Category: Two Cents

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Say it First

I have spent a lot of time around manipulative and confrontational people and have noticed a few of their go-to weapons for different situations. One such weapon is to use a key phrase and use it quickly before the other person can say it. This is effective in frustrating the normal thought process and logic skills of the other person and elevating the discussion to an altercation. Here are three that are commonly heard:

“You can dish it out but you can’t take it”

If you can throw this statement at someone first you automatically make them look like someone who is getting their just desserts. They appear as though they have done great harm to many defenseless individuals and you appear to be the heroic avenger striking a blow for the little guy.

It must be noted that there actually are people who can dish it out and not take it, but the majority of uses for this phrase are not to honestly point out such individuals. Most uses are to make one person look better than another.

Best Defense: Remain calm and rational.

“You just have to get the last word. Don’t you?”

Sneaking this one in is a classic ploy used by those who no longer have any rebuttals for your points. The first person to say this will appear to be a person who is in control and does not need to have the last word. In reality the person to say this first really likes to have the last word.

Question: Who honestly cares who has a last word enough to point out that someone else wants the last word?
Answer: Someone who likes to have the last word.

By saying this first they are laying a trap for you. First of all, they usually end it with the question “Don’t you?” which automatically leaves a natural place for a response to the question, making you the person who is trying to have the last word. Just as with the first “Dish it out but can’t take it ” ploy, this statement actually takes two people out of a discussion about an issue and puts them into a discussion about something unrelated and stupid. Why, when discussing physics or dry erase boards, would we suddenly stop and talk about who wants the last word?

Best Defense: Say “Yes, I do have to have the last word.” Then return to the subject at hand. Or you can stoop to their level and accuse them of needing to have the next to last word. Then it gets really confusing and fun.

“You Never Call Me”

This is the one you will run into the most. This one comes from relatives and friends and is generally not geared towards stirring up drama like the first two are. Although I have experienced out-of-the-blue calls just to tell me that I haven’t called in a while. Saying this to someone first, once again, makes the recipient out to be the bad guy, it is your ticket to being the lonesome victim who has been neglected by an evil conversation miser.

The truth is that it takes two people to not contact each other. If you have not spoken to someone in months it is just as much your fault as it is theirs. This statement actually has the opposite effect than one might use it for. Let’s say I haven’t seen or talked to my cousin in a while and I want to see them more. I finally see them and what is the first thing I do when I see them? I accuse them and make them feel uncomfortable by using this statement. Hmmm, I wonder why they don’t call me.

Best Defense: Point out that your phone hasn’t exactly been ringing off the hook. Then if the other person doesn’t see the logic behind your statement, reach through the phone and slap them.

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Origin of a Joke

We have all heard it a million times. When anyone starts to use it we could all finish the rest of the story with out hearing another word. It was funny the first 20 or so times that I heard it but now it is kind of just there. I am talking about the joke that people tell about when they were younger. You know, the one that goes like this, “When I was a kid I walked to school in the snow, uphill, both ways.” I have never thought much about the origin of this saying until the other night. I was watching Bill Cosby’s stand up in “Bill Cosby Himself”.

I heard him speaking about his father and I knew when the line was coming. He threw it out there and he got a better reaction from the crowd than I thought he would. This led me to think, “Hmmm, I wonder if that was the first time that joke was ever told.” It got a larger reaction than I, or a crowd of a thousand of me would have given it. I am going to stake the claim that Bill Cosby was the man that invented the “uphill both ways” joke in 1983. I have no evidence to suggest that it ever existed before him.

If anyone has any solid evidence as to the origin of this joke bring it forth and we will get to the bottom of this.

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Naming Your Car

Naming a car is an essential thing to do. Most people just go with referring to their automobile with names like “The Honda”, “The Red Car” or “The Truck”. You can do better than that, people, come on. I just got rid of my 1994 Jeep Cherokee, aka “The Rhinosaur” and I have recently been thinking about names for vehicles.

When naming a vehicle it is important that you actually use the name. Thus the name should not be stupid. Do not name the car based on its color. This is very important. Unless the car has a very unusual paint job, do not use it’s color as the basis for it’s name. The best names come from experiences, non-color traits of the vehicle and things that you have heard elsewhere that can apply. My Rhinosaur was named after a Soundgarden song, but, not just simply after the song. The name Rhinosaur sounds tough and invokes the image of a huge beast ready to charge at you. The Rhinosaur had been in 2 tornadoes back in Texas and had been hit by a trampoline in one of them. The outside of the car was covered in dents and scratches. The engine was an inline six cylinder engine which made the car move faster than one would think it would. There was even a Texas Longhorn logo in the back window which adds to the charging beast thought. These things all lead me to think of rhinos or dinosaurs.

Next, resist the urge to name the car immediately when you get it. It is not like a boat that must have a name before it can head out to sea. Allow some time to have some experiences with the vehicle and learn how it handles and how it treats you. When a defining moment for a vehicle happens you will know it. I have had a Jeep Compass for a year or so now and haven’t really had a good name until the other day when it snowed like crazy. That thing zips right through the snow. I watched three Suburbans in a row try to get up a hill near my house while I waited on a side street. None of them made it and they all turned away back down to the bottom of the hill in shame. I headed up and made it to the top just fine. So I am heavily considering naming the vehicle after Balto, the lead dog in the last leg of the 1925 serum run to Nome. While waiting for a name to come to you, it is perfectly acceptable to have a temporary name or to just say, “it is not named yet”.

Multiple names can be allowed but no more than two. In high school I would drive around my family’s 15 seater Dodge Ram van. I saw Shaquille Oneal on TV one day showing off a van that he had put speakers in. He called it “The Van of Death”. I started calling our van “The Van of Social Death”. A short time later I caught part of some TV show starring Sinbad. He was going to have to get a van to haul kids around in and he didn’t want to be a mega van person. That’s when our van took the moniker “The MegaVan”. Every once in a while it would still be jokingly called the Van of Social Death and people knew what was being talked about.

Be sure to always be aware of what vehicles are called in your house or amongst your friends. Years after the MegaVan was stolen, and no doubt employed in the human smuggling trade, my mother made reference to a vehicle called “The Woolly Mammoth”. She was actually referring to the MegaVan. You cannot rename a vehicle that has been given a name that is in wide use amongst others. It just will not work, so don’t try. It is also disrespectful of those that have come up with the previous names. So be sure to know what the names are or you will almost surely commit a party foul. I think my younger siblings similarly renamed our Honda Civic Wagon from the name that I had previously given it, “The Millenium Falcon”. There is a great story behind that name that I will share in the near future.

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Most “In a Hurry” Drivers

In my travels throughout the United States I have noticed, as many of you may have, that the driving customs change from area to area. I am now in Northern Virginia for Christmas and I went to do a little shopping last weekend. On my way to the store I noticed a few annoying things such as everyone going, at the very least, 15 over the speed limit and the all too common left turn while I am trying to right turn coming from the other way.

I went into the store and grabbed a shopping cart. The best way to get a feel for the attitude of local drivers is to go to a crowded store and push a grocery cart around. This provides a microcosm for you to study their driving methods without getting killed. I have never been cut off by so many shopping carts in my life. As I moseyed through the store grabbing what I needed I thought I was moving at a good quick pace, but I found myself constantly getting cut off and pushed out of where I wanted to go at the last second. The driving study was highlighted by the moment that I was hit from behind by some short lady. As I was leaving the parking lot I even got squeezed out of my place in line to get out of there. I will say that I did get to where I wanted to go quickly and efficiently, my only problem was that I took a lot of heat from other drivers even though I was going above the posted speed limits. And luckily I did not get hit from behind by someone in a car. If you don’t mind getting tailgated and cut off then Northern Virginia up around the Washington DC area is for you.

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The Cowboys and My Moment of Vindication

When I was a young lad I liked the Dallas Cowboys. I remember running around pretending to be Danny White while wearing my Cowboys shirt and toughskin jeans. It was a good time for the Cowboys, right around the end of their 20 years of consecutive winning seasons under legendary coach Tom Landry. Tom Landry invented the 4-3 defense and the Flex defense. He had been the coach for the Cowboys since they had been a team and had helped them to become a great football team. When I think of football in the old days before the mid 80’s I think of the Cowboys, then the Packers, then the Bears. No other teams really stand out historically to me.

Well, come time for the 1989 season and the purchase of the team by one Jerry Jones, Landry was fired and Jimmy Johnson was put in as his replacement. There was no trial period or time to wind down Landry with Johnson as an assistant. Worst of all there was no recognition for anything Landry had done. Usually when a legend leaves the game they have special ceremonies and name something after them. Not with Jerry Jones at the helm. He just fired Landry and kicked him out, no class and total disrespect. The Cowboys then had some of their worst years and when newly recruited players came they picked back up and won a few Super Bowls.

Landry didn’t say anything bad about Jones. He didn’t seem to mind getting no recognition. He met with his players one last time two days after getting the ax and told them how much he would miss them. As he broke into tears his players gave him a standing ovation. Landry represented class and dignity.

In my senior year in high school, near the end of the nineties, I did a research paper on crime and violence in professional sports. Most of my material came from players on the Cowboys. There were a few rapists, some had been charged with assault and many had drug charges as well. I am not saying that if Landry had been there everyone would be perfect, I am just saying he kept it down and Jerry Jones seems to enjoy the problem players and welcome them. I have not liked the Cowboys since Jerry Jones became the owner and I will not like them until he is gone.

I received some support and a sort of vindication in my long standing position when I read this satirical article. It is funny and sad.

Tom Landry died in February of 2000.
Quotes:

* “When you want to win a game, you have to teach. When you lose a game, you have to learn.”
* “Leadership is a matter of having people look at you and gain confidence, seeing how you react. If you’re in control, they’re in control.”
* “Leadership is getting someone to do what they don’t want to do, to achieve what they want to achieve.”
* “If you don’t know if your shoes are tied, look at your shoes.”

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OJ in the Future

With OJ Simpson being sentenced today I thought this would be a good time for me to travel into the future to see what is in store for him. As I looked around the future I was shocked when I found a newspaper dated April 23, 2019. The newspaper relayed the following details:

OJ Simpson knew what he was doing when he held up those sports memorabilia dealers in the Las Vegas Hotel. He had previously mentioned that he was on the hunt for the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. He had tracked the killer to the Nevada State Penitentiary. Knowing that no one would believe him without good hard evidence, he decided to concoct a plan to land himself in prison where he could search out the real killer. After being incarcerated for a few months he had his eye on a powerful gang leader that everyone lovingly called “Extra Cheese”. OJ could not get close enough to him without getting through the gang gatekeeper “Tiny-Hands McStabby”. After befriending Tiny-Hands and Extra Cheese he would hang out in their cell with them and talk for hours. One day OJ noticed a slap bracelet on Extra Cheese that seemed familiar. He called his man on the outside, Kato Kaelin, and asked him to bring him some old photos by the prison. Sure enough Ron Goldman was wearing the slap bracelet in one of the photos. Now more convinced than ever he hatched another plan to get the evidence.

On the predesignated day he started a fight with one of his hotel hold-up buddies over who is the greatest running back of all time. The fight soon escalated into a full scale prison riot. In the confusion he spotted Extra Cheese across the cafeteria. He had the slap bracelet on and had something dangling out of his pocket. OJ hurdled across the cafeteria faster than he ever ran through the airport. He dove at Extra Cheese and snagged the bracelet and the item hanging from his pocket. To his surprise the item was a ziploc bag filled with Nicole’s blood stained hair with Extra Cheese’s and Tiny-Hands McStabby’s fingerprints all over. Suddenly it all came together. The gloves that wouldn’t fit made so much more sense now as the gloves had belonged to Tiny-Hands. This find infuriated Extra Cheese and his band of gangsters. OJ was going to have to pull out the greatest run of his life to get out of this one. He began to head towards a gate that was closing with his old legs pumping as fast as they could. A couple of guys jumped at him but he broke their tackles and proceeded onward. He made it to the gate just before it closed capturing Extra Cheese and Tiny-Hands on the other side with mayhem surrounding them. OJ made it to the warden’s office and presented him with the evidence. Unfortunately for OJ he never told the sports memorabilia dealers what his plan was because he wanted it to seem more real. He was not released from prison as he was still guilty of the crime he was in there for.

:Isn’t that amazing. I can’t wait until 2019 so everyone else can see it.

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Things That Should Be Done

1. Ultimate fighting isn’t really ultimate fighting. For that, you have to watch a war. They should instead call it “Pretty Rough Fighting”.

2. I like Lost. It is one of the few shows I watch. You should catch up on all the episodes then start watching the next to last season in January.

3. Axl Rose should calm down. And Dr. Pepper should have been prepared.

4. Later today you should be on itunes making a purchase. Well if it was any good you should be. The stuff Colbert does alone isn’t too bad.

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F

The F word. One must admit it is one of the ugliest words in the English language. It is used in all kinds of different situations and has multiple meanings. I must confess that in the most rare and perfectly timed instances I have found it’s use to be hilarious. Unfortunately a vast majority of it’s uses just come off as crude, uneducated and disrespectful. The origins of the word seem to fascinate many people and there are many differing versions.

I have heard a great many people tell the all too common little stories about how we got the F word into the English language. The first is that people would get permission from the king to have relations with each other and they would say that it was “Fornication Under Consent of the King”. The other popular one is that constables would arrest prostitutes and would book them using the acronym for “For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge”. Both of these stories are completely silly and are not true.

The word’s first recorded historical use was around the year 1500. Back then the word was also very controversial and no one would write it down to provide an explanation of where it came from. The best explanation I have heard is that the word comes from one of two words. The Dutch word fokken, which refers to breeding animals and the Swedish fokka which means pretty much just straight up “relations”. Don’t let anyone tell you one of those acronym stories and pass it off as the truth.

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Random Things

1. Can you believe that Guns n’ Roses is releasing Chinese Democracy after something like 14 years in the making?

2. As a result of number 1 you can get free Dr. Pepper.

3. BYU plays Utah tomorrow. (Go Cougars) My prediction is that the Utes win and I would like to see the score be 34-31 since that has been the final score in more BYU-Utah games than any other score. Remember to not be a jerk fan. Just have fun with a rivalry. There are too many idiots out there that actually hate other people because they like a different team.

4. I can’t decide whether to be scared or excited about an Arrested Development movie. No one from the cast has really done anything good since the show ended and usually people try to think bigger for the movie in writing and totally miss the original vibe of the tv show.

5. I want one of these for Christmas.

6. If I was a Governor of a state or President of these fine United States, I would only pardon a turkey if their case was questionable and still had some lingering reasonable doubt. Otherwise they are a delicious danger to society and should be killed.

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Public Service Announcement

As a public service I will proclaim another very important rule for life.

When it comes to money, if it sounds to good to be true, it is.

I have seen many people get suckered in by different schemes. “Oh I am getting a return at a huge interest rate for this thing I gave money to.” they’ll say. Or they try the secret shopper scam. Signing up for some company that will help you make cash after you buy a video tape or a membership from them is another one.

I once called to apply for a job that said I would be working retail for a sporting goods company. They scheduled me for an interview and I went in even though the whole thing seemed fishy. When I got there I found that 12 other people had been scheduled for an interview at the exact same time in the same room as me. A guy in a suit came into the room and began to cut through a boot with a knife. Then he started telling us all how great selling knives would be. Technically they had hunting knives, so it was sporting goods but it was not a real job. I saw that some of the people around me seemed to be getting excited about setting their own schedules and selling knives. I could not find that same excitement. When the guy stated how much money you could make selling knives after purchasing a video on how to set appointments I said, “Yeah right” to the people sitting next to me. I would throw out the random “Psshhht” or “Oh sure!!!” at a fairly low volume as he was speaking. Then I just got a really annoyed look on my face and folded my arms, shifting in my chair for a couple of minutes. The boot cutter then said, “Excuse me. Sir will you come outside with me?” I got up and went out. The guy then said, “I am guessing that you don’t really want to do this.” I said “Nope” then turned around and hurried off.

Don’t get scammed into doing something like what just happened to my brother, which also happened to this guy. Jobs pay you, not the other way around.