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Pssst, You Look Stupid (FauxHawk)

Many people choose to follow trends that will make them look back in a few years and hopefully feel embarrassed that they were so dumb. We need to help such individuals out by pointing out to them that they look stupid. It may seem negative but it is actually done out of love. Plus it’s a joke.

The FauxHawkfauxhawk

What You Are Saying:
“I want to show that I am a cool ‘rocker’ type who doesn’t care about what people think. But I don’t have the guts to go all the way and shave the sides of my head.”

Makes People Think of:
Someone sitting on the top of your head and squeezing their cheeks when they stand up.

Insulted Person Says to Me:
“Sorry we can’t all have a ‘normal’ hairdo or don’t want to shave the sides of our heads.”

My Reply:
“Apology NOT accepted!!!!!”

Currently Rolling Over In Grave(s):
Mr. T
The Last of the Mohicans

You are welcome.

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Album Recommendation – Thornley “Tiny Pictures”

One day back in 1997 I was driving along listening to the radio. Suddenly a song came on that shocked and amazed me. The song had big, blasting power and lots of stuff that guitar people love. It even had a hoedown section. I was thoroughly impressed and was preparing myself for the torture that would come as I tried to find out the song and band name. To my surprise, the DJ actually came on after the song ended and said that it was “The Oaf” by “Big Wreck”. It just so happened that I was on my way to Circuit City. When I got there, I believe it was fate that the music video for “The Oaf” was playing on the televisions. I decided to “go blind” on an album purchase and get “In Loving Memory Of…”. Going blind on an album is often dangerous and can leave you with a really bad album on your hands that only has one song that you like or liked at one point. In the modern era of itunes and such it is a near impossibility to go blind on an album.

I bought the album and took it home for a listen. I got all situated for a good listening experience hoping to not be let down. The first song on the album was “The Oaf” so of course that was enjoyable. Then I went through the rest of the album and when it finished and I sat up having never felt so satisfied with a first listen of an album in my entire life. The main brain behind the operation of Big Wreck was a fellow named Ian Thornley. Big Wreck had another album come out four years after the first and then they split up.

Three years after the last Big Wreck album a friend told me that he heard something about Ian Thornley starting another band. I had to check it out and sure enough Thornley had an album out. This album was a good one but it felt very contrived and lacking in certain aspects to me. The layers and layers of guitars didn’t seem to be there and nothing really amazed me. Don’t get me wrong I liked it, but I felt like much of the songwriting and mixing was geared towards trying to fit in with a style that wasn’t natural for Ian Thornley.

Five years after that album (that’s right 5, cinco, V, FIVE) Mr. Thornley has finally got another album out. I listened to the first single on the website a few weeks ago and was a little frightened. I knew that Nick Raskulinecz was the Producer of the album and he had done a great job for the Foo Fighters, but the single I heard on the website sounded, to me, like it had been mixed by Kelly Clarkson. This made me frightened as February 10th approached.

I have major issues with Thornley’s stupid record company too. They are called 604 records and are based in Canada. First off, they have an amazing guitarist and songwriter and they make people wait 5 years between albums. Word on the street is that the songs have been written and ready to get out for 2 or 3 years at least. Next they have only released this new album in Canada. You can’t even get it on itunes in the US. Thirdly, I hate the band Nickelback and the company is owned by the singer. Fourth, I pre-ordered the album from the 604 website and I am pretty sure I was one of, if not, the first to order it. But I have not received it even though they said they were going to ship it a few days before it came out. Fifth, how hard can it be to print an album in vinyl? I love vinyl records and would really love a copy of this album in vinyl. The cover was done by famous Pink Floyd album designer Storm Thorgerson and who wouldn’t want a record sized piece of his artwork?

Since the album came out yesterday and I didn’t have it yet, I resorted to less than respectable means of getting it. Since I paid for it and am waiting for it, I figure I am covered. I listened to it and was not too let down and must state that I do like it. The first single, that I listened to on the website, has a different and better version on the album that sounds more Bachman Turner Overdrive than Kelly Clarkson. The rest of the songs are, for the most part very well written and mixed. Ian Thornley’s guitar mastery is fully on display in the album. It is filled with tons of little things that make guitar fans giddy. Many different fun instruments can be found throughout the album, such as mandolin, banjo, steel guitar and I think I even heard a banjolin in there too. Some low points of the album include the first track, which has some really bad lyrics and a ridiculous children’s choir and the ninth track which is nothing special. There are some moments that feel a little Nickelbackish too, which adds to why I don’t give it a perfect ten, but Ian Thornley could make Michael Bolton material more appealing to me. As I continue to listen to it I think it may hold up with some of my favorite albums, but probably not top ten, or maybe even twenty. It is just so rare that an album comes out that I would recommend, so I recommend this one.

Listen to an overcompressed radio preview of it that sounds nowhere near as good as the album

or

Go Buy it and wait forever to get it.

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Standardization Will Save Us All

Gypsum board. Gyp board. 5/8ths board. Half board. Sheet rock. Dry wall.  As I began my job in construction I heard these terms used with great frequency.  Needless to say, I was confused and nervous that I was going to mess something up.  The term that I was familiar with was “dry wall”, so I kept thinking, “What is so special about sheet rock, that it deserves its own name? Why refer to this one as gypsum board?”  I quickly became annoyed as I learned that they were all the exact same thing (sometimes different sizes).  I then began to think about the incredible amount of things in this world that we have multiple names for and how much that bothers me. Let’s pick one name and simplify everything.

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Wisdom Teeth

When I was 19 I had to have a surgery to remove my wisdom teeth. I set up my appointment and pulled enough cash out of the bank to pay for it, hoping that I wouldn’t get mugged. My mother took me down to the surgeon’s office. They hooked me up to something through an IV and gave me gas as well. I remember the gas mask coming down and my mind was totally clear then I began to hear what sounded like cicadas and then I saw black for what felt like about 2 seconds. After the short blackness the nurse told me to stand up when I felt that I could. I immediately thought I could but didn’t try. I was very dizzy. I thought, “But they haven’t even taken my teeth out.” As I did get up and walk down the hall I felt like I was crooked and I knocked some pictures on the wall sideways. My mother took me outside and I leaned on a sign in front of the office with my arms crossed and my chin on my arms. I remember having a stupid smile on my face at that point then I stumbled into the car. Once in the car I passed out. When I came to, I was sitting at a Sonic Drive In with my mother and she was asking me something. I answered yes to her even though I was not clear on the question. After saying yes I magically had a strawberry float in my hands which I remember tasting like coins and cotton. Then I barely remember walking into the house and plopping on the couch. I fell asleep there wondering why they hadn’t operated on me.

After some time, I am not sure how much, I woke up without the haze and found my cheeks stuffed with bloody gauze pads. I threw them away and checked out the stitches in my mouth. I was blown away that the 2 seconds I couldn’t see anything was enough time for an operation. I had a burger for dinner that night and healed up pretty quickly without swelling.

When I saw this video it took me back to the haze for a second.

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Oh, Now the Truth Comes Out

One fine Saturday I was out with some friends hitting up shoe stores. I needed some new kicks for hooping it up with the youngsters. We wandered into one store where they must have been offering big bonuses for sales because we got swarmed by employees. It felt like being accosted by a mob of referees. I was wearing some old leather slip-on shoes. They were nice and scuffed; just the way I like them. I have a long standing dislike for shoe polish and I just like the way leather shoes look when they get old and worn out, so sue me.

One of the salesmen was pushing some special shoe polish. He went on about how you can put it on once and it would last for months. He explained that he used it himself and it made it so that he hardly ever had to polish his shoes. I didn’t really pay too much attention to his sales pitch as I was actually looking at basketball shoes. As I tried on shoes and such, this guy decided to do a demonstration. He quickly rubbed a streak across my shoe and then proudly declared, “Look at the difference. And you’ll hardly have to use much at all.” He looked up at me and found me glaring daggers at him as I said, “I like my shoes scratched up.” He hastily gathered his bottle and cloth, and as he stood up he said, “Oh, it’ll come right off. Don’t worry about that.” Luckily he was not telling the truth as he was pitching his product to us and it did come right off within a couple of days.

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Groundhog Day

Well Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his hole after a long night of rioting to celebrate a Steelers Victory in the Super Bowl and despite his blurred vision and killer headache, he saw his shadow, which means there will be six more weeks of winter.

When I was a kid I used to think they actually watched a groundhog come out of his hole and watched to see if he went back inside because he saw his shadow or if he stayed outside because he saw no shadow and the weather would be nice. My teachers at school led me to believe that there was some natural phenomenon that animals could sense future weather. When I watched the movie Groundhog Day it blew my whole reality apart. Some dufus pulls out the groundhog and talks to him. That hardly seems like the groundhog is actually predicting the weather. I did a little research and found out that, out of the last 110 or so years the groundhog has seen his shadow 97 times. A longer winter is good for many of the ski resorts in Pennsylvania and so of course the people there want to hear they are going to have a longer winter. I think the fix is in. I am going to get my own groundhog and every year on February 2nd I will set up a camera outside of the hole to see if it goes back inside. This will give me a better forecast for my local area and help avoid the corruption that is going on in Punxsutawney PA. It will also be great that I won’t have to watch the goofy weather people on all the local stations. After six weeks I will record if the prediction was correct.

P.S. Groundhog Day is one of the all time best movies.

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Millennium Falcon

One night I was driving our family’s 1988 Honda Civic Wagon, which at that moment was packed to the gills with people. There were a bunch of my friends as well as my brother and his friend. My brother was in the very back where there was no seat. A truck pulled up very close behind us and the next thing I knew was that they were opening their doors and getting out to head for us. As the car in front of me drove away I quickly pulled ahead. The people from the truck got back into the truck and followed us onto a larger busy street. I made a quick left turn, in front of a group of oncoming cars, off of the busy street onto a side street. (Yes we could have gotten out and beat the people up, but I have always enjoyed a good car chase.)The oncoming cars gave us a chance to put some distance between us and the truck. I made another quick right turn down a residential street and when we got near a place to turn off of that street, we saw the truck come onto the other end of the street. I turned left off of that street and then immediately left again down the alley for that street. I got about 40 yards down the alley, took my foot off the brake after stopping and turned off the lights. As we watched to see if the truck would turn behind us I said, “I feel like Han Solo hiding in the cave that was actually a giant worm.” We saw the truck drive by the end of the alley and all felt relieved. Someone said that my brother had flipped off the people in the truck from the very back of the car.

Just after this was proposed as the reason for the chase one of my friends yelled out, “They’re coming down the alley!!!” I took off as fast as a fully weighed down Honda Civic wagon could. About half way down the alley there was what appeared to be a turn for an intersecting alley. I took the right turn and was surprised to find us traveling through a city park. There was a house near the edge of the park and I headed straight for it in hopes that I could use the driveway. But the park was on the opposite side of the house from the driveway. The front yard for this home consisted of some diamond shaped openings for trees cut out of cobblestone. I ran over two of these diamonds and then headed for the curb. It seemed like the highest curb that had ever been crafted. As the Honda flew off of it I got a very sick feeling in my stomach as did everyone else in the car did I am sure. While in flight I thought of the scene in Ferris Bueller’s day off when the car attendants caught air in Cameron’s Father’s car with the Star Wars soundtrack playing over it. We hit the street with a loud crash and scrape followed by the sound of a muffler dragging on the ground.

We drove down the street a little and pulled over to inspect the damage. There really wasn’t any new damage. The muffler had never been properly attached as long as I had driven the car but rather, was held up from the ground by a rubber strap. I reattached the strap and we headed out. From then on, we called that car the Millennium Falcon and I would make Chewbacca noises randomly while driving.

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Say it First

I have spent a lot of time around manipulative and confrontational people and have noticed a few of their go-to weapons for different situations. One such weapon is to use a key phrase and use it quickly before the other person can say it. This is effective in frustrating the normal thought process and logic skills of the other person and elevating the discussion to an altercation. Here are three that are commonly heard:

“You can dish it out but you can’t take it”

If you can throw this statement at someone first you automatically make them look like someone who is getting their just desserts. They appear as though they have done great harm to many defenseless individuals and you appear to be the heroic avenger striking a blow for the little guy.

It must be noted that there actually are people who can dish it out and not take it, but the majority of uses for this phrase are not to honestly point out such individuals. Most uses are to make one person look better than another.

Best Defense: Remain calm and rational.

“You just have to get the last word. Don’t you?”

Sneaking this one in is a classic ploy used by those who no longer have any rebuttals for your points. The first person to say this will appear to be a person who is in control and does not need to have the last word. In reality the person to say this first really likes to have the last word.

Question: Who honestly cares who has a last word enough to point out that someone else wants the last word?
Answer: Someone who likes to have the last word.

By saying this first they are laying a trap for you. First of all, they usually end it with the question “Don’t you?” which automatically leaves a natural place for a response to the question, making you the person who is trying to have the last word. Just as with the first “Dish it out but can’t take it ” ploy, this statement actually takes two people out of a discussion about an issue and puts them into a discussion about something unrelated and stupid. Why, when discussing physics or dry erase boards, would we suddenly stop and talk about who wants the last word?

Best Defense: Say “Yes, I do have to have the last word.” Then return to the subject at hand. Or you can stoop to their level and accuse them of needing to have the next to last word. Then it gets really confusing and fun.

“You Never Call Me”

This is the one you will run into the most. This one comes from relatives and friends and is generally not geared towards stirring up drama like the first two are. Although I have experienced out-of-the-blue calls just to tell me that I haven’t called in a while. Saying this to someone first, once again, makes the recipient out to be the bad guy, it is your ticket to being the lonesome victim who has been neglected by an evil conversation miser.

The truth is that it takes two people to not contact each other. If you have not spoken to someone in months it is just as much your fault as it is theirs. This statement actually has the opposite effect than one might use it for. Let’s say I haven’t seen or talked to my cousin in a while and I want to see them more. I finally see them and what is the first thing I do when I see them? I accuse them and make them feel uncomfortable by using this statement. Hmmm, I wonder why they don’t call me.

Best Defense: Point out that your phone hasn’t exactly been ringing off the hook. Then if the other person doesn’t see the logic behind your statement, reach through the phone and slap them.