Here is a phrase that I coined a while back that should be immortalized:
Continue reading “How to Gloat”
Zombie Plan: One More Line of Defense
I recently made a new zombie plan for my new place. My wife then dragged me to watch a Halloween dance show from which I came up with everyone’s last line of defense when zombies attack.
If I have learned anything from Halloween dance shows, music videos or just the dancing community in general, it is that zombies love to boogie. They are even very synchronized and become more flexible when the proper music is played. My last line of defense is to have a stash of Michael Jackson CD’s near my final stronghold. When we reach the moment that our brains are surely to be eaten by the undead, we will turn on the CD player. Then, of course, while the zombies are synchronized in syncopation we will make our break for it.
You may ask, “Hey, why not just use it as your first line of defense?” Well, I have weighed it out and the stress of fighting off zombies for a week before they find a way into my stronghold is considerably less than the amount of torture induced by hearing Michael Jackson.
Gallon Challenge
Rule # 1: Drink a gallon of milk in a half an hour.
Rule # 2: Keep it down for another half hour.
If you do a google search on the gallon challenge all you will find is people saying that it can’t be done. They will say that the human stomach cannot hold a gallon of fluid and that someone who tries will just throw it up. You may also find a video or two of somebody barfing up a good portion of a gallon of milk.
I must inform you now, that it is possible. I myself have done it successfully. I did it on March 16th 1999. I had three witnesses to this event and they signed my empty milk jug which had once contained whole milk. I will share with you now my secrets of completing the challenge.
Size
If you want to do the challenge successfully you must be larger than the average human or find some way to make your stomach larger than the average human’s. For me, I was 6 ft. 5 inches and weighed 280 lbs when I did it. That came in handy.
Make Room
The night before I did it, I ate an entire “Big New Yorker” pizza from Pizza Hut. This stretched out the old stomach or at least gave me the placebo effect of thinking that I stretched my stomach. The day that I did it I didn’t eat anything until I was drinking that gallon, that way I was good and thirsty and my stomach had plenty of space to expand.
Absorb
I ate three Krispy Kreme donuts while I was drinking the gallon. I believe that the donuts helped hold down some milk and maybe there is some way that sugar helped me to process stuff faster. I will have to ask a doctor about it sometime.
Timing
You have a whole half hour to drink it, so don’t be a hero. I like to get a good amount in right at first and let it start processing. I got 3/4 of the gallon down within a couple of minutes. I took the other 28 minutes or so to get the last 1/4 of a gallon down.
I had the three witnesses sign the milk jug and I drew a picture of a cow on it and wrote, “Voy a tener que mear en la manana” on the side. After drinking a whole gallon of milk I was very very cold and had to try to warm up. Then in the middle of the night I got up to pee and my pee looked like skim milk. I was excited to have done it with three witnesses because I had done it once before but had no witnesses. The milk jug was later thrown away by some jerk. The three witnesses live on though. I have since become more concerned with my health and I weigh less than I did then so I do not know if I could do it again. Rest assured, if I do it again I will make a video and you will witness it too.
Zombie Plan
As an Eagle Scout I find it very helpful to “Be Prepared” for any situation that may arise. When looking at a place to live I check the usual things such as, “Are the showers low flow?”, “Are there any strange noises when I step anywhere or lean on something?”, and “Could a zombie easily access windows?”. I myself, have had zombie plans long before it was popular.
Step 1 – Prevent Zombie Entry
Right now I am renting the top part of a duplex which provides a pretty good zombie defense system. My back door has a rickety old stairway that I could fairly easily knock away from the house if I were to suddenly come under seige by the leagues of the undead. My front door will be blocked by several strategically placed pieces of furniture which will jam it shut against the stairway that leads up from it. With the doors properly defended the windows of the second story duplex now become a great asset. I can see what the gathering hordes of pale brain-eaters might be plotting or I can use them to assist me with step 2. If I were on a ground level floor I would need a lot more plywood to feel secure with my windows. Being so high up I only need to worry if Spud Webb is in my neighborhood and has been captured and converted. But let’s be realistic, Spud Webb would be the hero of such a situation and those rotten-fleshed ex-humans would never catch him.
Step 2 – Take the Offensive
The measures you take to kill zombies depend highly on which movies are correct in their mode of zombie execution. Some popular beliefs about how to send zombies to the afterlife include:
- Cutting off their heads.
- Blowing their brains out.
- Burning them.
- Some believe that you cannot stop them but would have to render their bodies useless, while avoiding the still moving limbs.
- Killing them as you would a normal human is a popular choice too (Preferred).
In a dream scenario my gun toting brother would be at my house with his arsenal of weaponry when the zombies strike. But most likely I would have to craft my own means of destruction like MacGyver. When killing so many zombies you must be careful to watch how high the bodies are stacking so they don’t reach your window level, but other than that, happy killings.
Step 3 – Make an Escape
You must always come to the realization that you are running out of food, or that the zombies are slowly becoming more clever and will get you soon, which will be evidenced by the large human pyramid of zombies approaching your window. When this happens you have to make a break for it. Hopefully you have access to a car that can easily drive over masses of dead bodies, but you must make due with what you have. My garage is, unfortunately, not connected to my house so I would make the standard distraction while my loved ones and unbitten neighbors headed for my Jeep, armed with knives and broken mop handles. They would then drive under the part of the house that I am dangling from and I would drop on top of the car and kick zombies in their faces. We would then drive around looking for the nearest zombie-free military evacuation zone or the like.
Some Other Things to Keep in Mind
1. If the zombies are standard zombies then my plan is sufficient, but if they are zombies a la “I Am Legend” I am in huge trouble. The massive army of undead, super-fast spider men is a force to be reckoned with. Hats off to Will Smith, he made it a long time.
2. In the future I would really like to get a flame thrower extension put onto my house gas pipeline.
3. If perchance I am captured and bitten I could find that being a zombie is not so bad. Zombies have a strong sense of community and as a white American it would be nice to finally have a “Community” to belong to. I also recently started educating myself about zombies, so I am not so ignorant about them. Watch these videos and remove your bigotry.
See more Ed Helms videos at Funny or Die
See more Ed Helms videos at Funny or Die
See more Ed Helms videos at Funny or Die
Real Advice
This is the new diet trend that’s not sweeping the nation. So far it has helped me to lose about 30 pounds this year and save money, which I can now throw away on gasoline.
How-To Prevent “Page Rage”
There is a phenomenon on the internet that is somewhat like Road Rage, that I would like to call “Page Rage”. This occurs when a normally kind and understanding person gets behind the wheel of their computer and turns into a crazy, hate-spewing madman. This can range from complaining about spelling and grammar in a cruel manner, to name-calling and wishing death upon others. Here at Everyday Normal there is no desire to contribute to the hatred and anger in the world. There is way too much of that anyway. To pile on more, one would have to be a pure jerk. Ill will is never meant toward anyone and should never be implied. When anything is read on this site, it should be imagined that your goofiest buddy is saying it to you, in an informal conversation. You can disagree with this buddy and the friendship will still be intact.
I wrote this post and got some bad responses. I thought, “Its not that offensive. I thought I was clear that I wasn’t being hateful. I only wanted to say that I don’t like the ad campaign and that, personally, it didn’t matter for me anyway.” I have learned a few things in the short time since, and I would like to share them.
Are You Talkin’ to Me?
Your internet writing is not even close to the same as a conversation with someone and never can be. I have heard a few different numbers on this, and can safely say that your tone of voice is 30% – 50% of your communication and that body language is 45% – 55% of it. With internet communication these are thrown right out the window. This change of communication dynamic is quite helpful in turning the average internet reader into Joe Pesci from Goodfellas. Things that would be spoken in a haphazard and joking manner quickly become venomous and divisive. I have always liked to write in the same style as my speech and this is just asking for trouble.
No First Drafts
People can’t read minds, they can only read your page. If your page is sloppily thrown together you will say things that you don’t mean. My previous example of a bad post would have had a different title and the first paragraph would be replaced with the sentence, “This is why I don’t like the new ad campaign for the WNBA.” That first paragraph was just buddy banter and silliness that no one who doesn’t know me will ever get. The second paragraph was pretty much spot on and I wouldn’t really change anything. The final two paragraphs would have emphasized that those were my personal feelings and I would have removed a couple of buddy banter sentences. I would have also thought it through more and added something about how I think they could spend their money in better ways than prime commercial spots that I don’t think will help too much. And how I feel that they would have more success if they would operate more like small, grassroots, local organizations like minor league baseball. Then it could grow from there, which is how most other sports leagues have done it. Posting a rough draft will almost always guarantee that you will be misunderstood.
Clarify Clarify Clarify
Since the communication dynamic has been changed, you must make every point painfully clear. When speaking to someone and something is not understood people might ask, “Do I have to spell it out for you?” On the internet you do have to spell it out. This might even make your posts painful to read at times since you may be over-explaining. But if you don’t want to get stabbed by Tommy DeVito you need to clarify everything. [Buddy Banter] Simply marking something as “Opinion” and joking around is not enough in this world of infallible beings who can’t wait to jump on your case about something you didn’t even mean. [End Banter]
Use Qualifiers, In My Opinion
Qualifiers make it much more clear that what you are saying is not the gospel truth and that it may even be an opinion. In my personal and possibly incorrect view, these can make it more clear that you do not believe yourself to be the final and supreme authority on a given matter. You should use these like you were running for public office, so as to not upset the average information superhighway motorist.
[Buddy Banter]
Mean People are Real
With all of these precautions you still must understand that many people already are that rude and reprehensible character, before they get in the driver seat of their computer. For these people the most well thought out and carefully worded communication will have no positive effect. If they hold a differing view point they will explode on you no matter what. Many times it can be as though the person did not even read what you put onto a blog or message board. Reading is nothing without comprehension and some people will not comprehend a word you may write and then pour out their sublimely righteous wrath upon you. There is nothing you can do for these situations besides giving them a link to go where stupid people gather. [End Buddy Time] Relax it’s a joke.
Maybe these are no-brainers to some people, but they are newly realized for me. I think if anyone will stick to these rules they should be able to still project the completely harmless and “non-serious-as-a-heart-attack” attitude that they have when they speak. This is just another way of defusing the “everybody’s out to get me” vibe that emanates from much of the internet and annoys so many. [Buddy Banter] This is a safe space. No one will hurt you here. [End Banter]