Funny – Page 16 – Everyday Normal

July 7, 2008

Current Schemes

ATV’s on the street

I want to save more money on gas, but I am too lazy to keep a motorcycle or scooter balanced while riding. A four wheeler would be perfect. I once called a sheriff’s department to ask them why they aren’t street legal and how I could fix it and they said they didn’t know. I asked a lady at the DMV and she said they were too dangerous. I replied by telling her that motorcycles are just as unsafe if not more so. She was stumped as well. I imagine I would just need to put mirrors and lights on one. If anyone has definitive answers let me know.

Chunky Brownish Yellowish Gold

I just learned that something called ambergris is worth a lot of money. It is used in perfumes and junk like that. It is actually whale vomit. So my new plan was to buy a dingy and head out to sea with a boatload of Long John Silvers meals. It turns out it takes a few years to solidify though.

Computer Ink Ripoff

The last two times that I have gone to the store to buy printer ink refills I have just ended up buying a whole new printer because it was cheaper than the ink. Always look for deals on printers and compare them to the price of your ink.

July 1, 2008

Before the Decade is Over

Some time ago, let’s say last August, I was called in to sign something at a doctors office. Next to the signature was a space for the date. I wrote 8/6/7 in the date space. The woman who gave me the paper looked at it and then said, ” I think you have to put 8/6/07.” I then asked, “Should I put 08/06/07 or 008/006/007 ?”

It will be nice when this decade is over and I will no longer face the persecution for not wanting to put a “0” in my abbreviation for the year. A person should be able to abbreviate a date as far as they can without confusing others. I saw an ad on TV the other day for the Olympics and it said to watch starting on 8/8/08. I thought, “What a shame. It would be cooler if they had 8/8/8.” My family had a reunion on July 7th last year and everyone kept saying that it was going to be on “seven, seven, o’seven”. I think by now it should be clear that I said, “seven, seven, seven”.

It is a strange phenomenon that people cannot mentally depart from placing 2 digits in the year column. Most of anyones life who lives in a single digit decade and lives longer than 20 years will be lived in years with double digit abbreviations and this leads to peoples inability to drop a digit for ten years. Most months are written numerically with one digit and people have no problem switching between one and 2 digits. Once we hit the year column people feel a need to use 2 spaces. In an effort to out-smart-alec me some of you may think, “What did you do in the year 2000?” Don’t be stupid, I used “0”, as I needed to denote the year.

In this decade I have not found another person who is taking part with me in this “Decade-Crusade”. I have found people who agree, but I have never found anyone else who marks the year column of dates without a leading “0”. I only have another year and a half before this issue is irrelevant for 90 years. I would like to find other individuals who feel as I do on the matter. If we can stand up and be counted I bet, ironically, we will still be in the single digits. So far the tally is “01”.

June 30, 2008

10 Worst Things About Summer for Adults

10. No 3 month break

Your whole life teachers and schools have trained you that summer was a time to not be required to be anywhere and to take it easy. Well guess what, they lied.

9. Baseball

Basketball has just ended and football won’t start up until fall. You are out of luck unless you like to watch baseball or golf. Personally those are both a little slow for my 21st century American attention span. Every 4 years you get the summer Olympics but let’s be straightforward, watching an hour of TV to see a 10 second race is pretty brutal too. The Olympics are best watched as a highlight reel but by the time they come around I am so starved to see people moving fast I will watch them in all their commercial glory.

8. Reruns

Personally I only watch a couple of shows at a time. So all the stupid reality TV shows they show in summer to act like they are showing new material are just brutal and if I want to see a rerun of anything I will just go to Hulu or ABC and watch it on my own schedule. (Side note: Has anyone else noticed that reality TV shows are just Game Shows with special locations?)

7. Worse Sunburns

As a kid you got to hang out in the sun all day. But now that you are older and sit behind that desk all day, when the sun hits your skin you will begin to sizzle like a vampire. It will hurt more and seem to last longer too.

6. Your kids are at home getting into your stuff

While you are stuck at work your children are at home and they are breaking into all of your prize possessions and destroying them. They will ruin computers, TVs, guitars or anything else you want to keep in good condition. No matter how tightly you lock it up they will find a way to get into it.

5. It is hot but you rarely get to cool off

Trips to the pool were a daily occurrence for me as a young man. Now I am lucky to get out once a summer. Now if you do get to the pool you have to watch and make sure that your children don’t drown, so you can’t really enjoy the full experience.

4. Summer treats will give you diabetes

Ice cream, Slurpees and Big Gulps used to be a staple of summer enjoyment. Now in your older age you have suddenly become more concerned about health and diet. As a youngster you would run around and burn off anything you threw into your body but now that you sit around all day you will have serious consequences if you indulge in the old ways.

3. Gas prices get higher

Taking a road trip will kill your bank account. This is a recent development of course, as I remember gas in 1998 was $0.72 a gallon for a while. In summer gas prices always go up as more people take road trips and now a trip that used to cost 10 dollars will cost 45.

2. You’ve seen all the summer movies before

When you were a kid, didn’t it seem like there were a lot more movies that you were excited to see? Now all you see are remakes of old movies you used to like that aren’t quite as well done but have nicer graphics. And how many superhero movies can you watch in one summer anyway?

1. Summer just isn’t special anymore. It just isn’t

If you can use your old person brain to recall the wonderful feelings you had for summer as a child. They are dead and gone aren’t they? All of the aforementioned factors added together with the fact that time gets faster and faster every year you live makes summer seem much less significant than it used to. By the time I reach my 30’s those feelings of yesteryear will be completely forgotten.