Category: Fiction

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Wasp Week pt. 4: Cartoon Bear

I was walking through the woods one day when I saw the biggest beehive I have ever seen. I had always wanted to taste honey straight from the hive and it looked like no one was home. I thought it was strange that I didn’t see one single bee around this beehive, but I decided that it was the perfect opportunity to fulfill my lifelong dream of tasting super-fresh honey.

I climbed up the tree that the hive was in and set myself on a branch by it. I reached over to try to figure out how to get inside it when I saw a bee come out of it. The bee headed straight for me and I slapped it out of the air. Then suddenly I could hear what I couldn’t hear a second before, it was the buzzing of what must have been thousands of bees. I decided that was a good time to get the heck out of Dodge. I quickly dropped out of the tree just as the hordes of bees emerged to protect their domicile. Once I hit the ground with a thud, I figured, “Hey, why not see what the absolute fastest I can run is? That sounds like fun.” As I started to run it felt like I wasn’t even moving, but my legs were just spinning in the air for a second. By the time the bees caught up with me I was moving at an extremely fast rate. I turned back for a split second to see how close they were and it appeared that they had gathered in a formation that looked like a cannon. The bees in the front retracted backwards and then quickly forward and when they did that, a large group of bees from the middle would blast towards my head. I had to tuck my head inside of my shirt to dodge them. I thought I had already reached maximum speed but when I saw them get ready for another shot I somehow increased my speed to about 4 times faster than it was before.

I knew I definitely could not keep up the pace for much longer and luckily I saw a nearby pond. I headed over to it and jumped in. Serendipitously I found a hollow reed that I could breathe through. When I put it above the surface the bees filed down the hole straight into my mouth. The surprise of this and the pain from having my tongue get stung, caused me to jump clear out of the pond. I took off running into the sunset with the bees flying behind me and lurching forward every second and a half to sting me which caused me to jump in the air and yelp in pain. It was a rough day.

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EMBARASSING MOMENT!!

First let me WARN you that i was HORRIBLE in english growing up. i have no idea how to properly punctuate and whatnot. I also tend to write like i talk which is considered a big NO NO in the English world. When i write i will go like whole paragraphs without using more than like two periods. Now let me set up the story of… MY MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT!!!! (also i must warn you i take sleeping pills regularly to help me sleep and it is close to my bedtime so i am feeling a little “out of it” which could make this interesting!!!!!)

The Set Up
I had got a paper route when i was going into my middle school year. It was just a couple of streets around the neighborhood i grew up in. my brother helped me out throwing papers. we only delivered about 60 papers. Because we wanted to keep the people happy we made sure to walk the paper to the doorstep. i have never been the most “active” person in the world so occasional i would stand at the bottom of hills and chuck the paper up hoping that it would land close enough to the porch. i also walked through peoples yard’s A LOT to get from house to house. There was this one house in particular that i can remember. I would throw the news paper on the doorstep and then to get to the next house i cut through their yard which had this BIG hill. well at least it seemed big to a little ol 7th grader. toward the end of the hill there was a chunk of ground missing from where there used to be a tree. from time to time i would either forget about the hole or be walking around still half dazed from waking up at 4am i would step in the hole and it would “trip” me. i can’t even remember how many times that sticking hole tripped me i lost count after 50. my most embarrassing moment happened on this hill….

I woke up it was a nice, bright, sunshiny, snowy, freezing, DARK morning. yes i realized i totally contradicted my self tons right there that is what makes it great… any who where was i before i was soo rudely interrupted…. oh yes… I had woke up and threw on some warm clothes so i could make the 100 ft. “trek” out ot the end of the driveway to get our newspapers for the day and as i was out there i noticed it had snowed… A LOT!!! i brought the bundle inside so i could start wrapping the papers. As i was Wrapping i was watching the weather channel waiting for the “local on the 8’s” weather forecast. it had said that it was negative 10 degrees out and negative 35 with windchill. I had finished wrapping my papers and got all bundled up. I had my coverall’s, my boots, my gloves, ski mask and scarf all on now it was time for the most important thing…. my official st. joseph news press paper carrying bag. as i put it on i had noticed how worn it was getting from all o fit’s “faithful” years with me. i noticed some stray strings hanging from the bag. I put it on loaded up and set off on my Important mission to bring the news to the masses. i got to the part of my route that i had told you about earlier… you remember the big hill with the hole… well i tried my best to slowly make my way down the hill but i started sliding a little. when i stopped i was happy that i was still standing. i took a couple steps and found the hole. when i fell i heard a loud SNAP. as i was laying on the ground i quickly sat up and started looking around to see “what it could’ve been that made that loud snapping sound.” I looked around and didn’t see anything. So i quickly hopped up to proceed when i noticed i fell right back to the ground. this puzzled me a bit and i tried again.. i hopped up but quickly fell again. upon closer evaluation i realized my left leg was missing. I looked around and found my leg still standing upright in the hole. As i scooted toward my leg i felt SOOOO EMBARRASSED!!!! i grabbed my leg and was wondering how i would ever be able to finish my paper route with only one leg. when then out of the corner of my eye i saw that loose string from my paper bag flapping in the wind. Suddenly a certain MacGyver instinct suddenly took over me. i reached into my coverall pockets and grabbed out the “buck” brand pocket knife given to me by a friend for a birthday present. using the knife i cut off a long piece of string from my bag. Then i took that piece of string and tied it to my knife and i slowly started “sewing” my leg back on. It took me about a half hour to get it all back on. but it worked as good as new and i have never had any problems with it… But i got gotta say that the time i stepped in the hole and snapped my leg clean off would have to be “hands down” the most embarrassing event in my life.