With all the recent hullabaloo surrounding Bigfoot, I thought I would let everyone know what the real story is.
A Sasquatch is very large, harry and elusive. To remain hidden for so long you must be very, very clever. It would take skills and possibly technology that are far beyond what we can come up with. One could even say that these skills could have been learned long ago, in a galaxy far away. That’s right, the Sasquatch race are descendants of Wookiees.
Think about it, any creature that can fix a hyperdrive can certainly avoid white trash with cameras. My guess is that they got tired of all the stupid fighting in their own galaxy and decided to plant themselves here on Earth. The only struggle they now have is avoiding crews from the Discovery Channel when they come by to shoot an hour long show about not seeing Bigfoot. I would bet that if someone finally did get too close to Bigfoot they would find a Wookiee Crossbow pointed right at them.
You may think, “Why don’t they want to be found?” I’ve got three words for you. George Lucas. If he finds any Wookiees living here on Earth, imagine the atrocities he could unleash on mankind. He already destroyed everyone’s childhood with a fourth Indiana Jones Movie and, of course, Episode 1, 2 and 3. If he finds real Wookiees he could do all kinds of sick, sadistic things. I bet he wants to branch out and ruin other great trilogies. He could make the Wookiees assist Marty McFly on an adventure through time that could take them back a long time ago, in that galaxy far away. “Who cares about 88 miles per hour Doc? We got light speed.” With all these horrendous things staring us in the face, I think it is best to leave Bigfoot alone.
As an Eagle Scout I find it very helpful to “Be Prepared” for any situation that may arise. When looking at a place to live I check the usual things such as, “Are the showers low flow?”, “Are there any strange noises when I step anywhere or lean on something?”, and “Could a zombie easily access windows?”. I myself, have had zombie plans long before it was popular.
Step 1 – Prevent Zombie Entry
Right now I am renting the top part of a duplex which provides a pretty good zombie defense system. My back door has a rickety old stairway that I could fairly easily knock away from the house if I were to suddenly come under seige by the leagues of the undead. My front door will be blocked by several strategically placed pieces of furniture which will jam it shut against the stairway that leads up from it. With the doors properly defended the windows of the second story duplex now become a great asset. I can see what the gathering hordes of pale brain-eaters might be plotting or I can use them to assist me with step 2. If I were on a ground level floor I would need a lot more plywood to feel secure with my windows. Being so high up I only need to worry if Spud Webb is in my neighborhood and has been captured and converted. But let’s be realistic, Spud Webb would be the hero of such a situation and those rotten-fleshed ex-humans would never catch him.
Step 2 – Take the Offensive
The measures you take to kill zombies depend highly on which movies are correct in their mode of zombie execution. Some popular beliefs about how to send zombies to the afterlife include:
Cutting off their heads.
Blowing their brains out.
Burning them.
Some believe that you cannot stop them but would have to render their bodies useless, while avoiding the still moving limbs.
Killing them as you would a normal human is a popular choice too (Preferred).
In a dream scenario my gun toting brother would be at my house with his arsenal of weaponry when the zombies strike. But most likely I would have to craft my own means of destruction like MacGyver. When killing so many zombies you must be careful to watch how high the bodies are stacking so they don’t reach your window level, but other than that, happy killings.
Step 3 – Make an Escape
You must always come to the realization that you are running out of food, or that the zombies are slowly becoming more clever and will get you soon, which will be evidenced by the large human pyramid of zombies approaching your window. When this happens you have to make a break for it. Hopefully you have access to a car that can easily drive over masses of dead bodies, but you must make due with what you have. My garage is, unfortunately, not connected to my house so I would make the standard distraction while my loved ones and unbitten neighbors headed for my Jeep, armed with knives and broken mop handles. They would then drive under the part of the house that I am dangling from and I would drop on top of the car and kick zombies in their faces. We would then drive around looking for the nearest zombie-free military evacuation zone or the like.
Some Other Things to Keep in Mind
1. If the zombies are standard zombies then my plan is sufficient, but if they are zombies a la “I Am Legend” I am in huge trouble. The massive army of undead, super-fast spider men is a force to be reckoned with. Hats off to Will Smith, he made it a long time.
2. In the future I would really like to get a flame thrower extension put onto my house gas pipeline.
3. If perchance I am captured and bitten I could find that being a zombie is not so bad. Zombies have a strong sense of community and as a white American it would be nice to finally have a “Community” to belong to. I also recently started educating myself about zombies, so I am not so ignorant about them. Watch these videos and remove your bigotry.
I recently canceled my comcast cable TV because they jacked my rate up to a ridiculous level. Internet and TV were costing me $120 a month. I had a hard enough time paying $80 a month but $120 is beyond the line. Their commercials are funny, but extremely untrue. Life without TV was a little jarring at first. “What do I do with myself?” “I need to watch something.” When you get past the first few days you realize that you will live and you look forward to the future productivity that will come to you. I was thus engaged in my new found joy, when I realized that football season is coming up. Now I am filled with rage as I know I can’t escape from paying a stupid cable company for what I don’t want. Prepare yourself for the great wisdom which shall spill forth hence.
I Only Want 12 Channels, Let Me Only Pay For What I Want
ABC (free anyway)
NBC (free anyway)
ESPN
ESPN2
Fox Sports
The Mountain
TNT
Discovery (Hey, I am a nerd, lay off)
History (Hey, I am a nerd, lay off)
KJZZ (Hey, I am a Utah Jazz fan, lay off)
And a couple of others, I am sure, which may or may not include the weather channel.
It is one of the biggest ripoffs ever that you cannot pick and choose the channels you want and only pay for those in a cheaper package. It should be illegal to make people pay for a product or service that they do not want.
Why Do I still Have to Pay So Much?
There are just as many, if not more, commercials on cable channels than there are on network TV. Why then, am I paying so much? If you don’t think the cable TV people are making a killing, I will ask you to list exactly how many ESPN channels there are now. They have so much money they decided to broadcast in other languages. Fox News just started up a business channel. It takes money to start a new channel. If you thought the oil companies were making a killing with profits, take a look at cable channels. They still make plenty of dough after paying extremely overpaid actors and other TV personalities. We need to have a cable boycott, but it is just so hard. Especially with football season around the corner. Maybe I will stick it to the man next year, after I pay a boatload of money for idiotic channels I don’t want, like MTV.
Proposal
I was getting about 72 channels before, for $54 a month that comes out to $1.33 a month for one channel. I will gladly pay $2 a month per channel for what I want. That’s an extra 67 cents a month per channel, if you can’t do the math. Then I can pay my $24 and have what I want, while the fat cats get fatter.
As I was watching a little Olympic swimming for the 2004 Athens games, I saw a race in which Malia Metella from France was racing. The announcer said that if she got a medal in the race, she would be the first “African-American” woman to win a medal in Olympic swimming. I had to laugh at that one. If you need a minute to think about it take it now.
…( 1 Minute Later)…
Not only is she not from Africa, (which is what many people cite as a reason to not like the phrase) she is not American. Now I need to know how I can address “non-American African-Americans” so as to not offend the daylights out of them.
Here is a video, you’ve probably seen, of a guy inspiring people to hug each other. (cont. below)
At first I thought he was just an extremely clever pick-pocket. But then I realized he is actually trying to get one of his friends out of prison. Who is Hugs? What did he do to get incarcerated? Why should he be freed? If this video would answer these questions maybe I would consider helping him get Hugs out of jail.
People who are concerned about being judged, almost always seem to be the ones exercising bad judgment.
Elections should be like try-outs and we should post the results on the wall of a gym. Then the winner can turn around and say, “Yes!! I made the cut.”
If wickedness never was happiness and ignorance is bliss, does that mean that good people are stupid?
Wouldn’t it be crazy if vegetarians could convert animals?
If humans are the ultimate in evolution, why is it so hard to survive in nature?
We want our president to get along with other leaders, so candidates should practice getting along with each other.
