Tag: Funny

When I was 19 I had to have a surgery to remove my wisdom teeth. I set up my appointment and pulled enough cash out of the bank to pay for it, hoping that I wouldn’t get mugged. My mother took me down to the surgeon’s office. They hooked me up to something through an IV and gave me gas as well. I remember the gas mask coming down and my mind was totally clear then I began to hear what sounded like cicadas and then I saw black for what felt like about 2 seconds. After the short blackness the nurse told me to stand up when I felt that I could. I immediately thought I could but didn’t try. I was very dizzy. I thought, “But they haven’t even taken my teeth out.” As I did get up and walk down the hall I felt like I was crooked and I knocked some pictures on the wall sideways. My mother took me outside and I leaned on a sign in front of the office with my arms crossed and my chin on my arms. I remember having a stupid smile on my face at that point then I stumbled into the car. Once in the car I passed out. When I came to, I was sitting at a Sonic Drive In with my mother and she was asking me something. I answered yes to her even though I was not clear on the question. After saying yes I magically had a strawberry float in my hands which I remember tasting like coins and cotton. Then I barely remember walking into the house and plopping on the couch. I fell asleep there wondering why they hadn’t operated on me.

After some time, I am not sure how much, I woke up without the haze and found my cheeks stuffed with bloody gauze pads. I threw them away and checked out the stitches in my mouth. I was blown away that the 2 seconds I couldn’t see anything was enough time for an operation. I had a burger for dinner that night and healed up pretty quickly without swelling.

When I saw this video it took me back to the haze for a second.

One fine Saturday I was out with some friends hitting up shoe stores. I needed some new kicks for hooping it up with the youngsters. We wandered into one store where they must have been offering big bonuses for sales because we got swarmed by employees. It felt like being accosted by a mob of referees. I was wearing some old leather slip-on shoes. They were nice and scuffed; just the way I like them. I have a long standing dislike for shoe polish and I just like the way leather shoes look when they get old and worn out, so sue me.

One of the salesmen was pushing some special shoe polish. He went on about how you can put it on once and it would last for months. He explained that he used it himself and it made it so that he hardly ever had to polish his shoes. I didn’t really pay too much attention to his sales pitch as I was actually looking at basketball shoes. As I tried on shoes and such, this guy decided to do a demonstration. He quickly rubbed a streak across my shoe and then proudly declared, “Look at the difference. And you’ll hardly have to use much at all.” He looked up at me and found me glaring daggers at him as I said, “I like my shoes scratched up.” He hastily gathered his bottle and cloth, and as he stood up he said, “Oh, it’ll come right off. Don’t worry about that.” Luckily he was not telling the truth as he was pitching his product to us and it did come right off within a couple of days.

One night I was driving our family’s 1988 Honda Civic Wagon, which at that moment was packed to the gills with people. There were a bunch of my friends as well as my brother and his friend. My brother was in the very back where there was no seat. A truck pulled up very close behind us and the next thing I knew was that they were opening their doors and getting out to head for us. As the car in front of me drove away I quickly pulled ahead. The people from the truck got back into the truck and followed us onto a larger busy street. I made a quick left turn, in front of a group of oncoming cars, off of the busy street onto a side street. (Yes we could have gotten out and beat the people up, but I have always enjoyed a good car chase.)The oncoming cars gave us a chance to put some distance between us and the truck. I made another quick right turn down a residential street and when we got near a place to turn off of that street, we saw the truck come onto the other end of the street. I turned left off of that street and then immediately left again down the alley for that street. I got about 40 yards down the alley, took my foot off the brake after stopping and turned off the lights. As we watched to see if the truck would turn behind us I said, “I feel like Han Solo hiding in the cave that was actually a giant worm.” We saw the truck drive by the end of the alley and all felt relieved. Someone said that my brother had flipped off the people in the truck from the very back of the car.

Just after this was proposed as the reason for the chase one of my friends yelled out, “They’re coming down the alley!!!” I took off as fast as a fully weighed down Honda Civic wagon could. About half way down the alley there was what appeared to be a turn for an intersecting alley. I took the right turn and was surprised to find us traveling through a city park. There was a house near the edge of the park and I headed straight for it in hopes that I could use the driveway. But the park was on the opposite side of the house from the driveway. The front yard for this home consisted of some diamond shaped openings for trees cut out of cobblestone. I ran over two of these diamonds and then headed for the curb. It seemed like the highest curb that had ever been crafted. As the Honda flew off of it I got a very sick feeling in my stomach as did everyone else in the car did I am sure. While in flight I thought of the scene in Ferris Bueller’s day off when the car attendants caught air in Cameron’s Father’s car with the Star Wars soundtrack playing over it. We hit the street with a loud crash and scrape followed by the sound of a muffler dragging on the ground.

We drove down the street a little and pulled over to inspect the damage. There really wasn’t any new damage. The muffler had never been properly attached as long as I had driven the car but rather, was held up from the ground by a rubber strap. I reattached the strap and we headed out. From then on, we called that car the Millennium Falcon and I would make Chewbacca noises randomly while driving.