Month: December 2008

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Top Albums of 2008

I was going to do a top ten but I couldn’t come up with ten good albums for this year. I could only come up with a few good ones and some pretty decent ones.

8. Warpaint – The Black Crowes
This one got a three out of five star review before anyone could even possibly listen to it. For me it might be a 6.8 out of 10.

7. Strangefolk – Kula Shaker
It’s been a while since the last Kula Shaker album but they still brought the good stuff. 7.2 of 10.

6. Flight of the Conchords – Flight of the Conchords
Hilarious and imaginative, these guys have made the best funny album in a long time. 7.3 of 10.

5. HAARP – Muse
This is a live album so of course I know I like the songs. 7.6 out of 10.

4. Weezer (Red) – Weezer
For me I have only ever fully liked Weezer’s first album and Pinkerton. Everything else has just had a couple of good songs and then not been good as an album experience. This year they came out with a fine album which made me a fan again. 7.8 of 10.

3. And You Were a Crow – The Parlor Mob
A breath of fresh air to finally find a new band that I don’t hate. 8.7 of 10.

2. Ode to J. Smith – Travis
In their first album to use electric guitars since Good Feeling, Travis has made another good album. 9.0 out of 10.

1. Seldom Seen Kid – Elbow
Another great album from Elbow. The only thing stopping it from being a 9.9 or a 10 is the fact that there seems to be a lull in the pace of the album from time to time, but don’t let that make you not enjoy the album. 9.3 of 10.

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Most “In a Hurry” Drivers

In my travels throughout the United States I have noticed, as many of you may have, that the driving customs change from area to area. I am now in Northern Virginia for Christmas and I went to do a little shopping last weekend. On my way to the store I noticed a few annoying things such as everyone going, at the very least, 15 over the speed limit and the all too common left turn while I am trying to right turn coming from the other way.

I went into the store and grabbed a shopping cart. The best way to get a feel for the attitude of local drivers is to go to a crowded store and push a grocery cart around. This provides a microcosm for you to study their driving methods without getting killed. I have never been cut off by so many shopping carts in my life. As I moseyed through the store grabbing what I needed I thought I was moving at a good quick pace, but I found myself constantly getting cut off and pushed out of where I wanted to go at the last second. The driving study was highlighted by the moment that I was hit from behind by some short lady. As I was leaving the parking lot I even got squeezed out of my place in line to get out of there. I will say that I did get to where I wanted to go quickly and efficiently, my only problem was that I took a lot of heat from other drivers even though I was going above the posted speed limits. And luckily I did not get hit from behind by someone in a car. If you don’t mind getting tailgated and cut off then Northern Virginia up around the Washington DC area is for you.

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Great New Product

This is pretty dumb unless you are a very cold Satan worshipper or cult leader. Then it rules.

Sure I could get a Snuggie. Or I could just put on my coat.

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The Cowboys and My Moment of Vindication

When I was a young lad I liked the Dallas Cowboys. I remember running around pretending to be Danny White while wearing my Cowboys shirt and toughskin jeans. It was a good time for the Cowboys, right around the end of their 20 years of consecutive winning seasons under legendary coach Tom Landry. Tom Landry invented the 4-3 defense and the Flex defense. He had been the coach for the Cowboys since they had been a team and had helped them to become a great football team. When I think of football in the old days before the mid 80’s I think of the Cowboys, then the Packers, then the Bears. No other teams really stand out historically to me.

Well, come time for the 1989 season and the purchase of the team by one Jerry Jones, Landry was fired and Jimmy Johnson was put in as his replacement. There was no trial period or time to wind down Landry with Johnson as an assistant. Worst of all there was no recognition for anything Landry had done. Usually when a legend leaves the game they have special ceremonies and name something after them. Not with Jerry Jones at the helm. He just fired Landry and kicked him out, no class and total disrespect. The Cowboys then had some of their worst years and when newly recruited players came they picked back up and won a few Super Bowls.

Landry didn’t say anything bad about Jones. He didn’t seem to mind getting no recognition. He met with his players one last time two days after getting the ax and told them how much he would miss them. As he broke into tears his players gave him a standing ovation. Landry represented class and dignity.

In my senior year in high school, near the end of the nineties, I did a research paper on crime and violence in professional sports. Most of my material came from players on the Cowboys. There were a few rapists, some had been charged with assault and many had drug charges as well. I am not saying that if Landry had been there everyone would be perfect, I am just saying he kept it down and Jerry Jones seems to enjoy the problem players and welcome them. I have not liked the Cowboys since Jerry Jones became the owner and I will not like them until he is gone.

I received some support and a sort of vindication in my long standing position when I read this satirical article. It is funny and sad.

Tom Landry died in February of 2000.
Quotes:

* “When you want to win a game, you have to teach. When you lose a game, you have to learn.”
* “Leadership is a matter of having people look at you and gain confidence, seeing how you react. If you’re in control, they’re in control.”
* “Leadership is getting someone to do what they don’t want to do, to achieve what they want to achieve.”
* “If you don’t know if your shoes are tied, look at your shoes.”

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Bad Boss

At one point I wanted to do construction for work. I enjoyed shop class in high school and I liked the drafting section so much that the teacher had to make extra assignments for me to keep me busy. While in college I was at talking to a man who owned a construction company when he asked me how much I was making at the telephone survey place I was working at. I told him $7.35 an hour and he started to laugh with another man who was with us. They talked for a little about many people starting at $14 an hour and the like. He told me to come by his office and he would give me a job and he said, with the laugh slightly reappearing, “Oh we can beat $7.35.” I was interested for sure. So I quit my other job and went on down. He gave me the initial talking to about construction and such then he sent me out on my first day of work. I came back and asked him, “What am I going to be paid?” He seemed to not remember laughing at my old wage at all and he asked me again how much I had been making. I told him $7.35 and he came back with “Well, we can put you at $8.00.” $8.00???? I had been a supervisor at a telephone survey company for $7.35. At that job I was inside all day, no manual labor, I got to associate with people all day and it was generally an enjoyable experience at the company for someone who doesn’t have to make phone calls. Now I was going to be working like a dog, sweating and hurting, outdoors many times and in many strange and dangerous places for an extra $0.65 an hour. Remember he laughed at my old wage. $0.65 does not warrant a laughable difference in wage. Especially with the difference in workload.

Well, I kept working for him for peanuts. I learned a few things that everyone should know about how to build and repair things. After working for him for a while he sent me to do a job at an Air Force base. On the base workers must get paid Davis and Bacon wages which is just a minimum that the government requires people building stuff for them get. I was excited as I was to get about $13.00 an hour. I also had to drive a couple of hours to get there everyday. My boss would only give me gas money for half of my trips. I took the early morning drive many times across ice and snow which slowed me down even more. The first paycheck did not include a gas reimbursement and I was told it would be added up near the end of the project. For the last two weeks of the project I put in 15 hours of overtime and was really excited for my check. When I got my check there was no gas reimbursment and my overtime hours had been taken off. I brought it up with my boss and he said I was going to have to talk to the guy who he had put in charge of the project. Like a sucker I just waited till I saw the other guy, which didn’t really happen unless it was a bad time to talk. Then I got laid off because the company had no more projects. I was soured on the construction business because my boss was an idiot and a liar.

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OJ in the Future

With OJ Simpson being sentenced today I thought this would be a good time for me to travel into the future to see what is in store for him. As I looked around the future I was shocked when I found a newspaper dated April 23, 2019. The newspaper relayed the following details:

OJ Simpson knew what he was doing when he held up those sports memorabilia dealers in the Las Vegas Hotel. He had previously mentioned that he was on the hunt for the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. He had tracked the killer to the Nevada State Penitentiary. Knowing that no one would believe him without good hard evidence, he decided to concoct a plan to land himself in prison where he could search out the real killer. After being incarcerated for a few months he had his eye on a powerful gang leader that everyone lovingly called “Extra Cheese”. OJ could not get close enough to him without getting through the gang gatekeeper “Tiny-Hands McStabby”. After befriending Tiny-Hands and Extra Cheese he would hang out in their cell with them and talk for hours. One day OJ noticed a slap bracelet on Extra Cheese that seemed familiar. He called his man on the outside, Kato Kaelin, and asked him to bring him some old photos by the prison. Sure enough Ron Goldman was wearing the slap bracelet in one of the photos. Now more convinced than ever he hatched another plan to get the evidence.

On the predesignated day he started a fight with one of his hotel hold-up buddies over who is the greatest running back of all time. The fight soon escalated into a full scale prison riot. In the confusion he spotted Extra Cheese across the cafeteria. He had the slap bracelet on and had something dangling out of his pocket. OJ hurdled across the cafeteria faster than he ever ran through the airport. He dove at Extra Cheese and snagged the bracelet and the item hanging from his pocket. To his surprise the item was a ziploc bag filled with Nicole’s blood stained hair with Extra Cheese’s and Tiny-Hands McStabby’s fingerprints all over. Suddenly it all came together. The gloves that wouldn’t fit made so much more sense now as the gloves had belonged to Tiny-Hands. This find infuriated Extra Cheese and his band of gangsters. OJ was going to have to pull out the greatest run of his life to get out of this one. He began to head towards a gate that was closing with his old legs pumping as fast as they could. A couple of guys jumped at him but he broke their tackles and proceeded onward. He made it to the gate just before it closed capturing Extra Cheese and Tiny-Hands on the other side with mayhem surrounding them. OJ made it to the warden’s office and presented him with the evidence. Unfortunately for OJ he never told the sports memorabilia dealers what his plan was because he wanted it to seem more real. He was not released from prison as he was still guilty of the crime he was in there for.

:Isn’t that amazing. I can’t wait until 2019 so everyone else can see it.

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Things That Should Be Done

1. Ultimate fighting isn’t really ultimate fighting. For that, you have to watch a war. They should instead call it “Pretty Rough Fighting”.

2. I like Lost. It is one of the few shows I watch. You should catch up on all the episodes then start watching the next to last season in January.

3. Axl Rose should calm down. And Dr. Pepper should have been prepared.

4. Later today you should be on itunes making a purchase. Well if it was any good you should be. The stuff Colbert does alone isn’t too bad.

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F

The F word. One must admit it is one of the ugliest words in the English language. It is used in all kinds of different situations and has multiple meanings. I must confess that in the most rare and perfectly timed instances I have found it’s use to be hilarious. Unfortunately a vast majority of it’s uses just come off as crude, uneducated and disrespectful. The origins of the word seem to fascinate many people and there are many differing versions.

I have heard a great many people tell the all too common little stories about how we got the F word into the English language. The first is that people would get permission from the king to have relations with each other and they would say that it was “Fornication Under Consent of the King”. The other popular one is that constables would arrest prostitutes and would book them using the acronym for “For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge”. Both of these stories are completely silly and are not true.

The word’s first recorded historical use was around the year 1500. Back then the word was also very controversial and no one would write it down to provide an explanation of where it came from. The best explanation I have heard is that the word comes from one of two words. The Dutch word fokken, which refers to breeding animals and the Swedish fokka which means pretty much just straight up “relations”. Don’t let anyone tell you one of those acronym stories and pass it off as the truth.