You know how I like pictures of things that just seem a little off. Here are a couple more.
I keep picking on Chinese food establishments, but it’s because they give me so much ammo.
To me it looks like Grimace isn’t “Lovin it”
I Don’t Golf Anymore
I used to like to go golfing every now and then, but now, for me, it has lost its luster and any enjoyment that I may have once had is gone. This desire to hit a ball and then walk in the direction that it went didn’t slowly wither away, but rather was killed inside of me one day as I was starting a round with a friend. Come along and I will tell you the tale.
I wasn’t an extremely frequent golfer and as such, I did not see any real reason to purchase my own set of clubs. It would have been nice to have clubs that would work better for someone with a 6 foot 7 inch frame but I thought that borrowing a set of clubs from my friend was fine. He had one driver that was longer than the others which was my weapon of choice when whacking balls in various directions. For some reason, that I will not tell now, his long driver was missing on the day in question when I began this round with another friend.
I watched my friend tee off with great ease and then his brother-in-law, who came along with us, hit a good ball as well. I set up my ball and chose the longest driver that my friend had remaining in his bag when I borrowed it. I squared up and got in my usual not-so-confident stance. I felt like I was really bending over to reach the ball though. I reared back and swung a mighty swing. WHIFF!!! Nothing but air. Ouch, that’s embarrassing.
Oh well, it happens sometimes. I bent my knees a little more to really get down there and lined up for another shot. As I did this, two sweet old ladies pulled up behind us in their golf cart. I pulled back for my redemption shot and let her rip. I could have sworn that the ball went flying for about a mile, but when I looked down at my feet, there it was.
My friend and his brother-in-law had a good little laugh at that one and I think I heard one of the old ladies chuckle a little. At this moment I swore that I would not strike out. I tried to realign my chakra and calm down for a good solid hit. I swung again and missed.
Both of the old ladies laughed out loud at this miss which just encouraged my friend’s laughter more. After this I gave up on good form and control over where the ball goes. I decided, it was better to go after a stray ball than to look the fool again. I went down for a sloppy fourth swing and missed completely.
The laughter from the third miss had not died down yet and so only continued and grew louder with this fourth. I grew more frantic. I had to get that ball out of there so I could get away from these once sweet old ladies and away from the evil laughter.
With my heart rate raised and all my confidence crushed and murdered, I took an even more sloppy and hurried swing. It should be no surprise that I missed again a fifth time. Was I going to strike out twice? Through the roaring laughter I took a one armed swing which was once again errant.
I had struck out, not only once, but twice. For my seventh try I decided to settle down and maybe get a real hit in, but to no avail. Both of the old ladies had fallen out of their cart and were rolling on the ground with tears pouring from their eyes (At least I felt like they had.) I am certain that my friend and his brother-in-law really did have tears from laughing. It felt like I was at Def Comedy Jam but there were no comedians.
This was it, my eighth try. I was determined to not fail again. When you put your mind and will to it you can do anything. I pulled back and pushed all of the scorn and shame that I had felt down my arms to the end of the short club I was using. It swung like a wrecking ball towards a gigantic building that could not be missed. I was swinging for every starving child in the world, every abused woman and anyone who had ever been trodden down in this life. There was a special power in this swing that was going to solve all the world’s problems when it hit that little dimpled representation of all that is evil in this world. As you can tell, by the fact that you still have problems, I missed. I picked up the ball, threw it as far as I could and quickly walked away from the howling laughter and searing cackles.
I don’t golf anymore.
The Once Mighty Bears
I can’t decide if watching a bear rip something to shreds or watching him beg tourists by waving is better. I think a combination of the two would be really cool.
Imagine hiking through the woods and going around the bend in a trail to find a bear waving at you. You think “Well, this bear seems friendly.” Then the bear offers his massive paw for a handshake thus leading you to think, “Wow!! This bear knows the secret human handshake. He’s got to be trustworthy.” Then you go in to introduce yourself and WHAM!! He tears you to pieces.
Gaffigan
You gotta like Gaffigan.
Jumping Phase
As someone who was once a young boy I must say I am guilty as charged in this article.
It was an exciting time in life. Everything in the world was up. I had discovered that I could jump and actually touch things located higher than my usual reach. I must also bring attention to the fact that this stage also included, for me, the desire to brace my body between two walls in hallways and climb upward. This joyful and wondrous time came quickly to a close when I one day hit my head on the ceiling fan.
I saw two of my brothers fighting in the living room on the other side of the coffee table. In an effort to get to the other side of the table as quickly as possible to break up the fight, I jumped over the table which was below the fan. The fan was on and spinning at top speed and after my forehead hit the blade I fell to the ground hitting my head on the corner of the coffee table on the way down. This did break up the fight as my brothers were startled by all the ruckus and then began to laugh at me.
Company Policies #4 and 5
More from my time at CD Warehouse:
The next company policy was the “Hot Chick Discount”. When a good looking lady wandered into the store we found it necessary to insure that there would be a return visit. Hence there was a special discount. As long as we were still making money on the transaction we could discount away. Since the CD’s were used, and only cost us three or four dollars these ladies were getting a sweet deal. Now John demonstrated what not to do one day when his true love came into the store. Her name was Skylie and he was smitten. He gave her about sixty dollars in CD’s and only charged her two dollars. Then he didn’t even cash the check she wrote because it smelled like her. He was in love. She could bash his face in with a 2X4 and he would just be concerned that she might get slivers.
Another policy that my friend, Rob, and I came up with was the concept of $0. When people would bring in a big stack of CD’s to sell us we would tally up what we would pay and tell them the total. What we didn’t tell them is that we were taking some of the CD’s for free. Many of these CD’s ended up in the “Crap Bin” and then made it over to Hastings. If people ever wanted to know the price per CD we would act like we made a mistake and then actually pay them for the $0 CD’s. Most people didn’t care and didn’t want an itemized receipt so we drastically reduced what our inventory cost.
10 Cents
For videos that I make and put up on here I use revver which will pay for views on your videos. I just crossed the 10 cent barrier and to celebrate I am doing my first re-post of sorts. These are all my videos. Go ahead and pick your favorite and leave a comment about which one it is.
Johrack McBama
I really dislike how divided the U.S. gets every four years and how it lingers for the next 3.7 years then picks right back up. Good news, scientists have found a way to bring two people together in body and mind. They have devised the Voltron Solution.
They have used it to create a candidate that will really unite the people. Last night after the debate scientists kidnapped the candidates and made them drink the Voltron Solution and hold hands. The result is Johrack McBama. He is truly bi-partisan and will bring us all together (Unless, of course, like me, you don’t like either of the politicians that he is made up of).
Johrack McBama in 2008.
If this plan fails to unite us, the scientists plan on releasing their Voltron Solution into the water supply. Thus uniting the entire U.S. population into a massive evil-fighting robot.
Dry Ice Bombs
A few years back I was a huge fan of dry ice bombs. My friends and I would go around putting them in all kinds of strange places just for fun. The first time we did it, for some strange reason , we went to the local duck pond to set them off. We packed in the dry ice and threw the bottle out in to the pond. When we threw it we threw it to a clear area, but the ducks quickly gathered around the bottle. I guess if people are throwing things in the water it is usually bread. The ducks were hanging out around the bottle and we were waiting for it to explode. It seemed to take 20 minutes but it eventually blew sending ducks flapping and quacking in all directions. I still wonder how many we killed or if they all survived the blast.
We then went on to try several more things. We buried bombs in playground sandboxes and watched as they exploded with a muffled sound and sent dirt flying into the air. We got some helium balloons and floated them over peoples houses. We exploded the contents of a port-a-potty all over its walls. We would leave them on peoples doorsteps in the middle of the night.
This was all done pre-9/11 and I would hate to know what kind of huge massive trouble you could get in doing this after 2001. We almost got caught a couple of times. Once we were using hydrochloric acid bombs at a park late at night. We buried a 3 liter bomb under the sand and waited for a really long time. It never went off so my friend Rambo pulled it out of the sand and it was huge. It looked like it would hold 6 liters of fluid now. Rambo decided to throw it down at the ground next to him. I thought he had gone insane and that he was going to be seriously injured. Somebody up there likes him though because when he threw it there was no explosion, but rather the bottle sprung a leak that sent it flying into the air spewing a mist of acid behind it. It disappeared above the level of the lights and it felt like it was in the air for a solid minute. It was really probably only up for 10 or 12 seconds which is still impressive. For that time my two friends and I were looking alertly upward waiting for the bottle to hit one of us on the head. It came down a few feet behind Rambo and we looked at the deformed bottle and laughed about Rambo’s death wish.
We decided to give a glass bottle a try. We put in all the stuff, closed the bottle and then took cover in my friends car. After another long unfruitful wait we decided to shoot my friends pellet gun at it. He went back by his trunk and was taking aim to shoot when I saw a police car driving up from the other side of the park. I yelled at him that the cops were coming and he threw his gun back in the trunk and jumped back in the car. The police turned on their lights and we didn’t even move an inch. They had us get out of the car one at a time. They had me put my hands behind my head and they grabbed my hands with a fistful of hair then asked if I had anything in my pockets. I told them about my pocket knife and was anticipating getting my face slammed into the ground as had happened before with police. They set me down in a row next to my friends. We were all pretty close to the glass bottle that hadn’t exploded yet. We began to hear a hissing noise from pressure being released and I was just praying that the bottle would not explode with the police right there. The hissing continued for a couple of minutes and then stopped. Inside the car I had 2 bottles full of acid that we hadn’t mixed yet and when the cops let us back in the car after everything there was only one bottle.
The other close call we had was when we vandalized someones house and left a couple of bombs on their doorstep. We drove away and waited for the bombs to go off. The first one went off but we never heard the second one. We drove away in a hurry. We passed by a while later and saw police cars and an ambulance out in front of the house. Our imaginations ran wild with thoughts of someone getting burned by acid or picking up the bomb and blowing off a finger. We later found out that nothing happened. We were very lucky and very stupid.
Autumn Weather Warning
Stay safe everyone.