This is a classic video that everyone should see.
There are a lot of idiots out there.
I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE (oh wait…nope!)
The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines “STUPID” as – a: slow of mind b: given to unintelligent decisions or acts : acting in an unintelligent or careless manner c: lacking intelligence or reason.
Now if this were a multiple choice quiz on which definition correctly applies to the actions in this story the correct answer would be SECRET choice d: all of the above.
Back in High School there was a family that goes to our church who lives in Mound City. Every year they would get the city pool reserved so that whoever wanted to from our church could go there. We always had picnics and games and swimming of course. there was a park next to the pool and in the park there was a basketball court. I have never been very “active” in doing ANY kinds of sports, with the exception of the OCCASIONAL front yard football and baseball games that we played every once in while. My best friend back then and my VERY best friend to this day is named Carl. I love Carl to death and i mean no disrespect AT ALL when i say that Carl is a pretty BIG guy. Growing up I think he was about 300 pounds or so. Well Carl and I had finished eating and had wandered off and ended up on the basketball court. We found and basketball and just started shooting around. Have you ever seen that movie “Along Came Polly”? It has Ben Stiller, Jennifer Aniston, and Philip Seymore Hoffman. There is one part in the movie where Ben Stiller and Philip Seymore Hoffman are on a basketball court shooting around and Philip Seymore Hoffman keeps shooting the basketball thinking he is “THE MAN” but every time he shoots he misses… that is kinda what this was like. We kept shooting the basketball and missing like CRAZY!!! Well we stopped for a bit and Carl gets this BRIGHT idea in his head. Now one of Carl and I’s favorite movies growing up was the movie “BIO-DOME” with Pauly Shore and Stephan Baldwin. (i watch A LOT of movies and tend to relate things to movies if you couldn’t tell.) Well in the movie there are a couple parts when Pauly Shore needs to climb up to things and so he tells Stephan Baldwin to “TURN INTO A TABLE.” At which point Stephan Baldwin gets down on all fours and Pauly Shore climbs on his back. Well as we were standing there Carl says to me “Hey do you think I could dunk the ball if i jumped off your back? Quick TURN INTO A TABLE!!!” At this point of the story i would like to remind you of Carl’s weight!!! I looked at him like he was crazy and I said “NO WAY!!” so then he was like “Well how about if i turn into a table and you can try to dunk it.” Well APPARENTLY for some reason i thought this was a GREAT idea because i totally was going to try it. So Carl gets down on all fours and i climbed on his back with basketball in hand. Now i don’t know how many of you people reading this have ever tried to jump off of a fat man’s back so let me just say it doesn’t work AT ALL!!! When I tried to push off of his back with my feet to get some “air” all that really happened is my foot ROLLED off of his “back fat”. As i was falling Carl dove out of the way so i wouldn’t fall on him. As i was laying there on the ground in pain Carl walks over and says “Man, you think you got it bad, my back hurts!!” By this time one of the church members who saw the whole thing had run over to check to make sure everyone was okay. After we told him we were okay I had only 2 questions for him. Question #1 “Did I make the dunk before i fell?” He told me that i didn’t. So the other question i HAD to ask. Question #2 “Did it at least look cool when I did that?” I don’t know if he was just trying to be nice or if I did really look cool but he did tell us it looked pretty cool. So that made it ALL worth it!!!!! The life lesson i learned that day is “It is okay to do stupid things as long as you look cool doing them!!!!”
* To see the part of Along Came Polly I am talking about go to this website.
Be Prepared
I have tried to tell people about the importance of being ready for things like zombie outbreaks and widespread destruction. I am glad to see that others share my concern for the future generation and their ability to cope with the societal disintegration and mind-tearing despair that awaits them.
Hearing Test
When I went to this site and played the 20kHz and it felt like a dentist was drilling on my soul. That’s pretty funny that they use the tone to keep teenagers away. If only I could have had such a device in high school. That is the last one I could hear.
EMBARASSING MOMENT!!
First let me WARN you that i was HORRIBLE in english growing up. i have no idea how to properly punctuate and whatnot. I also tend to write like i talk which is considered a big NO NO in the English world. When i write i will go like whole paragraphs without using more than like two periods. Now let me set up the story of… MY MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT!!!! (also i must warn you i take sleeping pills regularly to help me sleep and it is close to my bedtime so i am feeling a little “out of it” which could make this interesting!!!!!)
The Set Up
I had got a paper route when i was going into my middle school year. It was just a couple of streets around the neighborhood i grew up in. my brother helped me out throwing papers. we only delivered about 60 papers. Because we wanted to keep the people happy we made sure to walk the paper to the doorstep. i have never been the most “active” person in the world so occasional i would stand at the bottom of hills and chuck the paper up hoping that it would land close enough to the porch. i also walked through peoples yard’s A LOT to get from house to house. There was this one house in particular that i can remember. I would throw the news paper on the doorstep and then to get to the next house i cut through their yard which had this BIG hill. well at least it seemed big to a little ol 7th grader. toward the end of the hill there was a chunk of ground missing from where there used to be a tree. from time to time i would either forget about the hole or be walking around still half dazed from waking up at 4am i would step in the hole and it would “trip” me. i can’t even remember how many times that sticking hole tripped me i lost count after 50. my most embarrassing moment happened on this hill….
I woke up it was a nice, bright, sunshiny, snowy, freezing, DARK morning. yes i realized i totally contradicted my self tons right there that is what makes it great… any who where was i before i was soo rudely interrupted…. oh yes… I had woke up and threw on some warm clothes so i could make the 100 ft. “trek” out ot the end of the driveway to get our newspapers for the day and as i was out there i noticed it had snowed… A LOT!!! i brought the bundle inside so i could start wrapping the papers. As i was Wrapping i was watching the weather channel waiting for the “local on the 8’s” weather forecast. it had said that it was negative 10 degrees out and negative 35 with windchill. I had finished wrapping my papers and got all bundled up. I had my coverall’s, my boots, my gloves, ski mask and scarf all on now it was time for the most important thing…. my official st. joseph news press paper carrying bag. as i put it on i had noticed how worn it was getting from all o fit’s “faithful” years with me. i noticed some stray strings hanging from the bag. I put it on loaded up and set off on my Important mission to bring the news to the masses. i got to the part of my route that i had told you about earlier… you remember the big hill with the hole… well i tried my best to slowly make my way down the hill but i started sliding a little. when i stopped i was happy that i was still standing. i took a couple steps and found the hole. when i fell i heard a loud SNAP. as i was laying on the ground i quickly sat up and started looking around to see “what it could’ve been that made that loud snapping sound.” I looked around and didn’t see anything. So i quickly hopped up to proceed when i noticed i fell right back to the ground. this puzzled me a bit and i tried again.. i hopped up but quickly fell again. upon closer evaluation i realized my left leg was missing. I looked around and found my leg still standing upright in the hole. As i scooted toward my leg i felt SOOOO EMBARRASSED!!!! i grabbed my leg and was wondering how i would ever be able to finish my paper route with only one leg. when then out of the corner of my eye i saw that loose string from my paper bag flapping in the wind. Suddenly a certain MacGyver instinct suddenly took over me. i reached into my coverall pockets and grabbed out the “buck” brand pocket knife given to me by a friend for a birthday present. using the knife i cut off a long piece of string from my bag. Then i took that piece of string and tied it to my knife and i slowly started “sewing” my leg back on. It took me about a half hour to get it all back on. but it worked as good as new and i have never had any problems with it… But i got gotta say that the time i stepped in the hole and snapped my leg clean off would have to be “hands down” the most embarrassing event in my life.
Awards
I hate awards shows with a passion. It is like watching an entire industry give itself a big pat on the back or pleasure itself in some other way. Plus the fact that one movie or album gets proclaimed the best doesn’t mean anything to me. I usually hate what was picked anyway. I can’t understand why anyone wants to watch awards shows. The bad jokes, the political jabs and all the pretentious movies/music and millionaires; it is just too much for me to handle. Isn’t it award enough to get paid millions of dollars for playing dress up on camera or acting like you are a musician? Do they really have to get a trophy too? Another thing that really really bothers me is when one of the winners gets up and says something like, “If you keep trying, anything is possible.” The fact is that anything is not possible. Let’s crunch some numbers. 7 billion people in the world, most of them would like to win the award that was just given out. They only give it out once a year which means that in the average lifespan of a person they will give out about 75 of them leaving us a few billion short. Clearly it is not possible. Sorry Kevin Garnett you were wrong. “Anything is Possible” is a much easier phrase to say when you have just won something that the other 6.8 billion people in the world will never win. The next time the kid at Taco Bell repeats my order properly I will proclaim, “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!!” just so I can proclaim it with joy in my lifetime. But who am I kidding, those screw-ups at Taco Bell won’t ever get it right.
I do wish that I could watch the Razzies on TV. And I wish they were hosted by celebrities and had all the bad jokes. It is just nice to see the worst in something proclaimed and given a trophy. Sadly it is still not possible for all of us to win Razzies. Check out all the winners/losers.
I am very happy to see that Indiana Jones won for worst remake, sequel, prequel or ripoff. Very rightly so.
I have no idea who won any of the Oscars. But I will tell you that my “Movie of the Year Award” is split between “Iron Man” and “The Dark Knight”.
A New Contributor
I know that you have enjoyed hearing my stories more than anything you have ever done in your life; it’s been real pleasant for me too. Now I want to hear some other people’s best stuff. I enjoy hearing what other people have done and how they have felt during certain situations.
I have talked to my good old friend Todd Pail and he has some material and the desire to chronicle his own wisdom. He is also one of the most hilarious people I have ever been around and I know he’s got good stuff because I was there for a lot of crazy stuff. Now when he lets you down you can have a riot at your computer desk.
I must confess that Todd Pail is not his real name it is his superhero secret identity. And here and now I will tell you that he is actually Bucketman.
INTERVIEWER: Bucketman, what is your superpower? What can you do with a bucket of Justice?
BUCKETMAN: You roll the bucket, and then you go get it.
Oh yeah, and his real real name is Brandon. So be on the lookout in the near future.
Kongregate
If you ever have time to waste just go to Kongregate they have a ton of games and I am sure you can find something you can get hooked on. Just be sure to set a timer to tell you when you must stop or you will get lost forever. I recently got lost playing Bubble Tanks.
Bad Luck With Scooters
When I was a kid we would visit my grandparents every year or so. They always had a lot of really old toys around for everyone to play with. The hot ticket items that everyone wanted to play with were the scooters. We would ride them down the sidewalk in front of the house or around the sidewalks in the park behind the house. When I was about 13 I realized that I didn’t like playing on the scooters and I took stock of exactly why. I came up with many examples of why I should never play on Grandma’s death scoots again. I also figured out that scooters had been bad luck for me in general, but especially at Grandma’s house.
3 or 4 years old – I was sitting on one of the scooters when it slipped out from under me sending my head towards the pavement. My head started bleeding like crazy and I had to have stitches.
8 years old – Riding a scooter in the back yard my brother threw some rocks in front of it and jammed up the wheels. My hands remained on the handle bars leaving my front tooth to try to catch my fall. No more front tooth.
9 years old – Riding scooters and skateboards down a sidewalk on a hill in the park behind Grandma’s house. My brother and I were sharing the one skateboard that hadn’t been taken to the front yard. I went down the hill and crashed into a fence. The chain link fence stabbed into my ankle and If I tried to pull my foot it hurt like crazy. I wasn’t strong enough to pull it out with my bare hands. The skateboard was a few feet away from me and I thought I could slip it under the fence and get my foot out. I asked my brother to hand it to me but he took it and ran to the front of the house because he didn’t want to share it with me. It felt like a couple of hours that I was stuck under the fence bleeding on the pavement but it was really probably 20 minutes. My cousin had the other skateboard and he came out and we used the skateboard to pry up while we pulled the fence out of my leg and my leg out from under the fence.
11 years old – Riding in the front of the house I fell off the scooter and landed on my wrist folding it up under my body.
12 years old – Riding in the park fell off scooter and ripped off my fingernail.
In addition to the above I also had countless jammed fingers, skinned knees and gravel filled hands.
I was either extremely bad at riding on things or very unlucky. If I was bad at it I didn’t want to try to get better. I have watched a great many other kids wipe out extremely hard on scooters and it has only deepened my hatred for them. And those two wheeled “Razor” things, well I have officially named them “Death Scoots” and will never ride one as I believe it will be the end of my existence.
Isn’t That Cute
Just perusing the internets and I found this video of a little girl. I think she should get a regular spot on the tonight show doing story time.
My favorite line:
“I am weird.”
I know Whipple likes Kittens.