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Hobo Eats

A while ago there was a show called $40 a Day on the Food Network. Some goofy lady would go around and eat stuff in different places with the goal of spending $40 a day. Oh wow, $40 a day how will she survive? The show is obviously for the super-rich, elite people. $40 X 30 days = $1,200. $1,200 bucks a month is enough for the lowly people to pay for a house. I should have a show on the Food Network. I can’t think of a great name for it yet. “$7 a Day”, “Hobo Eats”, “Eating Garbage” or “Proletariat Dining”. These are the front runners right now.

I will go around to various places and try to spend as little money as possible; while still dining out. I will take a camera crew with me to recreate the time when myself and two of my friends spent all day at a Golden Corral buffet. We ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. We paid the price later with the strange things that Golden Corral does to your innards. But, it was technically food and it was under $7 a day. There is also the time that I plucked my lunch from neighborhood trees as I headed to school. Another time, I bought some questionable burritos for $0.50 a piece, from a woman who sells them from her car. When you buy questionable burritos from a regular brick and mortar establishment, you are paying for the unnecessary frills like health inspection fees and employee hand-soap. It is secrets like these that will make the show a huge hit. Imagine how entertaining and informative a show like that would be. I think I am the next Food Network Star.

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Urinal Quizzes

With the invention of the internet there came the ability to spread knowledge of how to behave at bathroom urinals. With games like Urinal Quiz one could learn about proper etiquette in the bathroom without having to be in the bathroom. Imagine the old days when an older, wiser man would take a young man into the bathroom to teach him how to pick urinals. They would watch others use the restroom and the young man would be quizzed about where to go. This was very uncomfortable for everyone involved.

One very important thing that a urinal quiz won’t teach you is what to do about troughs. Who wants to stand around peeing into a giant tub with other guys? This is not only wide open with no privacy, but the other guys may be splashers. So what do you do?

The correct answer is to go outside and urinate on the establishment that put in a trough.

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Join the Cause

For a few years now, myself and some of my friends have been trying to find a way to help one of the most helpless and downtrodden forms of life on Earth. It pains me to the core to see this life form trampled and killed on a daily basis with no regard for it’s feelings. I see it happen at sporting events and at schools. It happens at protests and rallies, family get-togethers and in everyday life. The constant barrage of carelessness and even purposeful destruction makes me sick to the core. If you haven’t figured it out by now I will tell you, this life form is grass. So small and fragile, so helpless and cut-down. Why can’t we leave the grass alone? It reaches for the sky and we just cut it right back down again.

If you ever see any large group of people on a patch of grass, like at a protest, you need to get your own sign that says, “Don’t Step On The Grass” or “Don’t Tread On Me” with a picture of helpless grass on it. I am organizing a protest now where we can let our voices be heard while we march around the concrete and fight for Gramineae Rights. We need to have some sit-ins to prevent people from mowing their lawns.

While I organize the details and alert the media as to where we will be, you can watch this video of some extremely uncaring individuals who are trampling grass left and right.

If you want to join the fight and help save trillions of lives let me know in the comments. I am actually serious about doing this protest with the news and everything.

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I’ll Take 3 of Them

While watching television you are bombarded with an extremely high number of commercials. If the commercials could be as entertaining as the shows it wouldn’t be a problem, but they rarely are. Most commercials are just plain dumb. You know what I am talking about. You’ve lived through it. I really wish that I could be the guy to come up with commercials for people. I know I could do a much better job than many of the people that are doing it nowadays. In the near future I will have a few posts about different kinds of commercials and how they bother me. I have already done one fake commercial mocking many tooth product commercials that claim to give you that “fresh from the dentist feeling”. More of that should be coming in the future too.

For now I am content to let you see what I think is the most effective commercial ever. I will also throw in some others from the great minds that came up with that one.

#1 Message Received

Extra Great Ones

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Bigfoot’s Roots

With all the recent hullabaloo surrounding Bigfoot, I thought I would let everyone know what the real story is.

A Sasquatch is very large, harry and elusive. To remain hidden for so long you must be very, very clever. It would take skills and possibly technology that are far beyond what we can come up with. One could even say that these skills could have been learned long ago, in a galaxy far away. That’s right, the Sasquatch race are descendants of Wookiees.

Think about it, any creature that can fix a hyperdrive can certainly avoid white trash with cameras. My guess is that they got tired of all the stupid fighting in their own galaxy and decided to plant themselves here on Earth. The only struggle they now have is avoiding crews from the Discovery Channel when they come by to shoot an hour long show about not seeing Bigfoot. I would bet that if someone finally did get too close to Bigfoot they would find a Wookiee Crossbow pointed right at them.

You may think, “Why don’t they want to be found?” I’ve got three words for you. George Lucas. If he finds any Wookiees living here on Earth, imagine the atrocities he could unleash on mankind. He already destroyed everyone’s childhood with a fourth Indiana Jones Movie and, of course, Episode 1, 2 and 3. If he finds real Wookiees he could do all kinds of sick, sadistic things. I bet he wants to branch out and ruin other great trilogies. He could make the Wookiees assist Marty McFly on an adventure through time that could take them back a long time ago, in that galaxy far away. “Who cares about 88 miles per hour Doc? We got light speed.” With all these horrendous things staring us in the face, I think it is best to leave Bigfoot alone.

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100 Percent Chance of Snow

I have a swamp cooler in my house and I hate it. Every summer I feel like I am trapped in a fat lady’s armpit. The swamp cooler makes it seem worse, because in my mind, if air is blowing it should cool me off. But it just feels like a giant blow drier. When I am in the broiling heat of summer, watching this video of my brother Jared makes me yearn for winter.

Then when it actually is winter, I kinda want summer back.

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Caricatures

I did these back in an art class where we had to find people from magazines to do caricatures of.


If you can’t tell they are Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chelsea Clinton.

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5 Things to Do if You Find Out You’re Dying

(Edit)After writing this I found this article here. So now I must post it today.(End Edit)

Everyone has to check out sometime. Some people get the rare warning before the reaper visits. Usually, he just does the “pop-in”. If this happens to you there are a few things that you need to make sure you do to finish off this life and prepare for the next.

5. Personal To-Do list

If you have been wanting to catch a monster truck rally before you died, but have never gotten around to it, now is probably the time to get that done.  This item is the most common thing for people to break out if they find out they are dying soon.  Bungee jumping, hang gliding and all sorts of things people would not normally do but decide to try before they die.  You should do these before you get too close to your expiration date, as I am sure the guy who drags the floating seat behind his boat doesn’t want to have to cut your dead body out of his harness.

4. Get Organized

If you had written in your journal more often you wouldn’t have to scramble at the end to find a way for future generations to know what kind of person you were.  Make sure you know where you are going to be buried and that the arrangements are in place.  You could even watch as they make your headstone.  Just try to resist having them put your favorite Barry Manilow lyrics on there. Getting things right will make sure that your family isn’t mad at you for making them clean up your mess. After all, since you never made it as a movie star or musician, (like the vast majority of us), no one but your family really cares that you are dying. And they are the only ones who will remember you in any way,

3. Find Your Roots

Since you will soon be hanging out with them, you might as well learn the names of your grandparents, great grandparents and others who have gone on before you.  You may even take a trip to your family’s mother land.  But, if you’re poor like me, you can just settle for a geography book or a wikipedia page.  While your family is blubbering like a bunch of depressed babies on Earth, you are going to be partying it up with the thousands of people who have been rooting for you your whole life.  You don’t want to create an awkward moment when you keep calling Uncle Carl, “Bill”.

2. Duh, Church

Your old family members are not the only ones waiting for you to kick the bucket that you should get acquainted with.  There is also the Being that gave you your entire existence.  Since you should have been doing good things your whole time anyway, you might want to come in once you have been frightened by the thought of dying.  You should go apologize to the sweet old man you beat up in traffic last week and since the binge drinking has destroyed your liver and caused you to be in this whole dying mess, you may want to drop that too.  If you are an atheist, then just do whatever you want in the place of this one.  Then you can have a pleasant surprise waiting for you.

1. The Hospital

This one was inspired by the “100 Things to Do Before You Die”. My number one thing to do before I die is to go to the hospital and see if I can stop the death. It was a Smart Alec comment but makes sense. If you already know you are going to die it’s a good place to go to die, since they have a morgue right there in the basement.  There is also an unusually high concentration of doctors hanging around hospitals and they may be able to help you be around for a bit longer.  If you are excited to see your dead relatives then you can ignore this one altogether.

Dying doesn’t have to be as scary as we make it out to be.  Most of us should think about doing these things to be ready on a regular basis, since we can go at any minute.  But if you do find yourself in the situation of having a literal deadline, this list may come in handy.  And remember, when you get down to the last minute it won’t be like in the movies when the doctor comes and tells you he switched up the lab results.  You will die, so be ready.