I will start with the honorable mentions who were all very difficult to not include in the official top 5. We have Eric Clapton, Kirk Hammett, Jerry Cantrell, Jimi Hendrix, Eric Johnson, Explosions in the Sky, Rich Robinson, Dimebag Darrell, Travis Meeks (pre-Meth-ed out phase), The DeLeo brothers and Yngwie Malmsteen. I purposefully excluded Van Halen and Jimmy Page. The former because he has been a jerk in the public eye many times and the latter because of horrific decisions since Zeppelin split, that, and he stole music. I do however recognize their talents.
For those who know anything about playing the guitar you may want to put on an adult diaper before you watch these. Since it was hard enough to get it down to only 5, here they are in no particular order:
Ian Thornley – It is a shame when one of the best is not easily recognized for what they are. Ian Thornley is just such a case. I actually had no problem bringing this man into the top 5 and even thought heavily about just naming him #1. If you need to have an ultimate #1 to make you feel better, just go ahead and say that Ian was it. Whether with “Big Wreck” or “Thornley”, Ian writes and plays amazing stuff. If there is ever anything that I find less than amazing I look at who worked with him on it and, odds are, I will find someone else has come in and mucked things up. If I ever get down and wonder why Thornley has to hang out with that dimwit from Nickelback I just watch something like the video below and all is forgiven.
Stevie Ray Vaughan – Amazing, just amazing. From the stories about him super-gluing his bleeding finger shut mid-song to watching him restring his guitar while still playing to just hearing him play, this man was simply amazing.
Alain Johannes – This has to be the shocker of the bunch, but I thought I would give it to a man who has been toiling in the background while others in front of him get all the credit. He has amazing rhythm and lead guitar parts and has definitely paid his dues. So once again I give him some long overdue credit.
Mike Einziger – A pure genius with his rhythm parts and able to hold his own with solos, Einziger has shot his way into my list. The song I chose to demonstrate Einziger’s skill is one that highlights what he can do with different types of parts and how he can push a song into new places.
David Gilmour – In my opinion, Pink Floyd mostly sucked before Gilmour arrived and made them into what they are known for. His playing has a well thought out feeling to it and the entire second half of the video below is pure mastery of the guitar.
OK, so here’s the part where you tell me why I am wrong or why someone was totally forgotten.
This is usually an older man who may seem out of place, wearing his Black Sabbath shirt to a Britney Spears concert. He just wants to see a concert and rock out, which is pretty much the goal of all Hazards. He doesn’t move as much as some of the other kinds of Hazards, but he never stops. Head banging is pretty common from these guys and he will just keep going, many times when the music has stopped.
“Oh this song gets me every time.” I am all for having an emotional and/or spiritual connection with music, but do your crying at home. These hazards feel so strongly about the song and the time it kept them from sending their dog to the shelter or throwing away their favorite shirt that they have decided to come leak bodily fluids all over other concert-goers. You may think that someone has been injured at first, but this is just an emotional powder keg that was ignited by the poignant lyrics of Clay Aiken. You don’t need to worry about these too much because they are generally at concerts for ex-American Idol stars. But every now and then they venture out into the world of real music.
Next, if you wanted to avoid second-hand smoke and other carcinogens, you can thank these upstanding citizens for making sure you experience a wide range of pleasant odors throughout the night. These are the sweatiest and most wild of all the Hazards and many of them love to take off their shirts. This insures that, if they had a cold or the flu, their sweat will carry that disease over to you. Don’t try to avoid it, their sweat will be in contact with you several times before the night is over. These guys are mostly at metal shows but, like the Snotty Hazards (only more often), try to branch out.
blue when it is cold. Once again, maybe your sensitivity to temperature is impared when you are drunk so I wouldn’t know, but this seems stupid. I just picture some drunk idiot opening his fridge every 10 seconds and tasting his beer to find out if it is cold yet. He then stops and thinks, “If only the sweet rocky mountains could tell me when my beer is cold.” First of all, if your drinks were warm when you put them in the fridge and it has been less than 30 minutes they probably aren’t cold yet. If you are so drunk that you can’t tell time you probably don’t need another beer. Secondly, you can touch the bottle or can to tell if it is cold, if you are too lazy to do that then one more cold one should be at the bottom of your priority list. This product enhancement is almost as stupid as the oxymoronic slogan “Drink Responsibly”.