Everyday Normal

Every now and then I get the hankering for some mindless celebrity chat.  I, of course, turn to late night talk shows.  Most of the interviews are  very contrived and standard issue boring.  But every once in a while someone will step it up and make me want to watch infomercials or even read a book.

Don’t misunderstand me with this list I do not want anything bad to happen to those on this list. I simply do not like them as talk show guests.

Howard Stern

Anytime he is going to be on just go ahead and turn off the TV.  He will come out and try to “push the envelope” or do something “edgy” which will just be stupid and annoying.

Howard: “Alright Conan, tonight I want to do my interview while I am in a bathroom stall pinching a loaf.  Just get a camera and a mic in there and we are set.”

He is a prime example of not being creative and just trying to do things to get attention.

Don Rickles

Not only is his brand of comedy annoying but just watching him try to converse with people is painful.  He is always too busy trying to think of how to insult someone to be funny.

Don: “Hey Jay, guess what.”

Jay: “What Don?”

Don: “You have a big chin.  Doesn’t he have a big chin folks? Hahahahahahahahahahaha”

That joke was fantastic.

Dana Carvey

We all pretty much know that the interviews are completely rigged and set up to allow a person to seem more entertaining than they are.  But it seems so much worse with this guy. It’s like he sat down with Mr. Letterman beforehand and told him to ask completely random questions at given times, with no clear segue, so he could appear to be spontaneously hilarious.

Dana: “OK Dave, after we talk about kids I want you to ask me about power buttons.”

Dave: “Power buttons?”

Dana: “Yeah power buttons, then I will do a little dance after I make a clever quip about power buttons.”

Animal Guests

Brutal.  These zookeepers and other people that bring animals for the show are just boring and need to stop. “Oh, but it is so funny when the monkey climbs on Dave’s face.”  Yeah we’ve seen it a billion times cause you never know what the animals are going to do.  Woo Hoo, entertainment.

Children

Generally kids and child actors are just as bad as the animal segments.  They are either very shy and don’t do or say much or they display the various early signs of whatever psychosis they are doomed to have later in life.

Elijah Wood

He is on my list for the sole reason that once I watched him tell Jay Leno that he once had breakfast in Italy, lunch in England and dinner in the USA.  The whole story took up his entire segment and was one of the most pointless moments in celebrity banter history.

Robin Williams

A Robin Williams segment is 20 times more painful than a Dana Carvey segment because there is no plan, which means there is no planned end in sight.  Robin will just come out and start spouting things in random accents.  The interview will include a minimum of 15 special little dances and 5 impromptu skits.