There is a phenomenon that anyone who has ever been to a concert knows about. It is sometimes hilarious, sometimes frightening, sometimes annoying and sometimes just really really sad. It is the phenomenon known to myself and my friends as the “Dirty Hazard”. Dirty Hazards just want to be enveloped in sound and dance and move around. They have no regard for others around them and they just go for it. I have seen a Dirty Hazard at every concert I have been to. So I am very certain that you have too. There are different types of Dirty Hazards but their general goal is the same and they are all very easy to spot.
The Hazard “Classic”
This is usually an older man who may seem out of place, wearing his Black Sabbath shirt to a Britney Spears concert. He just wants to see a concert and rock out, which is pretty much the goal of all Hazards. He doesn’t move as much as some of the other kinds of Hazards, but he never stops. Head banging is pretty common from these guys and he will just keep going, many times when the music has stopped.
The “Ditzy” Hazard
This is one of the most common types in today’s world. They may even be found in herds sometimes. The name gives it away as they are the trendy girls who feel the same call as the classic Hazards, to go to a noisy place and move. Most times they will only be at the show because one of their friends, liked a song, that they heard on the radio once, that was done by the band. These girls will most often be found holding their arms over their heads for long periods of time, sometimes throwing in swimming motions. You must be careful near these girls, as they have long nails and can easily draw blood if you happen to pass by during the backstroke.
The “Nerdy” Hazard
These are one of the craziest and most unpredictable of the Hazards. They love to try to look like Thom Yorke from Radiohead doing his “I feel itchy, but I am not sure where and my neck is loose” dance. These guys go everywhere and are so into the music that they can’t even feel when they hit someone. Usually they do not look at all like they even like music made after Tchaikovsky went mainstream, which is why if you see them, you can be pretty sure the headlining band is their ultimate favorite band.
The “Snotty” Hazard
“Oh this song gets me every time.” I am all for having an emotional and/or spiritual connection with music, but do your crying at home. These hazards feel so strongly about the song and the time it kept them from sending their dog to the shelter or throwing away their favorite shirt that they have decided to come leak bodily fluids all over other concert-goers. You may think that someone has been injured at first, but this is just an emotional powder keg that was ignited by the poignant lyrics of Clay Aiken. You don’t need to worry about these too much because they are generally at concerts for ex-American Idol stars. But every now and then they venture out into the world of real music.
The “Health” Hazard
There are a few ways that the Health Hazards can ruin your night. First they love to mosh and harm as many people as possible. The higher the body count, the better the night was. 
Next, if you wanted to avoid second-hand smoke and other carcinogens, you can thank these upstanding citizens for making sure you experience a wide range of pleasant odors throughout the night. These are the sweatiest and most wild of all the Hazards and many of them love to take off their shirts. This insures that, if they had a cold or the flu, their sweat will carry that disease over to you. Don’t try to avoid it, their sweat will be in contact with you several times before the night is over. These guys are mostly at metal shows but, like the Snotty Hazards (only more often), try to branch out.
The HUI (Hazarding Under the Influence)
These thrifty individuals pay for the concert and the booze, only to not recall any of it the next day. Money well spent. They dance like crazy all night even without any music, more so than the Classic Hazard. The main causes for concern are mostly the same as driving near a premedicated person with the added bonus of trying to not get vomitted on. All the shaking and crazy lights just enhance the delightful cocktail brewing in their belly. Sometimes it might be difficult to tell if they are a Health Hazard, a Ditzy Hazard or a Nerdy Hazard, but if you see chunks of corn you know its a case of HUI.
Making Concerts More Safe
For normal people who want to enjoy the music of a band or artist they like, avoiding Hazards will be a key to having a good time. Although, in a few cases Hazards can be quite entertaining and enhance the concert experience, as long as they don’t harm anyone else. If you steer clear of the dangerous ones you can take in some good music and do a little dancing of your own (not too much dancing though, and stop when the music is over).
blue when it is cold. Once again, maybe your sensitivity to temperature is impared when you are drunk so I wouldn’t know, but this seems stupid. I just picture some drunk idiot opening his fridge every 10 seconds and tasting his beer to find out if it is cold yet. He then stops and thinks, “If only the sweet rocky mountains could tell me when my beer is cold.” First of all, if your drinks were warm when you put them in the fridge and it has been less than 30 minutes they probably aren’t cold yet. If you are so drunk that you can’t tell time you probably don’t need another beer. Secondly, you can touch the bottle or can to tell if it is cold, if you are too lazy to do that then one more cold one should be at the bottom of your priority list. This product enhancement is almost as stupid as the oxymoronic slogan “Drink Responsibly”.
