burger Master had the best burgers. My favorite thing was the Patty Melt. I often wonder if I hadn’t lived there but had only passed through and eaten there if it would have been as good. On taste alone In-N-Out might deserve my 5th spot but the Burger Master was there when I needed him.

4.Whataburger

If you have ever been to Texas or seen an episode of King of the Hill then you have been introduced to Whataburger even if only subliminally. I can’t really pinpoint exactly what it is that I like about Whataburger. They do have quality food, but most of my reason for putting them on the list has something to do with the enormous number of times that I have eaten there. Even if only for nostalgic purposes Whataburger makes number 4 on the list.

3. Red Robin

This is the only big-name, nationwide chain on my list. I really enjoy that they give you all you can eat fries and they do have more types of burgers than I ever thought someone could dream up.

2. BJ’s Drive-In – (Odessa Texas)

This is a little place with HUGE burgers. The Jr burger is still big. When I was a kid we would go there and one burger would feed 4 kids and feed us well. One would think that you might lose something in the taste department when focusing on making burgers bigger than your head, but they manage to be a quality and quantity kind of place.

1. Five Guys

I went to one of the original Five Guys in the Washington DC area and by the second bite I had placed their burgers at the top of my list. The burger was perfectly cooked and very well put together. It was like it had been made with love and cuddled before it was brought out. Even the cow must have led a good life. The cheese melts perfectly on the meat and the vegetables are actually still nice and cool because they haven’t been under a heat lamp. Find a Five Guys near you and go.

August 26, 2008

5 Things to Do if You Find Out You’re Dying

(Edit)After writing this I found this article here. So now I must post it today.(End Edit)

Everyone has to check out sometime. Some people get the rare warning before the reaper visits. Usually, he just does the “pop-in”. If this happens to you there are a few things that you need to make sure you do to finish off this life and prepare for the next.

5. Personal To-Do list

If you have been wanting to catch a monster truck rally before you died, but have never gotten around to it, now is probably the time to get that done. This item is the most common thing for people to break out if they find out they are dying soon. Bungee jumping, hang gliding and all sorts of things people would not normally do but decide to try before they die. You should do these before you get too close to your expiration date, as I am sure the guy who drags the floating seat behind his boat doesn’t want to have to cut your dead body out of his harness.

4. Get Organized

If you had written in your journal more often you wouldn’t have to scramble at the end to find a way for future generations to know what kind of person you were. Make sure you know where you are going to be buried and that the arrangements are in place. You could even watch as they make your headstone. Just try to resist having them put your favorite Barry Manilow lyrics on there. Getting things right will make sure that your family isn’t mad at you for making them clean up your mess. After all, since you never made it as a movie star or musician, (like the vast majority of us), no one but your family really cares that you are dying. And they are the only ones who will remember you in any way,

3. Find Your Roots

Since you will soon be hanging out with them, you might as well learn the names of your grandparents, great grandparents and others who have gone on before you. You may even take a trip to your family’s mother land. But, if you’re poor like me, you can just settle for a geography book or a wikipedia page. While your family is blubbering like a bunch of depressed babies on Earth, you are going to be partying it up with the thousands of people who have been rooting for you your whole life. You don’t want to create an awkward moment when you keep calling Uncle Carl, “Bill”.

2. Duh, Church

Your old family members are not the only ones waiting for you to kick the bucket that you should get acquainted with. There is also the Being that gave you your entire existence. Since you should have been doing good things your whole time anyway, you might want to come in once you have been frightened by the thought of dying. You should go apologize to the sweet old man you beat up in traffic last week and since the binge drinking has destroyed your liver and caused you to be in this whole dying mess, you may want to drop that too. If you are an atheist, then just do whatever you want in the place of this one. Then you can have a pleasant surprise waiting for you.

1. The Hospital

This one was inspired by the “100 Things to Do Before You Die”. My number one thing to do before I die is to go to the hospital and see if I can stop the death. It was a Smart Alec comment but makes sense. If you already know you are going to die it’s a good place to go to die, since they have a morgue right there in the basement. There is also an unusually high concentration of doctors hanging around hospitals and they may be able to help you be around for a bit longer. If you are excited to see your dead relatives then you can ignore this one altogether.

Dying doesn’t have to be as scary as we make it out to be. Most of us should think about doing these things to be ready on a regular basis, since we can go at any minute. But if you do find yourself in the situation of having a literal deadline, this list may come in handy. And remember, when you get down to the last minute it won’t be like in the movies when the doctor comes and tells you he switched up the lab results. You will die, so be ready.

July 11, 2008

Worst Talk Show Guests

Every now and then I get the hankering for some mindless celebrity chat. I, of course, turn to late night talk shows. Most of the interviews are very contrived and standard issue boring. But every once in a while someone will step it up and make me want to watch infomercials or even read a book.

Don’t misunderstand me with this list I do not want anything bad to happen to those on this list. I simply do not like them as talk show guests.

Howard Stern

Anytime he is going to be on just go ahead and turn off the TV. He will come out and try to “push the envelope” or do something “edgy” which will just be stupid and annoying.

Howard: “Alright Conan, tonight I want to do my interview while I am in a bathroom stall pinching a loaf. Just get a camera and a mic in there and we are set.”

He is a prime example of not being creative and just trying to do things to get attention.

Don Rickles

Not only is his brand of comedy annoying but just watching him try to converse with people is painful. He is always too busy trying to think of how to insult someone to be funny.

Don: “Hey Jay, guess what.”

Jay: “What Don?”

Don: “You have a big chin. Doesn’t he have a big chin folks? Hahahahahahahahahahaha”

That joke was fantastic.

Dana Carvey

We all pretty much know that the interviews are completely rigged and set up to allow a person to seem more entertaining than they are. But it seems so much worse with this guy. It’s like he sat down with Mr. Letterman beforehand and told him to ask completely random questions at given times, with no clear segue, so he could appear to be spontaneously hilarious.

Dana: “OK Dave, after we talk about kids I want you to ask me about power buttons.”

Dave: “Power buttons?”

Dana: “Yeah power buttons, then I will do a little dance after I make a clever quip about power buttons.”

Animal Guests

Brutal. These zookeepers and other people that bring animals for the show are just boring and need to stop. “Oh, but it is so funny when the monkey climbs on Dave’s face.” Yeah we’ve seen it a billion times cause you never know what the animals are going to do. Woo Hoo, entertainment.

Children

Generally kids and child actors are just as bad as the animal segments. They are either very shy and don’t do or say much or they display the various early signs of whatever psychosis they are doomed to have later in life.

Elijah Wood

He is on my list for the sole reason that once I watched him tell Jay Leno that he once had breakfast in Italy, lunch in England and dinner in the USA. The whole story took up his entire segment and was one of the most pointless moments in celebrity banter history.

Robin Williams

A Robin Williams segment is 20 times more painful than a Dana Carvey segment because there is no plan, which means there is no planned end in sight. Robin will just come out and start spouting things in random accents. The interview will include a minimum of 15 special little dances and 5 impromptu skits.

June 30, 2008

10 Worst Things About Summer for Adults

10. No 3 month break

Your whole life teachers and schools have trained you that summer was a time to not be required to be anywhere and to take it easy. Well guess what, they lied.

9. Baseball

Basketball has just ended and football won’t start up until fall. You are out of luck unless you like to watch baseball or golf. Personally those are both a little slow for my 21st century American attention span. Every 4 years you get the summer Olympics but let’s be straightforward, watching an hour of TV to see a 10 second race is pretty brutal too. The Olympics are best watched as a highlight reel but by the time they come around I am so starved to see people moving fast I will watch them in all their commercial glory.

8. Reruns

Personally I only watch a couple of shows at a time. So all the stupid reality TV shows they show in summer to act like they are showing new material are just brutal and if I want to see a rerun of anything I will just go to Hulu or ABC and watch it on my own schedule. (Side note: Has anyone else noticed that reality TV shows are just Game Shows with special locations?)

7. Worse Sunburns

As a kid you got to hang out in the sun all day. But now that you are older and sit behind that desk all day, when the sun hits your skin you will begin to sizzle like a vampire. It will hurt more and seem to last longer too.

6. Your kids are at home getting into your stuff

While you are stuck at work your children are at home and they are breaking into all of your prize possessions and destroying them. They will ruin computers, TVs, guitars or anything else you want to keep in good condition. No matter how tightly you lock it up they will find a way to get into it.

5. It is hot but you rarely get to cool off

Trips to the pool were a daily occurrence for me as a young man. Now I am lucky to get out once a summer. Now if you do get to the pool you have to watch and make sure that your children don’t drown, so you can’t really enjoy the full experience.

4. Summer treats will give you diabetes

Ice cream, Slurpees and Big Gulps used to be a staple of summer enjoyment. Now in your older age you have suddenly become more concerned about health and diet. As a youngster you would run around and burn off anything you threw into your body but now that you sit around all day you will have serious consequences if you indulge in the old ways.

3. Gas prices get higher

Taking a road trip will kill your bank account. This is a recent development of course, as I remember gas in 1998 was $0.72 a gallon for a while. In summer gas prices always go up as more people take road trips and now a trip that used to cost 10 dollars will cost 45.

2. You’ve seen all the summer movies before

When you were a kid, didn’t it seem like there were a lot more movies that you were excited to see? Now all you see are remakes of old movies you used to like that aren’t quite as well done but have nicer graphics. And how many superhero movies can you watch in one summer anyway?

1. Summer just isn’t special anymore. It just isn’t

If you can use your old person brain to recall the wonderful feelings you had for summer as a child. They are dead and gone aren’t they? All of the aforementioned factors added together with the fact that time gets faster and faster every year you live makes summer seem much less significant than it used to. By the time I reach my 30’s those feelings of yesteryear will be completely forgotten.