Tag: Fiction

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Wasp Week pt. 4: Cartoon Bear

I was walking through the woods one day when I saw the biggest beehive I have ever seen. I had always wanted to taste honey straight from the hive and it looked like no one was home. I thought it was strange that I didn’t see one single bee around this beehive, but I decided that it was the perfect opportunity to fulfill my lifelong dream of tasting super-fresh honey.

I climbed up the tree that the hive was in and set myself on a branch by it. I reached over to try to figure out how to get inside it when I saw a bee come out of it. The bee headed straight for me and I slapped it out of the air. Then suddenly I could hear what I couldn’t hear a second before, it was the buzzing of what must have been thousands of bees. I decided that was a good time to get the heck out of Dodge. I quickly dropped out of the tree just as the hordes of bees emerged to protect their domicile. Once I hit the ground with a thud, I figured, “Hey, why not see what the absolute fastest I can run is? That sounds like fun.” As I started to run it felt like I wasn’t even moving, but my legs were just spinning in the air for a second. By the time the bees caught up with me I was moving at an extremely fast rate. I turned back for a split second to see how close they were and it appeared that they had gathered in a formation that looked like a cannon. The bees in the front retracted backwards and then quickly forward and when they did that, a large group of bees from the middle would blast towards my head. I had to tuck my head inside of my shirt to dodge them. I thought I had already reached maximum speed but when I saw them get ready for another shot I somehow increased my speed to about 4 times faster than it was before.

I knew I definitely could not keep up the pace for much longer and luckily I saw a nearby pond. I headed over to it and jumped in. Serendipitously I found a hollow reed that I could breathe through. When I put it above the surface the bees filed down the hole straight into my mouth. The surprise of this and the pain from having my tongue get stung, caused me to jump clear out of the pond. I took off running into the sunset with the bees flying behind me and lurching forward every second and a half to sting me which caused me to jump in the air and yelp in pain. It was a rough day.

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OJ in the Future

With OJ Simpson being sentenced today I thought this would be a good time for me to travel into the future to see what is in store for him. As I looked around the future I was shocked when I found a newspaper dated April 23, 2019. The newspaper relayed the following details:

OJ Simpson knew what he was doing when he held up those sports memorabilia dealers in the Las Vegas Hotel. He had previously mentioned that he was on the hunt for the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. He had tracked the killer to the Nevada State Penitentiary. Knowing that no one would believe him without good hard evidence, he decided to concoct a plan to land himself in prison where he could search out the real killer. After being incarcerated for a few months he had his eye on a powerful gang leader that everyone lovingly called “Extra Cheese”. OJ could not get close enough to him without getting through the gang gatekeeper “Tiny-Hands McStabby”. After befriending Tiny-Hands and Extra Cheese he would hang out in their cell with them and talk for hours. One day OJ noticed a slap bracelet on Extra Cheese that seemed familiar. He called his man on the outside, Kato Kaelin, and asked him to bring him some old photos by the prison. Sure enough Ron Goldman was wearing the slap bracelet in one of the photos. Now more convinced than ever he hatched another plan to get the evidence.

On the predesignated day he started a fight with one of his hotel hold-up buddies over who is the greatest running back of all time. The fight soon escalated into a full scale prison riot. In the confusion he spotted Extra Cheese across the cafeteria. He had the slap bracelet on and had something dangling out of his pocket. OJ hurdled across the cafeteria faster than he ever ran through the airport. He dove at Extra Cheese and snagged the bracelet and the item hanging from his pocket. To his surprise the item was a ziploc bag filled with Nicole’s blood stained hair with Extra Cheese’s and Tiny-Hands McStabby’s fingerprints all over. Suddenly it all came together. The gloves that wouldn’t fit made so much more sense now as the gloves had belonged to Tiny-Hands. This find infuriated Extra Cheese and his band of gangsters. OJ was going to have to pull out the greatest run of his life to get out of this one. He began to head towards a gate that was closing with his old legs pumping as fast as they could. A couple of guys jumped at him but he broke their tackles and proceeded onward. He made it to the gate just before it closed capturing Extra Cheese and Tiny-Hands on the other side with mayhem surrounding them. OJ made it to the warden’s office and presented him with the evidence. Unfortunately for OJ he never told the sports memorabilia dealers what his plan was because he wanted it to seem more real. He was not released from prison as he was still guilty of the crime he was in there for.

:Isn’t that amazing. I can’t wait until 2019 so everyone else can see it.

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Bigfoot’s Roots

With all the recent hullabaloo surrounding Bigfoot, I thought I would let everyone know what the real story is.

A Sasquatch is very large, harry and elusive. To remain hidden for so long you must be very, very clever. It would take skills and possibly technology that are far beyond what we can come up with. One could even say that these skills could have been learned long ago, in a galaxy far away. That’s right, the Sasquatch race are descendants of Wookiees.

Think about it, any creature that can fix a hyperdrive can certainly avoid white trash with cameras. My guess is that they got tired of all the stupid fighting in their own galaxy and decided to plant themselves here on Earth. The only struggle they now have is avoiding crews from the Discovery Channel when they come by to shoot an hour long show about not seeing Bigfoot. I would bet that if someone finally did get too close to Bigfoot they would find a Wookiee Crossbow pointed right at them.

You may think, “Why don’t they want to be found?” I’ve got three words for you. George Lucas. If he finds any Wookiees living here on Earth, imagine the atrocities he could unleash on mankind. He already destroyed everyone’s childhood with a fourth Indiana Jones Movie and, of course, Episode 1, 2 and 3. If he finds real Wookiees he could do all kinds of sick, sadistic things. I bet he wants to branch out and ruin other great trilogies. He could make the Wookiees assist Marty McFly on an adventure through time that could take them back a long time ago, in that galaxy far away. “Who cares about 88 miles per hour Doc? We got light speed.” With all these horrendous things staring us in the face, I think it is best to leave Bigfoot alone.