Mistreating Enrique Fans

When I was in high school I worked at a CD Warehouse with a friend of mine. Our boss was a man named John and he worked out a deal for CD Warehouse to sell concert tickets. The first concert we were to sell tickets for was Enrique Iglesias. This was back when Enrique was only popular amongst Hispanic people.

The first day that we had Enrique tickets was insane. Not since the Alamo, have so few Texans been surrounded by so many Mexicans. We started answering the phone, “Thanks for calling Enrique Warehouse.” The tickets were moving like hotcakes and the phone kept ringing with people who had questions about Enrique. Finally, on one call John picked up the phone and said, “Oh yeah, actually, Enrique is here right now, but only for the next five minutes. You better hurry.” My friend and I just started laughing. We laughed even harder when about four minutes later we got another rush of customers. We were inspired by John’s trick. After that day, when someone would sporadically come in for tickets, we would tell them that Enrique had placed a very special CD display on our counter for his new album, himself. They would get all giddy as they found out that Enrique had touched those very CD’s. They sold at the speed of light. We even had an autographed copy of Enrique’s newest album that was too valuable to John for him to sell it (It was John’s signature).

So, when I am denied entry at the pearly gates everyone will know why.


Sweet Justice

If you weren’t reading right now, I would ask you to close your eyes and imagine with me that you are in your car, stopped at a light. You look over to the passenger seat because you think you see a dollar bill over there. Your eyes have been off the light for about 0.42 seconds when you suddenly hear a loud obnoxious honking from behind you. The light has turned green and either Jack Bauer is behind you and needs to get downtown “NOW!!!” before the bomb explodes, or you are in front of an impatient jerk.

You may feel far too lazy to get out of your car and rain down blows upon them, or your parole officer wouldn’t like it if it happened again. What do you do? Honking is, pretty much, only effective for those in front of you. It seems that you are left with no way to let them know they hurt your feelings and all you can do is drive away like a wimp. Although, sometimes you can wait until the light turns red and then take off, leaving Honky McGee sitting at another red light. That one gets old after about the 20th time you do it and you also run the risk of Charlie Manson Jr. being behind Honky McGee in the line of cars.  Also, if it really is Jack Bauer you will have some splainin’ to do.  Personally, I don’t think about it anymore.  I have a secret weapon. (Watch Video) cont. below.

With this weapon I can let someone know that, surprisingly enough, their honking wasn’t appreciated. It also works great if someone is tailgating you. I have made people who were tailgating me laugh at being squirted.

There are a couple of things I would like to do. First I want to put a big dog leg on the back of the Jeep that will lift up when it squirts. Next I want to have somebody on a scooter or motorcycle do something to anger me while they are behind me in traffic. Don’t worry I won’t go looking for trouble, I will only use this power for good, not evil.  This was not something I did to my car on purpose, it just wore out on its own. But who am I to question this serendipitous blessing?

Let me be very clear about one more thing too.  If you were staring at the imaginary dollar bill in the passenger seat for five minutes, then you deserve to be honked at and you should suck it up and drive away promptly.  Now drive courteously.


Best Name Ever

A couple of years back I went to my brothers high school graduation.  I was going to just catch the early part of the alphabet and go home after seeing my brother graduate.  My plan was interrupted when I perused the program and saw the most wonderful name I have ever beheld.  It was located in the “L” section.  I thought to myself, “There is no way that this is real.  No one would do something this cool.”  As we got closer to the “L’s”, I grew ever more excited.  And then, it happened.  That’s right, I watched as “First Middle Last” received a high school diploma.  I count myself lucky to have been a witness to such a fine moment in name history.