Another classic video that promotes common sense. We should apply this for ourselves and our government.
Random Junk
1. “Stop attributing quotes to me falsely.” – Albert Einstein (He didn’t really say this. That’s where the irony comes in.)
2. When someone asks me if I want cheesecake, it sounds so much more appetizing than if it was called cheese pie.
3. When it comes to web design, you can’t beat spiders.
4. I am bound and determined to make a time machine. So I will occasionally look around to see if I figured it out yet.
5. If we evolved from monkeys, why don’t I have thumb feet? Thumb feet are much better than big toe feet.
6. If anyone has an extreme phobia we usually have an understanding and empathetic view. I feel sorry for people with homophobia, no one helps them out in their terror.
7. Why don’t any restaurants serve sloppy joe’s?
8. An added bonus of Christianity is that you have more weapons against vampires.
Stages of a Restaurant
Hip, Fresh and New
Everyone is going there for lunch. You can usually count on waiting in a line or being on the list for a long time. The food is terrific and there may even be some new type of gimmick in use. They have big heaping helpings of whatever you order. This stage seems to last a while, but only long enough to get people hooked. This stage also includes the optional expansion mode where several other branches open up in various places.
Drop in Food Quantity
Suddenly one day when you stop by you notice that they didn’t fill the bowl all the way with rice or the burrito seems a little thinner. You feel ripped off a bit but the food still tastes good. In the back of your mind you imagine a meeting in the back of the kitchen where the employees are told to start skimping on stuff.
Drop in Food Quality
This visit is always the most sad one. They must have started ordering their beef from somewhere else and it just doesn’t taste right. Not only do you have to choke down the meal you purchased but you must choke back the tears.
The Long Absence
You protest the new choice of food supplier by not going back to the restaurant for a very long time. You hope that others are doing the same to send a message that the food is horrible now.
A Test Run
“We haven’t been to _______ in a while.” You think it might be safe to try again. When you arrive you find the prices are slightly higher than before which gives you hope that they picked a better food supplier. You are disappointed though as you find the food just isn’t as good as it used to be.
Joke Phase
This phase is reserved for places that consistently over time have had such bad food and/or service that the only thing they are good for is a punchline. Your friends will make jokes about it and if the restaurant was nationwide you will get some late night material out of it. After this point there are only two options.
Option 1 Re-branding
The restaurant will do everything they can to make people forget about the time that someone found a full toenail in that omelette; or that waitress who was extremely racist. They will update the logo and clean out the dining areas for the first time in years. The PR people will have the machines moving with new commercials showing plenty of happy black people eating off of clean dishes. This phase gives them a 50/50 chance of getting back on top or moving to the next option.
Option 2 Embrace It
There always has to be that place for loadies to go at 2am when they are hungry. Another important part of their customer base is the people who were too drunk for the bars to keep around. This grimey little establishment just has to have a toilet and something made with potatoes.
Zombie Plan: One More Line of Defense
I recently made a new zombie plan for my new place. My wife then dragged me to watch a Halloween dance show from which I came up with everyone’s last line of defense when zombies attack.
If I have learned anything from Halloween dance shows, music videos or just the dancing community in general, it is that zombies love to boogie. They are even very synchronized and become more flexible when the proper music is played. My last line of defense is to have a stash of Michael Jackson CD’s near my final stronghold. When we reach the moment that our brains are surely to be eaten by the undead, we will turn on the CD player. Then, of course, while the zombies are synchronized in syncopation we will make our break for it.
You may ask, “Hey, why not just use it as your first line of defense?” Well, I have weighed it out and the stress of fighting off zombies for a week before they find a way into my stronghold is considerably less than the amount of torture induced by hearing Michael Jackson.
The Spirit(s) of the Season
Let’s not forget the true reason for the Halloween season. Let your heart be filled with the fear of Algol as you prepare to ward off demons.
Continue reading “The Spirit(s) of the Season”
Things I Want to See in a Movie
There are a few things that when watching a movie I really hope for. These things never seem to actually happen and I think it must be that the movie writers club has strict rules about going against the old standbys. So here are some solutions to some of the troubles with movies. If somebody rips these off, they owe me big royalties.
Bomb Drama
We’ve all seen it a badrillion times. The bomb is ticking and the wire must be cut. Well, just like me writing a class paper they have to wait for the last second. The tension is butter thick as the wire cutters head for the green, no wait, the red wire. The wire is cut after the clock reaches 00:01. Phew, that was close.
What I want, is to have someone find the bomb in time and defuse it with great ease and I want to see 32:48 left on the clock when it is done.
The Love Bet
Oh great, another dumb chick flick that you are obligated to watch because of your significant other. The boy makes a bet that he can hook up with a certain girl. He gets her to fall for him and oops, guess what, they actually fell in love. Awww isn’t that cute. But wait, she finds out about the dare and Prince Charming is in hot water. And I didn’t even see it coming.
What I want to see is when the girl finds out that he made the bet, she will laugh it off because she loves him. Then she will just tell people the cute little story about “how we met”.
Can’t We All Just Get Along?
When there is an investigation and the FBI or other federal investigators get called in, the local cops always complain about the feds helping out.
What I would like to see is the local law enforcement being appreciative of the help offered by the extra investigators.
That Stupid Song
I just wish chick flick trailers would stop using that “This Will Be” song. You know the one I am talking about. All the clips in the trailer are of people kissing, dancing or falling off of stuff and sometimes all three at the same time. And they all have the common thread of that annoying song. It is true that I only have to put up with it in movie trailers but it seems like there are 3 or 4 every year that do it. The better solution is to not make chick flicks, but I will be satiated with the discontinued use of that annoying song.
Andy’s Excuse
It should be clear how much I dislike SNL and I think I have said that it hasn’t been funny since the mid to latter nineties almost enough. Every once in a while though they have a gem that just shines. Lately almost all the gems have included Andy Samberg.
My New Hero
This kid is amazing and I really want to play like him. Eat your heart out Yankovic. Continue reading “My New Hero”
Segways
Does anyone else remember when Segways were supposed to change the transportation world forever? The future was bright and wide open in front of us. Mailmen, police officers, golfers and people who hate stepping but don’t mind standing were all going to be tooling around on those things.
When I see the bitter world we still live in I ask myself, “Why? Why wasn’t the Segway dream realized? Why was the walking world not transformed?” Maybe these are questions that are to be left to better men than I. My only consolation comes from the fact that the Segway did revolutionize one thing. The comedy world has been transformed forever by this wonderful invention. Thank you Segway and Gob.
Propaganda For People
I am devoted to uniting mankind and making the world a better place. The other night as I was flipping channels on the old tube, I saw a news commentator talking about how The U.S.A. is the best country in the world. While I personally agree, I also couldn’t help but wonder how this makes people in other countries feel. So to unite the world I have come up with some propaganda that will inspire a sense of pride and togetherness amongst all mankind.
If we can rally around the cause together we will all be one, just like in Independence Day. If somebody doesn’t like the life that they can have on Earth they can try to live somewhere else. Here on Earth there is a good chance that war or disease might kill you, but everywhere else just being there will kill you. That’s why I am proud to be a human from Earth. Who’s with me?