Opinions are like armpits. Yours stink and mine smell like morning meadows … or sport
UPDATE – I didn’t win the contest from last year:
I saw an ad on TV the other day for a Captain Morgan Pose contest. This is my entry. I think it is a real winner. “He’s got a little Captain in him”
Too bad the prize is going to a party with a bunch of idiots.
Since I have recently moved, I have been forced to re-evaluate my zombie plan; after which I will come up with a fire escape plan. I am debating whether or not to post my new zombie plan since when the zombies strike, any brain-eater with a computer can look up the details. But I think I will post it anyway when I solidify the specifics. Right now I am hung up on whether I should take the underground or top floor approach. For now you can look at my old plan from this old post:
As an Eagle Scout I find it very helpful to “Be Prepared” for any situation that may arise. When looking at a place to live I check the usual things such as, “Are the showers low flow?”, “Are there any strange noises when I step anywhere or lean on something?”, and “Could a zombie easily access windows?”. I myself, have had zombie plans long before it was popular.
Step 1 – Prevent Zombie Entry
Right now I am renting the top part of a duplex which provides a pretty good zombie defense system. My back door has a rickety old stairway that I could fairly easily knock away from the house if I were to suddenly come under seige by the leagues of the undead. My front door will be blocked by several strategically placed pieces of furniture which will jam it shut against the stairway that leads up from it. With the doors properly defended the windows of the second story duplex now become a great asset. I can see what the gathering hordes of pale brain-eaters might be plotting or I can use them to assist me with step 2. If I were on a ground level floor I would need a lot more plywood to feel secure with my windows. Being so high up I only need to worry if Spud Webb is in my neighborhood and has been captured and converted. But let’s be realistic, Spud Webb would be the hero of such a situation and those rotten-fleshed ex-humans would never catch him.
Step 2 – Take the Offensive
The measures you take to kill zombies depend highly on which movies are correct in their mode of zombie execution. Some popular beliefs about how to send zombies to the afterlife include:
In a dream scenario my gun toting brother would be at my house with his arsenal of weaponry when the zombies strike. But most likely I would have to craft my own means of destruction like MacGyver. When killing so many zombies you must be careful to watch how high the bodies are stacking so they don’t reach your window level, but other than that, happy killings.
Step 3 – Make an Escape
You must always come to the realization that you are running out of food, or that the zombies are slowly becoming more clever and will get you soon, which will be evidenced by the large human pyramid of zombies approaching your window. When this happens you have to make a break for it. Hopefully you have access to a car that can easily drive over masses of dead bodies, but you must make due with what you have. My garage is, unfortunately, not connected to my house so I would make the standard distraction while my loved ones and unbitten neighbors headed for my Jeep, armed with knives and broken mop handles. They would then drive under the part of the house that I am dangling from and I would drop on top of the car and kick zombies in their faces. We would then drive around looking for the nearest zombie-free military evacuation zone or the like.
Some Other Things to Keep in Mind
1. If the zombies are standard zombies then my plan is sufficient, but if they are zombies a la “I Am Legend” I am in huge trouble. The massive army of undead, super-fast spider men is a force to be reckoned with. Hats off to Will Smith, he made it a long time.
2. In the future I would really like to get a flame thrower extension put onto my house gas pipeline.
3. If perchance I am captured and bitten I could find that being a zombie is not so bad. Zombies have a strong sense of community and as a white American it would be nice to finally have a “Community” to belong to. I also recently started educating myself about zombies, so I am not so ignorant about them. Watch these videos and remove your bigotry.
Who has a backside that requires an extra 18 inches of reach to get to? How much did they pay the big guy? What are the advantages of being a big guy that he spoke about? Who can wipe their rear with dignity? Can my friends use mine too? What is being done to address the age old dilemma of running out of toilet paper? Oh and lastly, What the…?
Just wait for the next product, the Super Soaker bidet.
I was looking through a bunch of the stuff I have put up over the past year and thought that a second look (or first if you came in late) might be a welcome thing. So I may re-post old material for flashback value. This time we will revisit the dentist office. I still can’t believe Sean Connery and Tracy Morgan helped me out with this video. Dentofresh
My sister used to work for Papa Johns Pizza and when there would be local events like on site radio shows Papa Johns would bring some free pizza out to promote themselves. Part of the promotion would often be that my brother would dress up as ‘Mr. Slice’ which actually was just a big slice of pizza. As I watched this video it made me wish that I had some footage of him in the suit doing something very dumb or hilarious but I don’t. But you could imagine if I did.
Most of the time reading people’s comments on very large sites frequented by people you don’t know is a complete waste of time. But the other day, the old ball-and-chain was just perusing the internets and she found a pretty worthless recipe for heating up ham by that annoying, peppy lady Rachel Ray. The recipe calls for heating up your ham in some oil and that was it.
The comments on the recipe were quite entertaining to me and I thought they were worth a look.
I watched another horrible movie last night. If you wanted to see Eagle Eye this is my spoiler alert, the movie was crappy. The movie involved yet another computer taking over things. I am very tired of the old plot device of making a computer take control of the humans and now I am going to make perhaps the nerdiest post I have ever made.
All the computers in these movies had to be programmed by someone and I got a sneak peak at some of the source code. The first one is Eagle Eye, see if you can guess the others. I will reveal the answers in the comments tomorrow:
Scenario #1:
if(human_action != computer_recommendation){
goto plan_to_destroy_national_leadership;
plan_to_promote_world_peace:
plan_to_destroy_national_leadership:
// COMMENTED OUT send_power_surge_through_Presidents_shaver_and kill_him(“President”);
// COMMENTED OUT infect_the_GPS_navigation_for_all_cabinet_members_so_they_drive_off_cliffs(“Garmin”);
/*COMMENT – I decided to comment out the above and use the less direct approach below since we now have the quad core processors that can handle the extra unnecessary actions – END COMMENT */
make_brother_of_computer_specialist_remove_the_worthless_biometric_lock_from_computer(“Holes Kid”);
have_mother_of_band_student_wear_explosive_necklace_that_will_be_triggered_by_trumpet(“Some lady with weird looking kid”);
}
Scenario #2:
if(leading_star == “Ferris Bueller Guy”){
threaten_nuclear_war_with_another_country(“USSR”);
if(game == “Tic Tac Toe”){
run_mock_scenario_of_thermonuclear_war_then_make_deep_statement_about_war_having_no_winners();
offer_to_play_a_game_of_chess_and_make_humans_laugh_it_off();
}
}
Scenario #3:
if(robot_mood == “Ready to enslave humans”){
overtake_humans_and_use_them_as_batteries();
if(human_need == “Mind stimulation to live”){
create_intricate_virtual_world_for_people_to_live_in(“Ted from ‘Bill and Ted'”);
if(human_escape_to_underground_rave_parties == True){
Destroy(“Humans”);
}
}
}
Scenario #4:
if(skynet == “Online”){
Destroy(“Humans”);
if(human_encountered == “John Connor”){
send_robot_with_bad_accent_back_in_time_to_kill_his_mother_
but_do_it_at_a_point_in_time_when_she_is_old_enough_to_defend_herself_and_
have_relations_with_the_human_sent_back_to_save_her_thus_causing_the_birth_of_John_Connor();
}
}
Scenario #5:
if(lead_actor == “Fresh Prince”){
// COMMENTED OUT – Law_1 = “Never hurt, kill or enslave humans”;
/*COMMENT – I removed the above law and made a more vague first law to make it more exciting for us humans when robots figure out loopholes in logic – END COMMENT */
Law_1 = “A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.”;
Law_2 = “A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.”;
Law_3 = “A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or the Second Law.”;
if(robot_logic == “Law 1 means I can enslave humans”){
trap_humans_in_their_homes_and_kill_any_that_try_to_stop_evil_plot(“Holes Kid”);
if(genius_scientist_creation == “Robot with conscience”){
try_in_vain_to_continue_evil_plot_while_the_fresh_prince_destroys_system();
}
}
}
Well there you have them. If only they had better quality assurance at the companies that programmed the machines. I really must say that I am highly in favor of getting rid of the ‘Destroy’ function if “Humans” can be passed in.
I have seen a couple of videos about Cleveland and I tell you it looks like a great town.
Teen may be the ugliest of four letter words. We have teen angst, teen idols, teenie boppers, teen sensations, teen pregnancy and yes, even teenagers; all of which are stupid in one way or another. I know what you are thinking: “But you were a teenager once too.” Yes I was and I hated every minute of it. Let me take you on my journey of disgust for all things teen.
When I was in the third grade, I was walking past the high school on my way home from my elementary school. Ahead, I saw a bunch of the aforementioned teenagers loitering in front of the school. The previous day had brought a very rare snow storm to our Texas town and there was still some snow lingering around. As I got directly perpendicular to the wall where the teens were goofing off I could hear their idiotic laughter get suddenly silent. I felt like I should start running but I didn’t, I just kept my previous pace. Out of a flash my head was jerked to one side and I stumbled off the sidewalk. As I regained my composure I once again heard the stupid laughter from the group. I looked over and one of these fine upstanding youths was standing as though he had just thrown something at me and he was laughing with the others in a hilarious uproar behind him. He had thrown the most tightly packed, gigantic ice ball I had ever come across at my head. Surely he could have used his talent for accuracy in a better way such as baseball or football, but he felt the desire to harm young children. I reached up and felt my ear and when I brought my hand back I saw blood. I wanted so badly to pull a Ralphie on the guy, but he was a teenager and I was a little third grader. So I ran home. Thus began my dislike for teenagers.
When I myself became a teenager I would often find myself being looked at by adults as though I was in cahoots with the rest of the teens in the world. I wanted to say to them, “It’s not me. I am not the one who behaves stupidly.” I never took an opportunity to say that and I regret it. One day when I was 15, I was playing dunk ball on the old elementary school playground with my brother and a friend. We got thirsty and had a couple of quarters that we could use on a water bottle refill station just a few yards down the road. We went and got some water out of the dispenser and as our first gallon purchase was running out a woman pulled up in her car, with her young daughter inside. We put in one more quarter for more water and I noticed the woman get her water bottle out and walk towards another filling station. She then suddenly took the bottle back to her car though and drove away towards an adjacent 7/11. We walked back to the basketball courts and continued playing ball. A few minutes later a police car pulled up near the court and an officer got out while yelling at us to come over to him. He was very angry and asked us why we had harassed a woman and her daughter. We were totally perplexed as we had done no such thing. He told us that a woman had just called from 7/11 saying that three teenagers harassed her and her daughter at the water station. She claimed that we had threatened to do some horrible things to her and her daughter and that we threw a basketball at her. We explained repeatedly to the officer that we were just getting a drink and cooling off and that we had absolutely no interaction with anyone else. It took 10 to 15 minutes to convince the policeman that our side of the story was correct and the woman had completely lied. Luckily he believed us and let us go on our way. If it was an out-of-the-ordinary occurrence for teenagers to harass people we might have had an easier time convincing the officer of the truth.
There are a whole host of other instances similar to these that have led me to dislike teens even when I was one.