Many people choose to follow trends that will make them look back in a few years and hopefully feel embarrassed that they were so dumb. We need to help such individuals out by pointing out to them that they look stupid. It may seem negative but it is actually done out of love. Plus it’s a joke.
The FauxHawk
What You Are Saying: “I want to show that I am a cool ‘rocker’ type who doesn’t care about what people think. But I don’t have the guts to go all the way and shave the sides of my head.”
Makes People Think of: Someone sitting on the top of your head and squeezing their cheeks when they stand up.
Insulted Person Says to Me: “Sorry we can’t all have a ‘normal’ hairdo or don’t want to shave the sides of our heads.”
My Reply: “Apology NOT accepted!!!!!”
Currently Rolling Over In Grave(s): Mr. T The Last of the Mohicans
Well Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his hole after a long night of rioting to celebrate a Steelers Victory in the Super Bowl and despite his blurred vision and killer headache, he saw his shadow, which means there will be six more weeks of winter.
When I was a kid I used to think they actually watched a groundhog come out of his hole and watched to see if he went back inside because he saw his shadow or if he stayed outside because he saw no shadow and the weather would be nice. My teachers at school led me to believe that there was some natural phenomenon that animals could sense future weather. When I watched the movie Groundhog Day it blew my whole reality apart. Some dufus pulls out the groundhog and talks to him. That hardly seems like the groundhog is actually predicting the weather. I did a little research and found out that, out of the last 110 or so years the groundhog has seen his shadow 97 times. A longer winter is good for many of the ski resorts in Pennsylvania and so of course the people there want to hear they are going to have a longer winter. I think the fix is in. I am going to get my own groundhog and every year on February 2nd I will set up a camera outside of the hole to see if it goes back inside. This will give me a better forecast for my local area and help avoid the corruption that is going on in Punxsutawney PA. It will also be great that I won’t have to watch the goofy weather people on all the local stations. After six weeks I will record if the prediction was correct.
P.S. Groundhog Day is one of the all time best movies.
When Jared was younger, in addition to keeping me awake at night, he would enjoy playing with fire. He started a fire in the garage, burned a good amount of money, started a giant tumble weed on fire under a power line and many, many more. One day I told him to hold his hands out in a cupping shape. Then I filled his hands with Off insect repellent. I took a lighter to it and told him to hold still. I had done this trick to myself and thought it was cool. The pool of spray would burn down to your hands and get warmer till the spray had burned off, then you just hold your hands on the floor and snuff out the fire. When I lit Jared up he flipped out. He jumped up and let the spray out of it’s pool and it ran down his arms a bit and all over the back of his hands. He ran around flailing his arms like a madman with fire blazing from his limbs. I grabbed a blanket and told him to run back to me. We put the blanket around his arms and stopped the fire. No harm done. He was shaken up for a while and nothing seemed to catch fire around our house after that. Jared did not fear fire at all and after the Off experience he had a respect for fire.
Let’s move forward a few years. Jared was now in high school and I was visiting my family. I was sitting in a chair when Jared came home from school. He ran through the front door very quickly and headed back to hide in the bathroom. As he passed me he said, “If any reporters or anything come to the door, they want to talk about a fire, tell them I am not here.” A couple of minutes later, lo and behold, some reporters found their way to our house with notepads and a couple of cameras. In my mind I thought, “Did Jared light the school on fire?” After the reporters had gone I went back to talk to Jared. He told me that he had been in Chemistry class when his teacher was teaching about chemicals and such, when something someone was using caught on fire and spread like, well, like a wildfire. There was one girl who was near to the flames who was engulfed. Jared said he got a hold of the emergency blanket and ran to her. He bundled her up and took her out of the class. When he got out of the class where everyone had run to, he saw another student named David who had taken his shirt off, because it caught fire, and was stomping around the hall cussing his head off. Jared left the girl and took the blanket back in to put out the fire. He told me that the fire had gotten pretty huge and he threw the blanket down on part of it, but it just swirled around the blanket and almost got him. He said the smoke was really unbearable and he decided to head out of there. (I seem to recall that he put out fires on other students as well.) When I saw Jared, he had no hair on his forearms and the hairs higher up his arm had curled ends. He said that he went to the football field house when the reporters came for him. He told the coaches to get rid of them. Then he bolted out of there to come home. He never took any recognition for what he had done. The guy named David that was cussing in the hallway was recognized as the hero of the incident for some reason. I think he was given some scholarship stuff and named as the honoree in some annual local award. I think he even got the key to the city. I have always wished that Jared had talked to the reporters. But I can’t say that I personally would have wanted any attention if I were in his shoes. It is easier to tell him to do it. Jared should have been in item number four on this list. I always thought Jared would be a firefighter or some kind of crocodile hunter. With this incident he pushed me more towards believing the former.
So now, almost a decade late, I give Jared a semi-public piece of recognition. He saved a girl’s life and took no credit. If you see him, shower him with praise. He is a hero.
Everyone should be aware of being aware. I tried the White team test a while ago and more recently found a mystery awareness test. Give them a try.
When I first did the top one I totally missed it and on the second one I only noticed one thing change and that is because it is slightly related to the top one.
As a public service I will proclaim another very important rule for life.
When it comes to money, if it sounds to good to be true, it is.
I have seen many people get suckered in by different schemes. “Oh I am getting a return at a huge interest rate for this thing I gave money to.” they’ll say. Or they try the secret shopper scam. Signing up for some company that will help you make cash after you buy a video tape or a membership from them is another one.
I once called to apply for a job that said I would be working retail for a sporting goods company. They scheduled me for an interview and I went in even though the whole thing seemed fishy. When I got there I found that 12 other people had been scheduled for an interview at the exact same time in the same room as me. A guy in a suit came into the room and began to cut through a boot with a knife. Then he started telling us all how great selling knives would be. Technically they had hunting knives, so it was sporting goods but it was not a real job. I saw that some of the people around me seemed to be getting excited about setting their own schedules and selling knives. I could not find that same excitement. When the guy stated how much money you could make selling knives after purchasing a video on how to set appointments I said, “Yeah right” to the people sitting next to me. I would throw out the random “Psshhht” or “Oh sure!!!” at a fairly low volume as he was speaking. Then I just got a really annoyed look on my face and folded my arms, shifting in my chair for a couple of minutes. The boot cutter then said, “Excuse me. Sir will you come outside with me?” I got up and went out. The guy then said, “I am guessing that you don’t really want to do this.” I said “Nope” then turned around and hurried off.
Don’t get scammed into doing something like what just happened to my brother, which also happened to this guy. Jobs pay you, not the other way around.
Treating people differently based on race, sex, religion or any other distinguishing characteristic is frowned upon by our society. In many cases it is actually illegal. With this in mind I would like to draw your attention to a blatant and unfair discrimination that is widely accepted.
As a 16 year old boy my mother threatened me with having to pay for my own car insurance. I called up a company looking for a quote and they told me that to be insured on an 8 year old Honda hatchback I would have to pay $128 a month. I talked to a 27 year old man that I knew who had a Fiero made in the same year as the Honda. He said he paid $16 a month for his insurance. I was stunned. I asked many people why I would be required to pay so much. The answer always came back that it was because I was male and under the age of 25. I hadn’t had an accident and had been a safe driver. The vast majority of accidents that I have seen or heard of have involved young girls in their teens or 20’s, but I was told that males under 25 had the highest number of accidents. That could still be true, but most of my experience has been otherwise. The real point is, what if insurance companies said, “Oh you’re Asian or Jewish or black and you have the highest chance of being in an accident so we will charge you more.” (I am not saying Asians, Jews or black people are bad drivers, they are just random examples.) That would not be a policy for very long if they tried it. So why can they get away with saying that males under 25 must pay more. It is discrimination and it is wrong. I could not control the fact that I was born a male and that I was born in a certain year. If I had caused an accident I could see my rate going up but not just for being a young man. I can also see the fact that they can choose to charge whatever they want as it is their business, but I still don’t like it.
Well, I don’t really have much to complain about as I really didn’t pay for insurance much before I was 25. My name is the same as my fathers so I was always listed on the insurance and I just didn’t have any on my red Cherokee for a few years which saved me a ton of cash. Now that I have a brand new Jeep I pay around $75 a month for two people to have full coverage. It is still a waste of money, as most insurance is, but it is a much better value for the waste.
There are some words and phrases that I want to say more, so I will put the list out there. Some of these are old quotes and phrases and some are newly made up.
Main Street
When someone is a solid citizen and takes care of their business. Ex. “That was pretty main street of you.” I am mostly mocking how much I have heard and been annoyed by the phrase in the last couple of weeks.
“I am terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.”
This is a classic quote from Ghostbusters that I need to say more.
“I celebrate his entire catalog.”
Another great quote from Office Space which was referring to Michael Bolton. If someone asks you what you think of someone you can say that you celebrate their entire catalog.
Wall Street
Acting selfishly without regard for anyone else. Ex. “That Michael Jordan is so wall street.”
Foolish
In the spirit of calling good bad and bad good here is another one to confuse past generations and make you feel more clever. When someone does a very good job. Ex. “Those are some foolish moves man.”
Congressional
Deceptive and confusing for the purpose of personal gain.
A while ago there was a show called $40 a Day on the Food Network. Some goofy lady would go around and eat stuff in different places with the goal of spending $40 a day. Oh wow, $40 a day how will she survive? The show is obviously for the super-rich, elite people. $40 X 30 days = $1,200. $1,200 bucks a month is enough for the lowly people to pay for a house. I should have a show on the Food Network. I can’t think of a great name for it yet. “$7 a Day”, “Hobo Eats”, “Eating Garbage” or “Proletariat Dining”. These are the front runners right now.
I will go around to various places and try to spend as little money as possible; while still dining out. I will take a camera crew with me to recreate the time when myself and two of my friends spent all day at a Golden Corral buffet. We ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. We paid the price later with the strange things that Golden Corral does to your innards. But, it was technically food and it was under $7 a day. There is also the time that I plucked my lunch from neighborhood trees as I headed to school. Another time, I bought some questionable burritos for $0.50 a piece, from a woman who sells them from her car. When you buy questionable burritos from a regular brick and mortar establishment, you are paying for the unnecessary frills like health inspection fees and employee hand-soap. It is secrets like these that will make the show a huge hit. Imagine how entertaining and informative a show like that would be. I think I am the next Food Network Star.
For a few years now, myself and some of my friends have been trying to find a way to help one of the most helpless and downtrodden forms of life on Earth. It pains me to the core to see this life form trampled and killed on a daily basis with no regard for it’s feelings. I see it happen at sporting events and at schools. It happens at protests and rallies, family get-togethers and in everyday life. The constant barrage of carelessness and even purposeful destruction makes me sick to the core. If you haven’t figured it out by now I will tell you, this life form is grass. So small and fragile, so helpless and cut-down. Why can’t we leave the grass alone? It reaches for the sky and we just cut it right back down again.
If you ever see any large group of people on a patch of grass, like at a protest, you need to get your own sign that says, “Don’t Step On The Grass” or “Don’t Tread On Me” with a picture of helpless grass on it. I am organizing a protest now where we can let our voices be heard while we march around the concrete and fight for Gramineae Rights. We need to have some sit-ins to prevent people from mowing their lawns.
While I organize the details and alert the media as to where we will be, you can watch this video of some extremely uncaring individuals who are trampling grass left and right.
If you want to join the fight and help save trillions of lives let me know in the comments. I am actually serious about doing this protest with the news and everything.
As an Eagle Scout I find it very helpful to “Be Prepared” for any situation that may arise. When looking at a place to live I check the usual things such as, “Are the showers low flow?”, “Are there any strange noises when I step anywhere or lean on something?”, and “Could a zombie easily access windows?”. I myself, have had zombie plans long before it was popular.
Step 1 – Prevent Zombie Entry
Right now I am renting the top part of a duplex which provides a pretty good zombie defense system. My back door has a rickety old stairway that I could fairly easily knock away from the house if I were to suddenly come under seige by the leagues of the undead. My front door will be blocked by several strategically placed pieces of furniture which will jam it shut against the stairway that leads up from it. With the doors properly defended the windows of the second story duplex now become a great asset. I can see what the gathering hordes of pale brain-eaters might be plotting or I can use them to assist me with step 2. If I were on a ground level floor I would need a lot more plywood to feel secure with my windows. Being so high up I only need to worry if Spud Webb is in my neighborhood and has been captured and converted. But let’s be realistic, Spud Webb would be the hero of such a situation and those rotten-fleshed ex-humans would never catch him.
Step 2 – Take the Offensive
The measures you take to kill zombies depend highly on which movies are correct in their mode of zombie execution. Some popular beliefs about how to send zombies to the afterlife include:
Cutting off their heads.
Blowing their brains out.
Burning them.
Some believe that you cannot stop them but would have to render their bodies useless, while avoiding the still moving limbs.
Killing them as you would a normal human is a popular choice too (Preferred).
In a dream scenario my gun toting brother would be at my house with his arsenal of weaponry when the zombies strike. But most likely I would have to craft my own means of destruction like MacGyver. When killing so many zombies you must be careful to watch how high the bodies are stacking so they don’t reach your window level, but other than that, happy killings.
Step 3 – Make an Escape
You must always come to the realization that you are running out of food, or that the zombies are slowly becoming more clever and will get you soon, which will be evidenced by the large human pyramid of zombies approaching your window. When this happens you have to make a break for it. Hopefully you have access to a car that can easily drive over masses of dead bodies, but you must make due with what you have. My garage is, unfortunately, not connected to my house so I would make the standard distraction while my loved ones and unbitten neighbors headed for my Jeep, armed with knives and broken mop handles. They would then drive under the part of the house that I am dangling from and I would drop on top of the car and kick zombies in their faces. We would then drive around looking for the nearest zombie-free military evacuation zone or the like.
Some Other Things to Keep in Mind
1. If the zombies are standard zombies then my plan is sufficient, but if they are zombies a la “I Am Legend” I am in huge trouble. The massive army of undead, super-fast spider men is a force to be reckoned with. Hats off to Will Smith, he made it a long time.
2. In the future I would really like to get a flame thrower extension put onto my house gas pipeline.
3. If perchance I am captured and bitten I could find that being a zombie is not so bad. Zombies have a strong sense of community and as a white American it would be nice to finally have a “Community” to belong to. I also recently started educating myself about zombies, so I am not so ignorant about them. Watch these videos and remove your bigotry.
