It is time. I know you can feel it.
Continue reading “Everyday Normal Rises From Its Deathbed”Superhero Week Pt. 2: Worst Superhero Ever
I was watching a movie the other day when it came to mind that the worst superhero ever would have to be Storm from the X-Men. After I lay it out for you I think you will have to agree wholeheartedly with me.
Reason 1 – Controlling Weather is Just Kinda Lame
The only part of controlling the weather that would be handy when fighting evil-doers is the ability to control lightning. Everything else is kind of a waste. “Hey Storm, make the bad guys get frost bite.” “Oooh, pelt them with hail.” “Mess up their hairdos with a blast of wind.” All the bad guys have to do is find some shelter and her power is rendered useless.
Reason 2 – It Takes Forever
When someone wants her to clear out some fog or trigger some morning dew for enemies to slip on, she always takes a couple of steps forward, like it matters where she stands, then holds her arms out to the side and stares at the sky. Her eyes then shade over with white and the clouds in the sky shift. The whole time the bad guys just watch her as she stands there. If any of these villains had any sense they would shoot her while she is out there with her arms spread for 5 minutes summoning their meteorological demise.
Reason 3 – Not a Big Berry Fan
It doesn’t have much to do with the powers of the character but I just don’t really like Halle Berry. There are a whole host of better people that could have been Storm in the X-Men movies. To name a few, we have Oprah, Michelle Obama, Rudy Huxtable and Jim Gaffigan. Well I guess I only have actively positive feelings for Rudy and Jim so strike the first two from the record, but retain how funny it would be to watch Oprah’s eyes glaze over and see her spin around and slap bad guys.
So there you have it. It may still be up for debate but as of right now, the worst superhero ever is Storm.
Time Travel is Real: UPDATED
UPDATE: I must inform Mr. Hawking that he may be slowly catching up to me. Read about his theory here and then go ahead and find out why I have stated that time travel is not only possible, but is accomplished every microsecond of everyday.
Time travel has been the subject of a large number of discussions, books, movies and such. Unfortunately, they all portray time travel in an extremely unrealistic manner. I myself have previously been fooled by what seemed to be a superior depiction, of what time travel would be like, that I found in some movies. But with a little thought about it, I have come to realize what it would be like to actually travel through time. And now I will share it with you.
To the Future
Time travel is much less dramatic than you think. In fact, I do it everyday. Everyone does it everyday. That’s right, we are all traveling through time. With our time travel we are heading from point A (birth) to point B (death). This is very simple to understand and makes time travel much less fascinating than before. As we head from point A to point B we make observations and learn new things that help us to mark different moments in our time-line. To take Marty McFly from the year 1985 to the year 2015 (as in Back to the Future 2) it would take thirty years. That would make a very boring movie.
To the Past
For Marty to go back to 1955 from 1985 things get slightly more interesting. Marty would have to have been born in 1968 or 1969 for him to be in high school in 1985, which means that if he went back to 1955, he would not exist in human physical form. Meaning that he would be physically in many different places such as: in some dirt in a field on a farm or in the ocean floating around, waiting to evaporate and rain down in a lake near Hill Valley. If we change the story a little and only take Marty to 1975 he would be 6 or 7 years old and he would, of course, not be aware of Doc Brown or anything in 1985. He would also not be aware of his re-travel forward to 1985 as it would seem like he was just living his life as he makes observations and learns new things at different points in time.
The 4th Dimension
A couple of times in the Back to the Future series of movies Doc tells Marty that he is not thinking 4th dimensionally. This is funny to me, since Doc is apparently not thinking 4th dimensionally either. Doc tells Marty not to worry about hitting some painted American Indians below a drive in movie screen because the movie screen isn’t there in 1885. Doc overlooks the fact that in 1885 the particles of matter that made up Marty and the Delorean are not organized into the form of a person and a car.
I used to think that the Bruce Willis movie “12 Monkeys” was an accurate depiction of time travel since he goes back in time to try to change the future but finds out that he cannot change anything. The fact that you cannot change anything is certainly correct, but the fact that he traveled back in time and was fully grown and aware of observations he had made in the future is a huge mistake.
It is my belief that, on the time-line that is the 4th dimension, we can travel back and forth. Traveling forward is what we call living and we make the aforementioned observations and learn things. Traveling backward would take our particles to the older time and replay everything to the future. As time is “replayed” we are completely unaware of anything that we did not observe or learn before a certain point and we have absolutely no idea that we have traveled back. If you need a time machine for this to feel right in your head you can just consider your particles of matter to be the time machine.
My Favorite TV Scientist
His name is Alexei Filippenko and he is much more than just a TV scientist like Mr. Wizard or Bill Nye. Alex is often on the show “The Universe” on the History Channel. The reason that I like him so much is that he seems to always be smiling.
Continue reading “My Favorite TV Scientist”
Ultimate Superpower
When asked what superpower you want, you may instantly have a favorite response ready. I will tell you right now that your answer is wimpy and wrong if you didn’t say telekinesis. That’s right the ability to move things with thought is obviously the best power anyone could ever have. You may disagree or have several questions so read on and let me convince you.
You may ask,” But what about ______ ability or super_________?” Sorry anything you put in the blanks is inferior to telekinesis. If a person can truly move anything with their mind then just about every other power is included with telekinesis. If you want to fly, you can move yourself to the sky with your mind. If you have bullets flying at you they can be moved by your mind or you can move some thick metals in front of you to block them. If you want to be invisible you can bend the light to make it so people cannot see you. If you want to dismantle a bad guy down to his basic elements, just think it and it is done. Planning a trip to outer space, make a pressurized bubble filled with oxygen. If you are feeling a little old just pump some more youthful hormones into your body and iron out your wrinkles. If some one else is sick and needs some healing just think the germs out of them or bring the broken bone particles back together. No matter the situation it can be solved by moving things with your mind.
Unfortunately most portrayal of telekinesis shows things like moving cups across tables or lifting spaceships out of a swamp. If someone could really move things with their mind they would be unstoppable.
Thanksgiving History
I often have the opportunity to listen to a person I know who always repeats facts that he thinks are blowing your mind. He truly believes that he is destroying your entire worldview with each new fact. When in reality, you have either already heard it and been unimpressed or it is just not true. Around Thanksgiving, this individual loves to tell me about how Thanksgiving was started by Abraham Lincoln for a victory in a battle in the Civil War and before that there was no Thanksgiving. He claims that Thanksgiving has nothing to do with the first commonly recognized Thanksgiving and other Thanksgiving events.
I try to explain to this person that in 1777 George Washington declared a national day of Thanksgiving after winning the battle of Saratoga and that, even before then, many people had a feast of Thanksgiving for good harvests. Native Americans had been doing it for a long time. Lincoln did implement the annual holiday of Thanksgiving after hearing about the need for such a day from Sarah Hale, the author of “Mary Had a Little Lamb”. She had been writing to U.S. Presidents since 1846 asking them to implement an official national day of Thanksgiving, much like one that many people celebrated on their own after a good harvest which had been going on for years. Abe Lincoln thought this would help the country heal during the Civil War and in 1863 he instituted the official Thanksgiving holiday on the last Thursday of November. Just because a government creates a holiday for something it does not mean that it never existed before then. Here is the official proclamation from Lincoln:
The year that is drawing toward its close has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever-watchful providence of Almighty God.
In the midst of a civil war of unequaled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign states to invite and provoke their aggressions, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere, except in the theater of military conflict, while that theater has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union.
Needful diversions of wealth and strength from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defense have not arrested the plow, the shuttle, or the ship; the ax has enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore. Population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has been made in the camp, the siege, and the battle-field, and the country, rejoicing in the consciousness of augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years with large increase of freedom.
No human counsel hath devised, nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy.
It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently, and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and one voice by the whole American people. I do, therefore, invite my fellow-citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next as a day of thanksgiving and praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the heavens. And I recommend to them that, while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, commend to His tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners, or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty hand to heal the wounds of the nation, and to restore it, as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes, to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquility, and union.
In testimony whereof I have hereunto set my hand and caused the seal of the United States to be affixed.
Done at the city of Washington this third day of October, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, and of the Independence of the United States the eighty-eighth.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
If this person wants to be more technical then Thanksgiving as we celebrate it wasn’t implemented until 1941 when congress set the holiday at the fourth Thursday in November after a short stint at the third Thursday to help the economy with a longer shopping season. As always mission unaccomplished, my mind is not blown.
Random Junk
1. “Stop attributing quotes to me falsely.” – Albert Einstein (He didn’t really say this. That’s where the irony comes in.)
2. When someone asks me if I want cheesecake, it sounds so much more appetizing than if it was called cheese pie.
3. When it comes to web design, you can’t beat spiders.
4. I am bound and determined to make a time machine. So I will occasionally look around to see if I figured it out yet.
5. If we evolved from monkeys, why don’t I have thumb feet? Thumb feet are much better than big toe feet.
6. If anyone has an extreme phobia we usually have an understanding and empathetic view. I feel sorry for people with homophobia, no one helps them out in their terror.
7. Why don’t any restaurants serve sloppy joe’s?
8. An added bonus of Christianity is that you have more weapons against vampires.
Stages of a Restaurant
Hip, Fresh and New
Everyone is going there for lunch. You can usually count on waiting in a line or being on the list for a long time. The food is terrific and there may even be some new type of gimmick in use. They have big heaping helpings of whatever you order. This stage seems to last a while, but only long enough to get people hooked. This stage also includes the optional expansion mode where several other branches open up in various places.
Drop in Food Quantity
Suddenly one day when you stop by you notice that they didn’t fill the bowl all the way with rice or the burrito seems a little thinner. You feel ripped off a bit but the food still tastes good. In the back of your mind you imagine a meeting in the back of the kitchen where the employees are told to start skimping on stuff.
Drop in Food Quality
This visit is always the most sad one. They must have started ordering their beef from somewhere else and it just doesn’t taste right. Not only do you have to choke down the meal you purchased but you must choke back the tears.
The Long Absence
You protest the new choice of food supplier by not going back to the restaurant for a very long time. You hope that others are doing the same to send a message that the food is horrible now.
A Test Run
“We haven’t been to _______ in a while.” You think it might be safe to try again. When you arrive you find the prices are slightly higher than before which gives you hope that they picked a better food supplier. You are disappointed though as you find the food just isn’t as good as it used to be.
Joke Phase
This phase is reserved for places that consistently over time have had such bad food and/or service that the only thing they are good for is a punchline. Your friends will make jokes about it and if the restaurant was nationwide you will get some late night material out of it. After this point there are only two options.
Option 1 Re-branding
The restaurant will do everything they can to make people forget about the time that someone found a full toenail in that omelette; or that waitress who was extremely racist. They will update the logo and clean out the dining areas for the first time in years. The PR people will have the machines moving with new commercials showing plenty of happy black people eating off of clean dishes. This phase gives them a 50/50 chance of getting back on top or moving to the next option.
Option 2 Embrace It
There always has to be that place for loadies to go at 2am when they are hungry. Another important part of their customer base is the people who were too drunk for the bars to keep around. This grimey little establishment just has to have a toilet and something made with potatoes.
Zombie Plan: One More Line of Defense
I recently made a new zombie plan for my new place. My wife then dragged me to watch a Halloween dance show from which I came up with everyone’s last line of defense when zombies attack.
If I have learned anything from Halloween dance shows, music videos or just the dancing community in general, it is that zombies love to boogie. They are even very synchronized and become more flexible when the proper music is played. My last line of defense is to have a stash of Michael Jackson CD’s near my final stronghold. When we reach the moment that our brains are surely to be eaten by the undead, we will turn on the CD player. Then, of course, while the zombies are synchronized in syncopation we will make our break for it.
You may ask, “Hey, why not just use it as your first line of defense?” Well, I have weighed it out and the stress of fighting off zombies for a week before they find a way into my stronghold is considerably less than the amount of torture induced by hearing Michael Jackson.
Segways
Does anyone else remember when Segways were supposed to change the transportation world forever? The future was bright and wide open in front of us. Mailmen, police officers, golfers and people who hate stepping but don’t mind standing were all going to be tooling around on those things.
When I see the bitter world we still live in I ask myself, “Why? Why wasn’t the Segway dream realized? Why was the walking world not transformed?” Maybe these are questions that are to be left to better men than I. My only consolation comes from the fact that the Segway did revolutionize one thing. The comedy world has been transformed forever by this wonderful invention. Thank you Segway and Gob.
