Inviting someone over to dine with you is a tradition that stretches back thousands of years into human history. There are some moments in dining history that boggle the mind and can be quite entertaining for years to come. Take a journey with me whilst I fill you in on three strange situations. Do not try these at home kids.
How to Gloat
Here is a phrase that I coined a while back that should be immortalized:
Continue reading “How to Gloat”
What You Will Need When You Buy a Home
I graduated college at a wonderful time, right into a recession. I decided to not let Whitey get me down and go ahead and buy a house. I have been waiting for a couple of months now since I agreed to buy a place and it is driving me insane. I decided I would make a list of all the things I have needed so far and I can’t imagine what else there could possibly be.
Things You Provide
2 years worth of W-2 forms
2 months of paystubs
Previous year tax return
Good credit
List of debts and payment schedules
Note stating that a spouse did not work in a previous year
Contact info for insurer of home
Signed REPC
A year of canceled rent checks
A Ton of Patience
Things the Lender Provides
A signed good faith estimate
A loan application
A patriot act property form
An employment verification form
Things the seller provides
Certificate of occupancy
1 yr warranty form (if new)
Termite guarantee form or inspection
I think that is everything unless they pull out the surprise rectal exam or they want some DNA samples. I wonder what it would have been like if I had tried for a house a couple of years ago when they were giving them out to every hobo with half a pulse. If I think of anything else I will edit it in. If you are going to buy a house just get all of these things ready ASAP in case they are needed. I gathered everything on this list as it has been requested over the last two months. It would have been much easier to know before hand and just turn it all in.
Say it First
I have spent a lot of time around manipulative and confrontational people and have noticed a few of their go-to weapons for different situations. One such weapon is to use a key phrase and use it quickly before the other person can say it. This is effective in frustrating the normal thought process and logic skills of the other person and elevating the discussion to an altercation. Here are three that are commonly heard:
“You can dish it out but you can’t take it”
If you can throw this statement at someone first you automatically make them look like someone who is getting their just desserts. They appear as though they have done great harm to many defenseless individuals and you appear to be the heroic avenger striking a blow for the little guy.
It must be noted that there actually are people who can dish it out and not take it, but the majority of uses for this phrase are not to honestly point out such individuals. Most uses are to make one person look better than another.
Best Defense: Remain calm and rational.
“You just have to get the last word. Don’t you?”
Sneaking this one in is a classic ploy used by those who no longer have any rebuttals for your points. The first person to say this will appear to be a person who is in control and does not need to have the last word. In reality the person to say this first really likes to have the last word.
Question: Who honestly cares who has a last word enough to point out that someone else wants the last word?
Answer: Someone who likes to have the last word.
By saying this first they are laying a trap for you. First of all, they usually end it with the question “Don’t you?” which automatically leaves a natural place for a response to the question, making you the person who is trying to have the last word. Just as with the first “Dish it out but can’t take it ” ploy, this statement actually takes two people out of a discussion about an issue and puts them into a discussion about something unrelated and stupid. Why, when discussing physics or dry erase boards, would we suddenly stop and talk about who wants the last word?
Best Defense: Say “Yes, I do have to have the last word.” Then return to the subject at hand. Or you can stoop to their level and accuse them of needing to have the next to last word. Then it gets really confusing and fun.
“You Never Call Me”
This is the one you will run into the most. This one comes from relatives and friends and is generally not geared towards stirring up drama like the first two are. Although I have experienced out-of-the-blue calls just to tell me that I haven’t called in a while. Saying this to someone first, once again, makes the recipient out to be the bad guy, it is your ticket to being the lonesome victim who has been neglected by an evil conversation miser.
The truth is that it takes two people to not contact each other. If you have not spoken to someone in months it is just as much your fault as it is theirs. This statement actually has the opposite effect than one might use it for. Let’s say I haven’t seen or talked to my cousin in a while and I want to see them more. I finally see them and what is the first thing I do when I see them? I accuse them and make them feel uncomfortable by using this statement. Hmmm, I wonder why they don’t call me.
Best Defense: Point out that your phone hasn’t exactly been ringing off the hook. Then if the other person doesn’t see the logic behind your statement, reach through the phone and slap them.
Naming Your Car
Naming a car is an essential thing to do. Most people just go with referring to their automobile with names like “The Honda”, “The Red Car” or “The Truck”. You can do better than that, people, come on. I just got rid of my 1994 Jeep Cherokee, aka “The Rhinosaur” and I have recently been thinking about names for vehicles.
When naming a vehicle it is important that you actually use the name. Thus the name should not be stupid. Do not name the car based on its color. This is very important. Unless the car has a very unusual paint job, do not use it’s color as the basis for it’s name. The best names come from experiences, non-color traits of the vehicle and things that you have heard elsewhere that can apply. My Rhinosaur was named after a Soundgarden song, but, not just simply after the song. The name Rhinosaur sounds tough and invokes the image of a huge beast ready to charge at you. The Rhinosaur had been in 2 tornadoes back in Texas and had been hit by a trampoline in one of them. The outside of the car was covered in dents and scratches. The engine was an inline six cylinder engine which made the car move faster than one would think it would. There was even a Texas Longhorn logo in the back window which adds to the charging beast thought. These things all lead me to think of rhinos or dinosaurs.
Next, resist the urge to name the car immediately when you get it. It is not like a boat that must have a name before it can head out to sea. Allow some time to have some experiences with the vehicle and learn how it handles and how it treats you. When a defining moment for a vehicle happens you will know it. I have had a Jeep Compass for a year or so now and haven’t really had a good name until the other day when it snowed like crazy. That thing zips right through the snow. I watched three Suburbans in a row try to get up a hill near my house while I waited on a side street. None of them made it and they all turned away back down to the bottom of the hill in shame. I headed up and made it to the top just fine. So I am heavily considering naming the vehicle after Balto, the lead dog in the last leg of the 1925 serum run to Nome. While waiting for a name to come to you, it is perfectly acceptable to have a temporary name or to just say, “it is not named yet”.
Multiple names can be allowed but no more than two. In high school I would drive around my family’s 15 seater Dodge Ram van. I saw Shaquille Oneal on TV one day showing off a van that he had put speakers in. He called it “The Van of Death”. I started calling our van “The Van of Social Death”. A short time later I caught part of some TV show starring Sinbad. He was going to have to get a van to haul kids around in and he didn’t want to be a mega van person. That’s when our van took the moniker “The MegaVan”. Every once in a while it would still be jokingly called the Van of Social Death and people knew what was being talked about.
Be sure to always be aware of what vehicles are called in your house or amongst your friends. Years after the MegaVan was stolen, and no doubt employed in the human smuggling trade, my mother made reference to a vehicle called “The Woolly Mammoth”. She was actually referring to the MegaVan. You cannot rename a vehicle that has been given a name that is in wide use amongst others. It just will not work, so don’t try. It is also disrespectful of those that have come up with the previous names. So be sure to know what the names are or you will almost surely commit a party foul. I think my younger siblings similarly renamed our Honda Civic Wagon from the name that I had previously given it, “The Millenium Falcon”. There is a great story behind that name that I will share in the near future.
Things You Should Do Once a Year
I was just thinking about things that I want to be sure that I get done in a year at least once, some of them more. Since years seem to fly by faster the older you get, some of these could start to get difficult. I am going to try to do everything on this list this year.
Listen to a sporting event on the radio
Take a vacation
Lay in a hammock
Go to the dentist
Play a yard game (Horseshoes, Croquet, Bocce ball etc.)
Go sledding (or some other form of traveling down a hill at an increased rate).
Read a book
Try a new food or new variation of a food.
Draw a picture.
Give away a big chunk of money to help others.
Go to some sort of museum or exhibit for something.
Look through old pictures and/or papers.
Light some fireworks
Get a Physical
Rotate your Tires
Jimmy-Rig something
Have a fire/bonfire
If you have something to add let’s hear it.
Zombie Plan
As an Eagle Scout I find it very helpful to “Be Prepared” for any situation that may arise. When looking at a place to live I check the usual things such as, “Are the showers low flow?”, “Are there any strange noises when I step anywhere or lean on something?”, and “Could a zombie easily access windows?”. I myself, have had zombie plans long before it was popular.
Step 1 – Prevent Zombie Entry
Right now I am renting the top part of a duplex which provides a pretty good zombie defense system. My back door has a rickety old stairway that I could fairly easily knock away from the house if I were to suddenly come under seige by the leagues of the undead. My front door will be blocked by several strategically placed pieces of furniture which will jam it shut against the stairway that leads up from it. With the doors properly defended the windows of the second story duplex now become a great asset. I can see what the gathering hordes of pale brain-eaters might be plotting or I can use them to assist me with step 2. If I were on a ground level floor I would need a lot more plywood to feel secure with my windows. Being so high up I only need to worry if Spud Webb is in my neighborhood and has been captured and converted. But let’s be realistic, Spud Webb would be the hero of such a situation and those rotten-fleshed ex-humans would never catch him.
Step 2 – Take the Offensive
The measures you take to kill zombies depend highly on which movies are correct in their mode of zombie execution. Some popular beliefs about how to send zombies to the afterlife include:
- Cutting off their heads.
- Blowing their brains out.
- Burning them.
- Some believe that you cannot stop them but would have to render their bodies useless, while avoiding the still moving limbs.
- Killing them as you would a normal human is a popular choice too (Preferred).
In a dream scenario my gun toting brother would be at my house with his arsenal of weaponry when the zombies strike. But most likely I would have to craft my own means of destruction like MacGyver. When killing so many zombies you must be careful to watch how high the bodies are stacking so they don’t reach your window level, but other than that, happy killings.
Step 3 – Make an Escape
You must always come to the realization that you are running out of food, or that the zombies are slowly becoming more clever and will get you soon, which will be evidenced by the large human pyramid of zombies approaching your window. When this happens you have to make a break for it. Hopefully you have access to a car that can easily drive over masses of dead bodies, but you must make due with what you have. My garage is, unfortunately, not connected to my house so I would make the standard distraction while my loved ones and unbitten neighbors headed for my Jeep, armed with knives and broken mop handles. They would then drive under the part of the house that I am dangling from and I would drop on top of the car and kick zombies in their faces. We would then drive around looking for the nearest zombie-free military evacuation zone or the like.
Some Other Things to Keep in Mind
1. If the zombies are standard zombies then my plan is sufficient, but if they are zombies a la “I Am Legend” I am in huge trouble. The massive army of undead, super-fast spider men is a force to be reckoned with. Hats off to Will Smith, he made it a long time.
2. In the future I would really like to get a flame thrower extension put onto my house gas pipeline.
3. If perchance I am captured and bitten I could find that being a zombie is not so bad. Zombies have a strong sense of community and as a white American it would be nice to finally have a “Community” to belong to. I also recently started educating myself about zombies, so I am not so ignorant about them. Watch these videos and remove your bigotry.
See more Ed Helms videos at Funny or Die
See more Ed Helms videos at Funny or Die
See more Ed Helms videos at Funny or Die
How-To Prevent “Page Rage”
There is a phenomenon on the internet that is somewhat like Road Rage, that I would like to call “Page Rage”. This occurs when a normally kind and understanding person gets behind the wheel of their computer and turns into a crazy, hate-spewing madman. This can range from complaining about spelling and grammar in a cruel manner, to name-calling and wishing death upon others. Here at Everyday Normal there is no desire to contribute to the hatred and anger in the world. There is way too much of that anyway. To pile on more, one would have to be a pure jerk. Ill will is never meant toward anyone and should never be implied. When anything is read on this site, it should be imagined that your goofiest buddy is saying it to you, in an informal conversation. You can disagree with this buddy and the friendship will still be intact.
I wrote this post and got some bad responses. I thought, “Its not that offensive. I thought I was clear that I wasn’t being hateful. I only wanted to say that I don’t like the ad campaign and that, personally, it didn’t matter for me anyway.” I have learned a few things in the short time since, and I would like to share them.
Are You Talkin’ to Me?
Your internet writing is not even close to the same as a conversation with someone and never can be. I have heard a few different numbers on this, and can safely say that your tone of voice is 30% – 50% of your communication and that body language is 45% – 55% of it. With internet communication these are thrown right out the window. This change of communication dynamic is quite helpful in turning the average internet reader into Joe Pesci from Goodfellas. Things that would be spoken in a haphazard and joking manner quickly become venomous and divisive. I have always liked to write in the same style as my speech and this is just asking for trouble.
No First Drafts
People can’t read minds, they can only read your page. If your page is sloppily thrown together you will say things that you don’t mean. My previous example of a bad post would have had a different title and the first paragraph would be replaced with the sentence, “This is why I don’t like the new ad campaign for the WNBA.” That first paragraph was just buddy banter and silliness that no one who doesn’t know me will ever get. The second paragraph was pretty much spot on and I wouldn’t really change anything. The final two paragraphs would have emphasized that those were my personal feelings and I would have removed a couple of buddy banter sentences. I would have also thought it through more and added something about how I think they could spend their money in better ways than prime commercial spots that I don’t think will help too much. And how I feel that they would have more success if they would operate more like small, grassroots, local organizations like minor league baseball. Then it could grow from there, which is how most other sports leagues have done it. Posting a rough draft will almost always guarantee that you will be misunderstood.
Clarify Clarify Clarify
Since the communication dynamic has been changed, you must make every point painfully clear. When speaking to someone and something is not understood people might ask, “Do I have to spell it out for you?” On the internet you do have to spell it out. This might even make your posts painful to read at times since you may be over-explaining. But if you don’t want to get stabbed by Tommy DeVito you need to clarify everything. [Buddy Banter] Simply marking something as “Opinion” and joking around is not enough in this world of infallible beings who can’t wait to jump on your case about something you didn’t even mean. [End Banter]
Use Qualifiers, In My Opinion
Qualifiers make it much more clear that what you are saying is not the gospel truth and that it may even be an opinion. In my personal and possibly incorrect view, these can make it more clear that you do not believe yourself to be the final and supreme authority on a given matter. You should use these like you were running for public office, so as to not upset the average information superhighway motorist.
[Buddy Banter]
Mean People are Real
With all of these precautions you still must understand that many people already are that rude and reprehensible character, before they get in the driver seat of their computer. For these people the most well thought out and carefully worded communication will have no positive effect. If they hold a differing view point they will explode on you no matter what. Many times it can be as though the person did not even read what you put onto a blog or message board. Reading is nothing without comprehension and some people will not comprehend a word you may write and then pour out their sublimely righteous wrath upon you. There is nothing you can do for these situations besides giving them a link to go where stupid people gather. [End Buddy Time] Relax it’s a joke.
Maybe these are no-brainers to some people, but they are newly realized for me. I think if anyone will stick to these rules they should be able to still project the completely harmless and “non-serious-as-a-heart-attack” attitude that they have when they speak. This is just another way of defusing the “everybody’s out to get me” vibe that emanates from much of the internet and annoys so many. [Buddy Banter] This is a safe space. No one will hurt you here. [End Banter]
Creativity for the Untalented
I heard Dennis Miller say some time ago that Contrarianism is creativity for the untalented. This is a very thought provoking statement and the more I have thought about it the more true it becomes. If someone with no talent wants to create something, whether it is a painting, a poem, a news article or just anything that can be created they many times look at another persons work and say, “I am going to do the opposite”. Doing the opposite makes it look as though the person thought of it on their own, since no one else has done it before. Only the opposite has been done before. “Look at my painting. I call it the Lisa Mona and it has a man with a big smile in it.”
Continue reading “Creativity for the Untalented”