A while ago there was a show called $40 a Day on the Food Network. Some goofy lady would go around and eat stuff in different places with the goal of spending $40 a day. Oh wow, $40 a day how will she survive? The show is obviously for the super-rich, elite people. $40 X 30 days = $1,200. $1,200 bucks a month is enough for the lowly people to pay for a house. I should have a show on the Food Network. I can’t think of a great name for it yet. “$7 a Day”, “Hobo Eats”, “Eating Garbage” or “Proletariat Dining”. These are the front runners right now.
I will go around to various places and try to spend as little money as possible; while still dining out. I will take a camera crew with me to recreate the time when myself and two of my friends spent all day at a Golden Corral buffet. We ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. We paid the price later with the strange things that Golden Corral does to your innards. But, it was technically food and it was under $7 a day. There is also the time that I plucked my lunch from neighborhood trees as I headed to school. Another time, I bought some questionable burritos for $0.50 a piece, from a woman who sells them from her car. When you buy questionable burritos from a regular brick and mortar establishment, you are paying for the unnecessary frills like health inspection fees and employee hand-soap. It is secrets like these that will make the show a huge hit. Imagine how entertaining and informative a show like that would be. I think I am the next Food Network Star.
With the invention of the internet there came the ability to spread knowledge of how to behave at bathroom urinals. With games like Urinal Quiz one could learn about proper etiquette in the bathroom without having to be in the bathroom. Imagine the old days when an older, wiser man would take a young man into the bathroom to teach him how to pick urinals. They would watch others use the restroom and the young man would be quizzed about where to go. This was very uncomfortable for everyone involved.
One very important thing that a urinal quiz won’t teach you is what to do about troughs. Who wants to stand around peeing into a giant tub with other guys? This is not only wide open with no privacy, but the other guys may be splashers. So what do you do?
The correct answer is to go outside and urinate on the establishment that put in a trough.
For a few years now, myself and some of my friends have been trying to find a way to help one of the most helpless and downtrodden forms of life on Earth. It pains me to the core to see this life form trampled and killed on a daily basis with no regard for it’s feelings. I see it happen at sporting events and at schools. It happens at protests and rallies, family get-togethers and in everyday life. The constant barrage of carelessness and even purposeful destruction makes me sick to the core. If you haven’t figured it out by now I will tell you, this life form is grass. So small and fragile, so helpless and cut-down. Why can’t we leave the grass alone? It reaches for the sky and we just cut it right back down again.
If you ever see any large group of people on a patch of grass, like at a protest, you need to get your own sign that says, “Don’t Step On The Grass” or “Don’t Tread On Me” with a picture of helpless grass on it. I am organizing a protest now where we can let our voices be heard while we march around the concrete and fight for Gramineae Rights. We need to have some sit-ins to prevent people from mowing their lawns.
While I organize the details and alert the media as to where we will be, you can watch this video of some extremely uncaring individuals who are trampling grass left and right.
If you want to join the fight and help save trillions of lives let me know in the comments. I am actually serious about doing this protest with the news and everything.
While watching television you are bombarded with an extremely high number of commercials. If the commercials could be as entertaining as the shows it wouldn’t be a problem, but they rarely are. Most commercials are just plain dumb. You know what I am talking about. You’ve lived through it. I really wish that I could be the guy to come up with commercials for people. I know I could do a much better job than many of the people that are doing it nowadays. In the near future I will have a few posts about different kinds of commercials and how they bother me. I have already done one fake commercial mocking many tooth product commercials that claim to give you that “fresh from the dentist feeling”. More of that should be coming in the future too.
For now I am content to let you see what I think is the most effective commercial ever. I will also throw in some others from the great minds that came up with that one.
With all the recent hullabaloo surrounding Bigfoot, I thought I would let everyone know what the real story is.
A Sasquatch is very large, harry and elusive. To remain hidden for so long you must be very, very clever. It would take skills and possibly technology that are far beyond what we can come up with. One could even say that these skills could have been learned long ago, in a galaxy far away. That’s right, the Sasquatch race are descendants of Wookiees.
Think about it, any creature that can fix a hyperdrive can certainly avoid white trash with cameras. My guess is that they got tired of all the stupid fighting in their own galaxy and decided to plant themselves here on Earth. The only struggle they now have is avoiding crews from the Discovery Channel when they come by to shoot an hour long show about not seeing Bigfoot. I would bet that if someone finally did get too close to Bigfoot they would find a Wookiee Crossbow pointed right at them.
You may think, “Why don’t they want to be found?” I’ve got three words for you. George Lucas. If he finds any Wookiees living here on Earth, imagine the atrocities he could unleash on mankind. He already destroyed everyone’s childhood with a fourth Indiana Jones Movie and, of course, Episode 1, 2 and 3. If he finds real Wookiees he could do all kinds of sick, sadistic things. I bet he wants to branch out and ruin other great trilogies. He could make the Wookiees assist Marty McFly on an adventure through time that could take them back a long time ago, in that galaxy far away. “Who cares about 88 miles per hour Doc? We got light speed.” With all these horrendous things staring us in the face, I think it is best to leave Bigfoot alone.
If you weren’t reading right now, I would ask you to close your eyes and imagine with me that you are in your car, stopped at a light. You look over to the passenger seat because you think you see a dollar bill over there. Your eyes have been off the light for about 0.42 seconds when you suddenly hear a loud obnoxious honking from behind you. The light has turned green and either Jack Bauer is behind you and needs to get downtown “NOW!!!” before the bomb explodes, or you are in front of an impatient jerk.
You may feel far too lazy to get out of your car and rain down blows upon them, or your parole officer wouldn’t like it if it happened again. What do you do? Honking is, pretty much, only effective for those in front of you. It seems that you are left with no way to let them know they hurt your feelings and all you can do is drive away like a wimp. Although, sometimes you can wait until the light turns red and then take off, leaving Honky McGee sitting at another red light. That one gets old after about the 20th time you do it and you also run the risk of Charlie Manson Jr. being behind Honky McGee in the line of cars. Also, if it really is Jack Bauer you will have some splainin’ to do. Personally, I don’t think about it anymore. I have a secret weapon. (Watch Video) cont. below.
With this weapon I can let someone know that, surprisingly enough, their honking wasn’t appreciated. It also works great if someone is tailgating you. I have made people who were tailgating me laugh at being squirted.
There are a couple of things I would like to do. First I want to put a big dog leg on the back of the Jeep that will lift up when it squirts. Next I want to have somebody on a scooter or motorcycle do something to anger me while they are behind me in traffic. Don’t worry I won’t go looking for trouble, I will only use this power for good, not evil. This was not something I did to my car on purpose, it just wore out on its own. But who am I to question this serendipitous blessing?
Let me be very clear about one more thing too. If you were staring at the imaginary dollar bill in the passenger seat for five minutes, then you deserve to be honked at and you should suck it up and drive away promptly. Now drive courteously.
Oh boy, what happened? I actually liked the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, but the next 2 movies really stunk. I really like this version of the trailer for the last one.
As an Eagle Scout I find it very helpful to “Be Prepared” for any situation that may arise. When looking at a place to live I check the usual things such as, “Are the showers low flow?”, “Are there any strange noises when I step anywhere or lean on something?”, and “Could a zombie easily access windows?”. I myself, have had zombie plans long before it was popular.
Step 1 – Prevent Zombie Entry
Right now I am renting the top part of a duplex which provides a pretty good zombie defense system. My back door has a rickety old stairway that I could fairly easily knock away from the house if I were to suddenly come under seige by the leagues of the undead. My front door will be blocked by several strategically placed pieces of furniture which will jam it shut against the stairway that leads up from it. With the doors properly defended the windows of the second story duplex now become a great asset. I can see what the gathering hordes of pale brain-eaters might be plotting or I can use them to assist me with step 2. If I were on a ground level floor I would need a lot more plywood to feel secure with my windows. Being so high up I only need to worry if Spud Webb is in my neighborhood and has been captured and converted. But let’s be realistic, Spud Webb would be the hero of such a situation and those rotten-fleshed ex-humans would never catch him.
Step 2 – Take the Offensive
The measures you take to kill zombies depend highly on which movies are correct in their mode of zombie execution. Some popular beliefs about how to send zombies to the afterlife include:
Cutting off their heads.
Blowing their brains out.
Burning them.
Some believe that you cannot stop them but would have to render their bodies useless, while avoiding the still moving limbs.
Killing them as you would a normal human is a popular choice too (Preferred).
In a dream scenario my gun toting brother would be at my house with his arsenal of weaponry when the zombies strike. But most likely I would have to craft my own means of destruction like MacGyver. When killing so many zombies you must be careful to watch how high the bodies are stacking so they don’t reach your window level, but other than that, happy killings.
Step 3 – Make an Escape
You must always come to the realization that you are running out of food, or that the zombies are slowly becoming more clever and will get you soon, which will be evidenced by the large human pyramid of zombies approaching your window. When this happens you have to make a break for it. Hopefully you have access to a car that can easily drive over masses of dead bodies, but you must make due with what you have. My garage is, unfortunately, not connected to my house so I would make the standard distraction while my loved ones and unbitten neighbors headed for my Jeep, armed with knives and broken mop handles. They would then drive under the part of the house that I am dangling from and I would drop on top of the car and kick zombies in their faces. We would then drive around looking for the nearest zombie-free military evacuation zone or the like.
Some Other Things to Keep in Mind
1. If the zombies are standard zombies then my plan is sufficient, but if they are zombies a la “I Am Legend” I am in huge trouble. The massive army of undead, super-fast spider men is a force to be reckoned with. Hats off to Will Smith, he made it a long time.
2. In the future I would really like to get a flame thrower extension put onto my house gas pipeline.
3. If perchance I am captured and bitten I could find that being a zombie is not so bad. Zombies have a strong sense of community and as a white American it would be nice to finally have a “Community” to belong to. I also recently started educating myself about zombies, so I am not so ignorant about them. Watch these videos and remove your bigotry.
I got an email from a friend entitled “Why Iraq is Taking So Long” that had this video attached. Hopefully these fellas can now look back on this video and laugh with us. I can’t help but crack up when I watch this. Just pick one person and concentrate on them, then pick another and watch it again.
